"many reacharounds are yours in the next life"


Uncle Ray

>  From: ray
>  To: governor@...
>  Subject: Blame The Irish
>  Date: Thursday, February 25, 1999 5:29 PM
>  Well,
>  they saw fit to repeat your off-hand remark
>  on the Letterman show about the Irish being
>  drunks. As an American of Irish ancestry I
>  know most of us are drunks; who got them to
>  work? Look, I can forgive you the remark, but
>  what the hell were you thinking when you went
>  on that punk Letterman's show? And Mr. V., be
>  careful-- you're not in a genteel profession
>  any more. Before you know it you'll be
>  claiming some black people could really play
>  the blues or some French people are great
>  cooks and that'll be the end of you. Watch
>  your ass. These people mean to ruin your fun.
>  By the way, I could've laid out the streets
>  of St. Paul better with a fifth of Jamieson's
>  in me, but nobody asked.
>  Regards.
>  -Uncle Ray

>  From: SD WebDrone sdweb@steelydan...
>  To: ray
>  Subject: You May Be A Winner
>  Date: Saturday, June 19, 1999 4:56 PM
>  Greetings:
>  We recently received an entry for our "Name
>  Game" contest from the e-mail address of r...
>  You MAY be a winner. Please respond via Reply
>  email with: - The full name of the person
>  responsible for the entry - Your complete
>  mailing (postal) address
>  You will hear back soon about whether or not
>  you have won a prize.
>  Thanks
>  SD WebDrone

>  From: ray
>  To: SD WebDrone sdweb@steelydan...
>  Subject: Re: You May Be A Winner
>  Date: Saturday, June 19, 1999 11:28 PM
>  Hola indeed.
>  I am Honre de Smirkinhalter, Uncle Ray's
>  concierge and spiritual advisor. Right now
>  that entails pushing notes through a pipe in
>  the ground with a stick. He is in a bunker
>  broadcasting "Clone Luke Easter Radio" at one
>  mighty watt. He just got "The Secret Sessions"
>  and we're in the middle of an all Bill Evans
>  weekend. Look, I don't have the heart to tell
>  him I unplugged everything months ago;
>  needless to say he'll take any kind of
>  personalized swag from you guys as
>  encouragement of indescribable proportions to
>  continue his... his... I dunno--
>  unemployability? Can't you guys put him to
>  work? He has a scary memory and he's sheer
>  hell on the phone. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he
>  thinks he's still on the air-- he just poked a
>  note out that said "we'll do the 'Dan box next
>  weekend!" I wrote back "shit, yeah." Such is
>  the life of a concierge...
>  He just poked one last note out, and I think
>  this one is a keeper. It says: "Whenever you
>  hear the words 'Compassionate Conservatism,'
>  clench your sphincter and run like ten
>  motherfuckers." I guess I can live with that.
>  All the best.
>  Honre "Trimlord" de Smirkinhalter

>  From: ray
>  To: STEELYDAN@...
>  Subject: Solid Senders
>  Date: Sunday, August 01, 1999 1:47 AM
>  Well,
>  what a party, eh gents? Where can I start?
>  I've already apologized in person, no? Jesus,
>  what a weekend. Got to admit you really
>  frosted my shorts at first, and I fell for
>  the whole thing like the biggest fucking
>  rube! First the cryptic message that MAYBE I
>  helped straighten one of you with a proper
>  R&B moniker. Send address. I do. Reply back:
>  lose the p.o. box, dude, you're one of the
>  "winners" but we need a street address. The
>  light still isn't going on upstairs, but I
>  figure maybe what with the big axe they've
>  been grinding with a certain institution in
>  my region they just wanna be sure I've no
>  personal ties with the enemy, as the
>  hostilities will most certainly continue for
>  most of our lifetimes. (BTW: see what Pete
>  Rose does every induction day at
>  Cooperstown?). But I digress. My "prize"
>  shows up without incident-- one
>  Annie-Oakleyed CD apparently signed by "Ulta"
>  and "David Fajus." What the fuck? These guys
>  are some gone daddies, I'm not gonna let a
>  little old-school hipster dick-pulling bend
>  my wig-- some of my best friends are
>  musicians, etc. And I mean the gallows humor
>  when you think about it IS pretty damn
>  funny-- just about the first guys (again way
>  ahead of your peers) to charge a kerjillion
>  dollars a ticket and herd the marks into the
>  Enormo-Domes of the world is clamming me with
>  this Tijuana watch token of their
>  appreciation. Well ha-ha yrselves, etc.
>  Well, dudes, my face is still red. You know
>  the rest. Next day, next package, and so on.
>  Whole catalog signed. Even some of the funky
>  bootlegs. Then the phonecalls from "your
>  people." A little get-together planned. The
>  big-ass Ryder Truck pulls up (which your man
>  insisted referring to as "the McVeigh"
>  repeatedly) & things really get under way.
>  The special guests were a real jaw-dropper--
>  I'll just refer to them here as
>  ______________ and _______________ as per
>  their requests.
>  What a pack of cards, no? I can't believe how
>  fast your crew had those child-abusing filth
>  bombs who lived downstairs gone and the
>  remodeling done; we know the sound-proofing
>  works, eh? And again, tell ___________ they
>  haven't been and won't be missed; I hear the
>  kids are really enjoying ___________ . How
>  will they ever thank you? And the little
>  stipend for my pirate station, "Clone Luke
>  Easter Radio," was most generous. As I
>  mentioned, I'm going to 4 or 5 watts and
>  moving out of the bunker. Say the word and
>  I'll let that advance copy of ____________
>  rip-- Couldn't believe you'd let one go...
>  Well hell, guys, enough smooching up;
>  needless to say, The Dan will always be
>  welcome back at my pad-- what the hell, you
>  paid for it. And no, I haven't said a word to
>  "those other fuckos who 'won'." We'll keep it
>  all anonymous.

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Zap Ruder
>  Date: Tuesday, August 03, 1999 11:13 PM
>  Dear Mr. T_________,
>  Reviewed with great interest your "digitally
>  enhanced" print of said film, but noticed
>  what we would have to describe as several
>  glaring inconsistencies.
>  To wit:
>  Although the grassy knoll enhancement was
>  indeed a revelation, we couldn't help
>  noticing that one of the "tramps" looked
>  suspiciously like M. Emmett Walsh; as a
>  matter of fact, it was. Though we are a fan
>  of his work, we're quite sure he'd be most
>  surprised to discover he was "working" that
>  day. Also, in the close-ups there's just no
>  denying that the person you identify as "JFK"
>  is in actuality Harry Dean Stanton. We
>  especially liked the part where he waved his
>  cowboy hat at the crowd and tossed them some
>  beer. Since Mr. Stanton is about 5 feet tall,
>  Mr. Oswald or god-knows-who would have a
>  beastly time making the famed "neck-shot" as
>  his *head* would barely be visible above a
>  '63 Lincoln's back seat. As for "Mrs.
>  Kennedy," though I'm sure the casting was
>  inspired, there's just no getting around the
>  fact that "she" is in need of a shave in your
>  print-- I guess what we're getting at here is
>  that although we all viewed this film with
>  great interest (and might I add some
>  amusement; most of us made copies for
>  friends) there's just no way the government
>  could get up off 16 million dollars for this
>  particular offering; if we ever start handing
>  a "chutzpah of the millenium" award out, know
>  that you'll at least be in the running for an
>  honorable mention. We wish you all the best
>  with your future endeavors.
>  Regards,
>  The United States
>  Government

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Jesus H. Christ on stilts....
>  Date: Monday, August 09, 1999 9:46 PM
>  As Northeastern Ohio's beloved football team
>  made their return to a region that gladly
>  bankrupted their children's future for a
>  chance to turn over all their earnings to the
>  NFL in the form of "sin taxes" on everything
>  from education after the 6th grade to beer
>  and cigarettes and condoms, there wasn't a
>  dry eye in the house.
>  "Jesus H. Christ on stilts in the Bahamas
>  with a shotgun, this is the greatest fuckin'
>  thing that's ever happened to me since I saw
>  my own tool a couple years ago on Groundhog
>  Day," said beloved Browns' fan John 'Big Dog'
>  Zbniewczwycz, over pork rinds at Chunky
>  McSpewmeister's in the Flats. "I am gonna get
>  ripped to the tits and go apefuck on the
>  freeway. God damn tomorrow."
>  Similar sentiments were voiced throughout the
>  region, as wife-beating, vomiting,
>  fender-benders and crack-whore pursuit came
>  to a virtual standstill as a new fake NFL
>  team paid for entirely by a hoodwinked
>  populace took the field in Canton to play
>  similar felons from Dallas, where they take
>  their guns to parties.
>  "This is the shit, dude," said Purvis
>  Stealthwater from Lincoln Electric, who
>  called in dead from the parking lot at shift
>  change so he could watch the game on a
>  Watchman plugged into his car's cigarette
>  lighter. "I'm gonna drink until I see two of
>  everything. I'm the luckiest guy in the
>  world. I can't wait until it's January and
>  I'm in my PSL seats at the top of Humpo
>  Stadium and it's 40 below and the wind is
>  ripping my ass open like razor blades shot
>  from a rail gun and we're down by 27 points
>  in the second quarter-- man, I've dreamed
>  about this forever..."

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Militia-Fodder: the other white meat
>  Date: Thursday, August 12, 1999 1:29 AM
>  Luger,
>  me an' Gallus has gone and started are own
>  republic out here and calt it Freeholia as we
>  want all the gub-ment some bitches to leaf us
>  alone and git out a are holes an quit livin
>  on us fur free. We printed are own munny an
>  now right cheks what we call vowchers an they
>  can kiss are ass so there. Bring the truck and
>  the pam-flits. We got to get out the word
>  about whatever it is we believe so we can
>  start to kill whoever it is that probly needs
>  to get kilt the most so we can save the world
>  so then there'll just be us in it like it
>  should be. Ma said it was in the Bible like
>  that and that the yellow Chinese would rule
>  everything before you know it. Do we have any
>  pam-flits on that and where do they go to
>  school? Bring Ma's Kevlar vest and waffle
>  iron. Also we need ideas for a flag-- Pa has
>  a sketch a one with Bo Grits ridin' a H-bomb
>  threw the clouds doubled up with Jesus on a
>  saddle. Can you get a good price on Semtex in
>  your parts and how about gas masks?
>  -Parvell

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Geo Lanes
>  Date: Friday, August 20, 1999 1:04 PM
>  Man,
>  me an' ol' Geo Dub. Bush used to have us a
>  time down at the old Stank-Thang Lanes in
>  Waco. G.D.'s old man used to run us the best
>  shit when he worked for the CIA-- they'd jet
>  it in over the border from Mexico via Peru
>  back when Peru was to coke what Detroit was
>  to cars-- we used to lay out rails the length
>  of the fucking LANE and see who could Hoover
>  up the whole son of a bitch at one whack--
>  remember that big dangerous fucker who used
>  to play for the Cowboys and scare the shit
>  out of the press and drive his ride thru BBQ
>  joints that weren't drive-thrus? One night he
>  Hoovered one right down to the pins, stood up
>  & made a noise like an elephant and went down
>  HARD. We look up and Geo Dub has not only
>  finished his, he's hopped lanes and now he's
>  whiffin' a second one back toward the
>  ball-return! He finishes up that one, grabs a
>  ball and heaves it at the comatose Cowboy and
>  calls him a "pussy-bag." (This was years
>  before female condoms). What I'm sayin' is
>  that boy could PARTY. You know those beer
>  hats with the brew-holders on the side and
>  the straws that run to your mouth? Geo Dub
>  had one of those with these plastic funnels
>  you could nose-clip onto his face. The front
>  of the cap said "I Don't Fuck Around."
>  I guess what I'm gettin' at is, whenever he
>  says "compassionate conservatism" I get this
>  mighty queasy feelin' in the pit of my
>  stomach...
>  "________________"

>  From: ray
>  To: STEELYDAN@...
>  Subject: You Are Being Diddled With
>  Date: Sunday, September 26, 1999 9:50 PM
>  Listen guys,
>  I'll get right to the point: you are being
>  diddled with. As you know, I live in
>  Cleveland. I'm napping on the couch and as I
>  wake up there's this promo for one of our
>  local news madams (this one has these
>  drawn-on eyebrows that make you think "Star
>  Trek" immediately, BTW) and they're playing
>  Chain Lightning in the background. Only a
>  second, but not a sound-alike, etc. It is YOU
>  GUYS doing the original. Now, who the hell
>  knows what you'll actually do about this--
>  I've always had a sneaking suspicion that if
>  Steely Dan was a country, they would be
>  France-- but goddamn, they're using the 'Dan
>  to entice us to watch the local nightly freak
>  show they call news here; I mean, I don't even
>  remember what they said about HER: "she huffs
>  her own farts," or "she'll fuck you harder
>  than Wonder Woman." Whatever. I just know
>  that night after night she sits next to this
>  guy-- let's call him 'Spud Hamdick,' who
>  makes you think "Ted Baxter" immediately.
>  Now: you think this is a coincidence? After
>  the way you've dicked and dicked with their
>  beloved R&R HOF? Huh? Look man, they're
>  steamed. They're steamed at you and they
>  wanted to hit back. The thing is a white
>  elephant. Nobody goes to it. Not the people
>  who built it. Certainly not the people who
>  are inducted into it. They tried to have the
>  actual ceremonies here one year only to
>  discover it really WAS built in Cleveland.
>  They never came back. The locals don't go to
>  it. They're too busy beating their wives and
>  children and getting downsized. *I* went to
>  it once. I will cop to this. As a matter of
>  fact, before the motherfucker opened I became
>  a MEMBER. I have no secrets, ok? You know why
>  I became a member? Remember the concert they
>  actually had here, with like a million people
>  on the bill all in one day? They said for 20
>  bucks I could join the son of a bitch for a
>  year and get first crack at tickets. And a
>  t-shirt. And go whenever the fuck I want.
>  They have already announced some of the
>  lineup, and it includes Chuck Berry and Bruce
>  Springsteen. Swell. I know Chuck returns
>  favors and he owes Bruce one for being in his
>  movie and telling everybody the heart-warming
>  story about the time Chuck cobbed them all by
>  using them for one of his countless free
>  backup bands. I figure Bruce will ask Chuck
>  to ask John Fogerty to play this thing, and I
>  figure John will do it if Chuck asks. So I
>  join. And a couple weeks later John Fogerty
>  is added to the bill. He has put aside his
>  rancor about the trivial matter of 150
>  million dollars or so that Saul Zaentz owes
>  him & he is reportedly doing "the old stuff"
>  again. Bring it. So I cop tickets from the
>  HOF. I pay out the ass. I give one to a
>  friend and we go. Guess what? The seats are
>  clams. They're in the upper deck in that old
>  fucking jumbo stadium, even with the stage.
>  Real even. Like you can see a performer if
>  they walk all the way to the front edge of
>  the stage. Otherwise forget it. They later
>  blame HBO-- "they made us move the stage
>  forward thus clamming our valued members,"
>  quack quack quack. The whole day was pretty
>  much an overload-- by the time Thomas Pynchon
>  rode a 600 pound Yorkshire hog out on stage
>  dressed like Uncle Sam, nobody noticed or
>  cared.
>  Anyway, they send me this goddamn card so I
>  go. I see Jim Morrison's report cards. I see
>  a telegram Count Basie sent Louis Jordan.
>  Ever see the way that thing is built? You go
>  up in this pyramid to the top & see the holy,
>  holy NAMES of the dead musicians who have been
>  fucked and comed on and stolen from by the
>  music industry. Most of them could't afford
>  to get in, or would be asked to leave. Here's
>  an actual conversation I heard as I ascended
>  the holy stairs in the dark:
>  Girl One: I feel like I'm in a Haunted House.
>  Girl Two: The Rock 'n' Roll Haunted House, yeah.
>  Girl One: And we have to answer trivia questions or we can't leave.
>  Girl Two: Christ, yeah...
>  It got worse. People read the "autographs"
>  and asked dumb questions: "Were Jimmy Page
>  and Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck all in the
>  Yardbirds at the same time?" I answered them.
>  They started asking me more questions. I ran
>  away in the dark...
>  Then to my horror I get the mail one day only
>  to discover that as a "charter member" MY NAME
>  is enshrined somewhere in something. Christ, I
>  want it out but they couldn't find their ass
>  with both hands-- it would be like talking to
>  a monkey's ass, you know? And the fucking mail
>  just doesn't stop-- if I would get up off some
>  more money I could GO TO PARTIES WITH THEM! I
>  could meet goners from The Business!
>  Get the picture? So if you think you can tee
>  off on these hyenas and get away with it,
>  guess again! They're using Chain Lightning to
>  pimp the news lady, Steely Fucking Dan--
>  whattaya thinka that? Doesn't DF have
>  relatives in this area? Think they didn't
>  know that? Think they don't know you're in
>  the crucial mixdown phase of your first album
>  in 20 years & hey, why not take a cheap shot
>  while their pants are down! Huh?
>  Listen men, god knows I've sent some barbs
>  your way (did I not insinuate you were French
>  earlier on?) but certainly it was all done
>  with the deepest love and respect. This is
>  war. If you decide to go after these swine,
>  I've got your backs like a motherfucker.
>  Keep me
>  advised. Travel hopefully.
>  -Uncle Ray

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Slim
>  Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999 12:08:19 -0400
>  "I'm gonna get those bomb doors open if it
>  harelips everybody on Bear Creek."
>  -Slim Pickens, 'Dr. Strangelove.'

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: First Annual Tradegy Limerick-Off
>  Date: Friday, November 05, 1999 4:19 AM
>  There once was a plane off Nantucket whose
>  pilots got ripped and said fuck it they
>  plunged to mach 1 and croaked everyone waved
>  their weenies at god and said suck it.
>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Green Light
>  Date: Monday, December 27, 1999 12:22 AM
>  Dear Mr. T________,
>  we at the Geo Dub Bush campaign headquarters
>  are happy to welcome you aboard! We'll be
>  happy to bankroll your film proposal in
>  exchange for 75% of the gross profits,
>  direct-deposited into the Geo Dub Bush war
>  chest. We think "The Where Bitch Project" is
>  a smashing idea; wherever did you come up
>  with such a brilliant and original treatment?
>  The prospect of three whacked-out 30-something
>  pimps looking for their bitches in the woods
>  in Maryland in a bogus fuckumentary has us
>  all salivating. No doubt you're aware of how
>  close parts of Maryland are to D.C. Many of
>  us are well-connected and would be (dare I
>  say?) eager to supply the spare bimbo or
>  creamette just dying to get into show
>  business; hell, we could probably
>  "adjust-down" our take on the gross if you're
>  a "player," you know? BTW: certainly you
>  realize we can't have The Governor's name
>  directly associated with this project-- hence
>  the 'Pacific Ram Air' logo on the check-- just
>  a precaution. Go ahead and re-submit it. Oh
>  yes, about this guy Jay Craddock or whatever
>  doing the re-write up in Cleveland? The boys
>  say lose him-- everything he turns in has the
>  Governor in a cameo (we had to straighten the
>  Governor on this; he thought it said 'Camaro'
>  and was ready to rip) "Hoovering up rails like
>  they're gonna drop The Bomb tomorrow," is I
>  think the way he insists on putting it. This
>  guy is not a team player; you need him like
>  they needed an ice machine on the Titanic.
>  But everything else is just aces! Can't wait
>  to meet you at the Russian Tea Room. BTW: we
>  couldn't agree more-- poverty really does
>  blow...
>  The G. Dub Emirates

>  From: ray
>  To: STEELYDAN@...
>  Subject: FYI
>  Date: Wednesday, January 05, 2000 2:40 AM
>  Hey,
>  you know how long it takes to walk from Gund
>  Arena to the R&R HOF? Beats the fuck outta
>  me, no locals have ever done it! And we kill
>  "tourists" and eat them on E. 9th Street--
>  not that we've ever had one! Ah-HA-HA-HA-HA!
>  So come on over, marks, and viddy I.M. Pei's
>  Chump-Dome! Feed Michael Stanley a cookie!
>  And coming in 2001: Jim Morrison! No shit,
>  his actual body-- they don't want it in
>  France any more; too many wayward nymphs who
>  weren't born when Jimbo stomped the firmament
>  putting lipstick on their nether orifices and
>  leaving lurid smoochmarks on his headstone.
>  Not to mention the never-ending contraband
>  cleanup-- so to Cleveland he comes! Anybody
>  who gets evicted from the graveyard 30 years
>  after his departure gets the "Muddy Waters
>  Mighty Man Award," no?
>  Really, The Dan Candlelight Payback
>  Processional Post-Gig March from Gund Arena
>  (try to say it out loud and not think of
>  burning piss) to the HOF for a full-frontal
>  assault has to rank right up there with
>  calling the demons out of the Pentagon. Don't
>  fuck this one up. I have the perfect incognito
>  get-ups for DF's family-- not to worry.
>  BTW: how 'bout some of those fuckin' cookies
>  for us righteously famished rock-chunkers? A
>  fella can work up quite an appetite reducing
>  "The LegoLand of Lake Erie" to rubble. If you
>  think this is harsh you didn't have live
>  footage of the R&R HOF Y2K shindig beamed
>  into your house-- you would have had to visit
>  a funeral home in Cicero, Illinois in the 60s
>  to see that many Caucasian cadavers...
>  Peace.
>  -Uncle "Foaming Pipe Snake" Ray

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Earl The Pearl
>  Date: Friday, March 03, 2000 1:39 AM
>  Well,
>  at my pad this is an Earl Holiman fest. I
>  found _Forbidden Planet_ at the CCPL over the
>  weekend. Haven't watched it yet but it is one
>  of my faves. Doesn't Earl get drunk with the
>  robot? Anyway, I have been on a train once--
>  went from SD to L.A. Housewives kept
>  badgering the occupant in the seat in front
>  of us for autographs. We were pretty zipped
>  and my companion of the time yells "whoever
>  it is, they must be pretty fucking famous if
>  anybody in San Diego recognizes them!" (Even
>  a stopped clock is right twice a day.) You
>  know how those seats are, you can't really
>  see the person in front of you-- so we goon
>  the fuck out of everybody; autograph seekers,
>  whoever is in front of us-- who gives a fuck?
>  It is great to speculate at 500 drunken
>  decibels: "Hey, maybe it's Captain Beefheart!
>  I already met him! Whoever it is, they could
>  at least cop some of this superfine Amtrak
>  Almaden for us for running off the squares!"
>  And so on... Finally I have to whiz or cop
>  some more Almaden and it is, of course, Earl
>  Holiman. Fuck if I can remember his name-- we
>  just recognized him as "that guy on Police
>  Woman." Hadn't seen _Forbidden Planet_ yet.
>  Or whatever else he's been in. I think he was
>  laughing pretty hard; when we got to L.A. he
>  smiled and said goodbye. Probably never got
>  on a train again. So last night I'm at a
>  neighborhood tappy and they got this thing on
>  cable called "Watching The Detectives" and
>  they're doing Angie Dickenson (who hasn't?)
>  and there's Earl: "Yes, she boned Johnny
>  Carson and Burt and 28 Greyhounds and now she
>  looks like 14 miles of bad road but it beat
>  the hell out of work and don't ride on
>  trains!"

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Pope Apologizes
>  Date: Sunday, March 12, 2000 8:54 PM
>  Today the Pope said he was sorry for _Alien
>  Resurrection_. "Let's face it," he said, "it
>  could have been a lot better." The Pontiff
>  also apologized for the long-lamented breakup
>  of Blind Faith after only one album: "I think
>  they could have really been something, once
>  there was no Jack Bruce fighting like a mad
>  dog with Ginger Baker, also rabid."
>  "Come to think of it," the miter-topped one
>  expanded, "I don't know why Miles had to fuck
>  up that great band after _Kind Of Blue_. It
>  isn't like he & Trane didn't know Bill Evans
>  was white beforehand; Jesus Christ, some
>  people..."
>  "I'm also sorry I never had a Polish Boy or
>  ate at Norms; also I wanted to skinny-dip and
>  get at least one blow-job. And I never saw the
>  Beatles-- I'm sorry about that, too. And that
>  fucked-up play in the '86 World Series where
>  the ball rolled between Bill Buckner's legs?
>  That was dog snot on Pop Tarts. I'm sorry
>  that happened to Bill." Come to think of it
>  I'm sorry about a whole fuckload of things--
>  did I mention the last _Godfather_ movie? Or
>  _Speed 2?"

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Pope Apologizes For Disco
>  Date: Monday, March 13, 2000 11:23 PM
>  "Let's face it," said the Pope, "Frank Zappa
>  was right when he said 'it gives dumb people
>  somewhere to go so they can meet other dumb
>  people and reproduce.'" "Furthermore, as a
>  genre it is ageing about as well as a dead
>  whale on the beach in August-- though I gotta
>  admit 'Miss You' by the Rolling Stones was a
>  rippin' little number-- I guess the genre
>  hasn't been invented that they can't plunder
>  to good effect."
>  "By the way," added the outlandish-headgeared
>  one, "I heard Gene Siskel tried to wear John
>  Travolta's ice cream suit into heaven and was
>  dissed like an Okie trying to get into Studio
>  54 on payday. Actually I hear heaven is run a
>  LOT like Studio 54, only with meaner, stupider
>  goons at the door-- Jesus said he finally got
>  tired of getting manhandled in his own place
>  and eats bread and sardines with Woody
>  Guthrie in a boxcar. Anyway, I'm really sorry
>  for the whole genre, which makes hip-hop sound
>  like Mozart."

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Pope Apologizes For AMC Pacer
>  Date: Monday, March 13, 2000 11:39 PM
>  "Well," the pontiff admitted, "people in
>  Pope-mobiles shouldn't throw
>  stones, but that car really ate it. Ask
>  anybody who ever worked in a car
>  wash-- they had like 8 million square feet
>  of windows and they looked like
>  a fat lady's shoe. You know what else really
>  sucked? Those fucking Chevy
>  Vegas! They had some real clams in the 70s
>  and 80s: fucking Chevettes,
>  fucking Citations-- and don't even start me
>  on the goddamn Corvairs-- I
>  almost died in one of those motherfuckers.
>  It is my belief that Satan shits
>  Corvairs. And I'll bet he farted AMC
>  Gremlins, now that I think about it.
>  Aw, hell, I'm really sorry about all
>  this..."

>  From: ray
>  To: sd@steelydan...
>  Subject: Tour Lingo
>  Date: Sunday, March 19, 2000 4:22 PM
>  Well guys,
>  if hit the road you must, you're going to
>  need any number of tactics to keep your
>  employees in line-- since corporal discipline
>  varies from region to region (take
>  thumbscrews: perfectly OK in one region,
>  frowned upon in others) you might want to go
>  the linguistic route-- god knows you're a
>  verbal pair, but you're also musicians and
>  they forget everything; plus they're
>  worthless when it comes to deadlines-- I'd
>  bet *your* rent you'll wind up out there in
>  the underbrush with nary a current verbal
>  riding crop to wield when your minions get
>  sideways on you-- and where will you be then?
>  Certainly a nameless place of the spirit more
>  grim than, say, Toledo.
>  To that end I've compiled this list of words
>  for you to arm yourselves with; these have
>  been thrashing around in my head since an
>  encounter with some extraordinary horse
>  radish on St. Patrick's Day-- I think some of
>  the nouns and proper nouns can also be used as
>  verbs and even adjectives-- this will really
>  come in handy when the hirelings try to pick
>  up on the lingo in an attempt to "get
>  inside." This must be thwarted brutally-- I
>  suggest the two of you exchange withering
>  smirks and make raspberry noises if this
>  happens-- also a pre-set exchange of subtle
>  hand signals could be worked up as the tour
>  progresses, so that a phrase in Milwaukee on
>  Tuesday could mean the exact opposite in St.
>  Paul on Wednesday.
>  Anyway, having said that I'll "group" them,
>  but these of course are only suggestions and
>  I'm sure you'll immediately find uses I'd
>  never dreamed of as situations you'd only had
>  nightmares about unfold in strange and
>  unforgiving regions...
>  1)
>  Curb Tyrant
>  bus-hassler
>  Drano
>  Big Hat
>  Charlie Chan
>  V-2
>  Hindenburg
>  hostage-fodder
>  nin-com
>  Rayban
>  Speedo
>  conklord
>  Wease'
>  pukestick
>  toastie
>  shrike
>  torpedo
>  Shylock Holmes
>  double-wide
>  Lewis & Clark
>  goo-goo
>  Gumby
>  Schwinn-bait
>  bully
>  David Duke
>  extras
>  Peter Lorrie
>  fender skirts
>  The Rib
>  roller derby
>  dorm ranger
>  spare
>  Hugh Grant
>  The Umbrella
>  Dan McGrew
>  Scissors
>  Oshkosh Advance Man
>  Rope-A-Dope
>  Ass-Gasket
>  tapeworm
>  Arch-Shill
>  hillbilly-cheater
>  shine-doctor
>  Mooniemask
>  2)
>  Elvis foil
>  scrote-tote
>  rave-wrecker
>  body bag
>  lizard skins
>  beak
>  lung
>  antler
>  buffalo tongue
>  iceberg
>  screendoor
>  black box
>  utensil
>  5-cushion bank
>  vermin
>  Cloud Chamber
>  Gomer
>  3)
>  pigeon-drop
>  hang-time
>  Red Sea
>  atmosphere
>  tire swing
>  helium
>  1819 Alligator Street
>  "12th of..."
>  hip-ticket
>  Louisiana Purchase
>  Pomade
>  torque
>  chanky-bob
>  pod
>  leasebreaker
>  rumble
>  ratchet-up
>  pulp
>  rang thang
>  bev-nap
>  mood police
>  "you're it"
>  Anyway, don't know if you've named the tour
>  yet-- have you considered "More Songs About
>  Failure, Ennui & Incest 2000."? Hope this
>  helps. I'll be sending your people a roll of
>  emergency dimes and an FOP hat "soon." As
>  always, travel hopefully. Much love &
>  respect...
>  -Uncle Ray

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Pope Aknowledges Cameo Role In
>  Exorcist; Applauds Restored Footage
>  Date: Thursday, March 23, 2000 10:48 PM
>  "I was in that motherfucker and nobody ever
>  believed me," cried an animated pontiff.
>  "When she pisses on the floor in that party
>  scene, I was an extra! I came in my pants!"
>  "This is like finding the Loch Fucking Ness
>  Monster in the unemployment line," the Holy
>  One continued-- "I just hope they restored
>  the part where she yells "I'd like to do it
>  to your daughter on a dirt road." "Blue
>  Oyster Cult stole that from me and it always
>  got censored on their albums-- fuck that."
>  As he headed toward his limo, the
>  outlandish-headgeared one added as an
>  afterthought: "Tell those jews it was a real
>  pisser about what happened to them; they can
>  come to my party any time."

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Pope Apologizes To Randy Newman In
>  Advance
>  Date: Sunday, March 26, 2000 6:20 PM
>  "If they give the Rand' an Oscar tonight,
>  I'll fuck a monkey on the moon," said a
>  feisty pontiff over Mai-Tais in some shithole
>  in the desert. "What's he been nominated for,
>  like 12 or 13 times? The poor bastard is the
>  Susan Lucchi of film scores-- god is going to
>  sit on his face until He gets good and tired
>  of it-- so I apologize in advance-- poor
>  Rand'-- hope I'm wrong, though-- wouldn't
>  mind nailing a primate in funky gravity-- top
>  me off!"

>  From: ray
>  To: mt
>  Subject: Pope Enters Daytona 500
>  Date: Wednesday, March 29, 2000 10:40 PM
>  The wigged and gigged one has fulfilled a
>  lifetime ambition by qualifying for the pole
>  position (no jokes, please) at this year's
>  Daytona 500, which he intends to move up to
>  Easter Sunday: "You think that little Jew
>  rose off the ground on Easter Sunday? Huh?
>  Wait'll you see me get rubber through all
>  four turns and lap the dogs in the first 10
>  miles. I'm gonna have the evil spectre of
>  that fuckin' Popemobile banished once and for
>  all-- right in fronta all these jim-bobs and
>  other sundry Skoal-spewin' hogbangers!
>  Wait'll you dig my ride," the pontiff
>  bubbled. "It's gonna say 'Bobby Peru' on my
>  door in silver neon-- the whole bastard's
>  gonna be pitch fuckin' black-- FUCK sponsors,
>  we're the Vatican, Jim-- except I'm gonna have
>  that Steely Dan 'Aja' ribbon silkscreened down
>  one side with that little Asian vixen on my
>  hood-- I think on the roof I'll have it say
>  'Death From Above' in Vietnam graffito-script
>  for all the gomer-heads and bobos in the cheap
>  seats. Know what I want after that? Funny
>  cars! I wanna wind up in a door-slammer out
>  there on the coast and lure Big Daddy and
>  Cha-Cha outta retirement so we can party! I
>  wanna make one of those commercials for the
>  radio: 'SUUNNNNDAAAAY'!"

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: read this guy?
>  Date: Sunday, September 10, 2000 11:11 AM
>  Just read this book called _Crowe's Requiem_
>  by an Irish guy named Mike McCormack. Great &
>  strange book. Here's his take on life: "Yes it
>  was blemished and treacherous, with an
>  illimitable capacity for misery, and yet, for
>  all that, it brimmed with life and beauty. I
>  was wrong and the world was wrong also but
>  there was no longer any terror in it. Any
>  other way was inhuman. In all my error and
>  foolishness I was filling the world out to
>  its human completeness and the quiet heroism
>  of having lived and striven for those
>  marginal victories of love and beauty was
>  marvellous to know."
>  So: get on out there and do something
>  foolish; we need it-- I know I MUST be doin'
>  my part...
>  -Uncle Ray

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Does Meltzer know about this?
>  Date: Tuesday, January 09, 2001 7:13 PM
>  I mean, if she wasn't such a dumb bunny she'd
>  be on the blower to Meltz' right now: CHAPTER
>  ONE: "I give the ignorant hillbilly fuckbag
>  my SIGNED Fritzie Zivic 8X10 and he uses it
>  for a COASTER!"
>  Mrs. Clinton seeks memoir co-writer
>  - - - - - - - - - - - -
>  Jan. 9, 2001 | WASHINGTON -- The search is on
>  for someone to help Hillary Rodham Clinton
>  write her $8 million memoir. The first
>  lady-turned-New York senator is carefully
>  reviewing possibilities following a
>  well-publicized run-in with an earlier
>  collaborator. Clinton faced questions five
>  years ago over how much of "It Takes a
>  Village" she wrote herself. The White House
>  maintained Clinton wrote the...

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Funkspiel
>  Date: Thursday, January 11, 2001 12:19 PM
>  maybe you know this-- Funkspiel translates
>  from German as 'Radio Games' or 'Radio Play.'
>  The U.S. used Funkspiel during WWll to dick
>  with the Germans after 'we' broke their
>  Enigma code-- you have to engage in all kinds
>  of subterfuge (sp?) and general weird-ass
>  behavior after you break someone's code so
>  they won't be onto the fact that you're onto
>  them...

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Ungracious Modell Blasts Cleveland
>  Date: Sunday, January 28, 2001 11:34 PM
>  Compares City To Disease, says "I guess we
>  know who the losers are now."
>  Bill Hunchley, UPI
>  TAMPA (UPI) -- Reviled as a carpetbagger and
>  shameless robber-baron when he moved the
>  Browns from Cleveland five years ago, Art
>  Modell's renamed Baltimore Ravens are the
>  world champions. So, how is he going to
>  celebrate? "I'm going to wave my private
>  parts at Cleveland," he promised. "Just as
>  soon as I make sure the sorry sons of bitches
>  won't bite them off."
>  "If anyone thinks this is bitter and petty"
>  he continued," they've never been to
>  Cleveland." After briefly kissing the
>  Lombardi Trophy, he tossed it to his son,
>  David, and headed to an undisclosed airstrip
>  outside Tampa, where he planned to board a
>  B-2 Stealth Bomber and "buzz the entire city
>  of Cleveland until I get tired of doing it--
>  maybe as much as a week or two." Asked to
>  justify his venomous intentions toward a city
>  many feel he wounded permanently, Modell
>  snapped "FUCK them. What about me? Huh? For
>  thirty-plus years I very powerfully suspected
>  they were all losers-- every goddamn one of
>  them. Every wife-beater, subnormal,
>  crackhead, pipe-whore, jail-fodder, bathtub
>  speed-makin' shoprat motherfucker-- I guess
>  we know who the losers are now, huh?"
>  "Give me that recorder-- here, give it here--
>  now back the fuck off, you'll get it back when
>  I'm done. All right. Look, I don't know what
>  is wrong with that city. I tried everything.
>  I went to psychics. I hired exorcists to call
>  the demons out of the entire fucking city.
>  They went mad. I hired a feng shui guy and he
>  RAN down Euclid Avenue until he was no longer
>  in Cleveland. That should have told me
>  something. We tried money. We tried prayer.
>  Trades didn't work. The hometown hero didn't
>  work. I even tried my son's drugs, and you
>  know what? THAT was when I began to get so
>  deeply paranoid and twisted that I finally
>  began to believe the unspeakable as possibly
>  true: the entire city of Cleveland is an
>  experimental Petri dish controlled by aliens.
>  Back off, I'm not done. It is. I mean, go down
>  to LTV Steel tomorrow and tell those humps
>  they're doomed, ok? Be my guest. They know
>  something is wrong. But you try THAT story
>  out on 'em and they'll kill you. What are you
>  gonna do, tell 'em to leave town? Suppose one
>  of those humps actually had the ambition to
>  leave-- you know what? Wouldn't matter where
>  he went, he'd carry that Ju-Ju from the Petri
>  dish with him-- he'd be bad news in London,
>  Perth, Racine, the Azores-- wouldn't matter.
>  "I know, I know, this is deeply unfair to
>  most of the poor doomed bastards-- it isn't
>  their fault, any more than an abused child
>  asks to be abused-- but Jesus Christ, those
>  fucks never get over anything-- I fully
>  expect to drop dead tomorrow for blowing the
>  whistle on this nightmare, but it was worth
>  it-- look, I've given them the grace of
>  knowing that they had no part in their
>  initial doom-- I'm not even gonna get into my
>  theory that once you set negative Ju-Ju in
>  motion, the carriers (in this case the entire
>  population of Cleveland) do everything they
>  can to make it worse-- and you know what I'll
>  get for my trouble? Lynched. Burned in effigy.
>  So fuck it, I'm throwin' down first. This is
>  my day and I suffered for this motherfucker.
>  "You know what kinda day it was when I had
>  the splinter of that doomed city pulled from
>  my ass AND cleared about 70 mil? I mean, I
>  clear 70 mil and all I can think is: Please,
>  God, let them be the losers and not me; I'll
>  give back the money and the team if you can
>  convince me I'm the loser and not them.
>  "I mean, look where we went-- before we moved
>  they handed me Baltimore's rap sheet, you
>  know-- they're like in the top five in
>  murder, heroin addiction and syphilis-- who
>  wouldn't kick Cleveland to the curb for that?
>  The collective city-wide karma of killers,
>  junkies and sheep-fuckers, and who's our
>  stud? Not the hometown Jack Armstrong, but
>  some brute charged with murder. Christ, keep
>  it coming-- I owned the Browns-- I know what
>  REAL doom is. I renamed the team after that
>  bummer poem by hometown junkie Edgar Allan
>  Poe-- everybody says I don't have a sense of
>  humor-- well, you know what? Fuck you all.
>  I'm sorry Cleveland's doomed, I really am--
>  but they're still despicable. I've heard some
>  losers actually have some dignity, some class,
>  a little grace-- but not those bumwads. I
>  fully expect to crash up there, while I wave
>  my dick at them, but I don't care-- you can
>  take the boy outta Cleveland, and
>  blahblahblah-- let's fly."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: "...but he'll steal your money..."
>  Date: Saturday, February 10, 2001 4:48 PM
>  Sometimes when I get CDs from the library the
>  ones on Fantasy have this postcard you can
>  send back to 'em & I always put it to the
>  attention of Saul Zaentz & with a big black
>  marker I write "YOU OWE JC FOGERTY 150
>  MILLION DOLLARS." I've been doing this for
>  years. I mean, I don't know if yo-yo dyne
>  bought 'em up years ago & I'm pretty sure
>  he's too busy doing the Hollywood clusterfuck
>  these days, but it makes me feel better.
>  Should I add anything? BTW: I think the first
>  movie he bankrolled with money stolen from
>  artists was _Amadaeus_.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: David Lindley on home taping
>  Date: Monday, March 05, 2001 12:45 AM
>  "This whole thing depends ultimately on the
>  fans. The fans have spoken to the record
>  companies for whatever reason and, in the
>  process, are throwing the baby out with the
>  bath water, shooting the messenger. My fans
>  know that when they download my recent stuff
>  from Napster they are only hurting me, so
>  they don't do it. When they make recordings,
>  when they tape my stuff, they send me a $5
>  taping fee and they do it all the time.
>  Sounds strange doesn't it? I put a little
>  note in there in one of my CDs that said that
>  if they taped my stuff they should pay me $5,
>  so that I wouldn't appear in their dreams
>  like Freddy Kruger. I also said that if they
>  couldn't afford it then they didn't have to
>  pay me. Sounds logical, doesn't it?"
>  -David Lindley

>  From: ray
>  To: sdweb@steely...
>  Subject: My Bid&body=My Bid Is: Let's get to
>  it--
>  Date: Tuesday, March 27, 2001 3:48 AM
>  I won't fuck around for one second: remember
>  when ______________ forced you guys to make
>  that Christmas album in 197_ at gunpoint?
>  Well, if the attached file hasn't convinced
>  you I've got the entire and only copy, we can
>  play more games, ok? But I know that you know
>  I got it-- so here's the deal: it might also
>  floor you to know that I know you got the
>  sole copy of the long-suppressed Doors
>  Christmas album and I know how you got it--
>  hell, there's one you won't see on
>  Storytellers or whatever the fuck, eh? Look,
>  where I come from we don't snitch either. We
>  trade even-up, the sooner the better, and you
>  got my word nobody ever hears Jimbo doin'
>  "Daddy's Drunk On Christmas" unless you
>  ornery, black-hearted cusses stab him in the
>  back. For all your bombast I don't make you
>  as those kind of guys. For my part you can
>  expect the same from me-- you get the one &
>  only known set of "The Yule Hostage Sessions"
>  and we're quits-- once you throw in that
>  silly-assed hood ornament, which I have plans
>  for.
>  Look, I'm not tryin' to be a hard-on-- you
>  know where I live. Tell you what-- for
>  lagniappe and as a little good-will gesture I
>  give you my word it sits in a box of
>  sand-blasted thriftstore 45s in the closet
>  until ______________ actually comes to the
>  town he helped befoul with what Mike Watt
>  calls "The Reich Hall Of Shame." I expect a
>  rain of toads and an Indians World Series
>  sweep first. But if that improbable
>  visitation should occur and only with your
>  blessing we'll put that bobble right up
>  ______________'s dirt chute and break it off.
>  We, the right-thinking music fans have been
>  wronged and we want some payback. You know
>  how to get in touch. Is it too early to call
>  you both "Doc."?
>  All the best,
>  -Uncle Ray

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: "Dream Team" Arrives To Negotiate
>  Milosevic Surrender
>  Date: Saturday, March 31, 2001 1:44 PM
>  BELGRADE, Yugoslavia--Efforts to arrest
>  deposed Yugoslav leader Slobodan Milosevic
>  took yet another unexpected turn when U.N.
>  peacekeepers rushed a hastily-assembled team
>  to negotiate a peaceful end to the standoff
>  outside his mansion. Ross Perot, Lou
>  Piniella, Bobby Knight and Denis Leary
>  arrived early this morning after a rather
>  chaotic "red-eye gasser" aboard Air Force
>  Two. A disoriented Perot was furious when
>  informed that Buddy Rich could not join them
>  as he was dead. "Do you know who I am, you
>  sons of bitches?" he asked. "I didn't ASK you
>  if he was alive, did I? I guess you could
>  waste a lot of my time answering questions I
>  didn't ask you, isn't that right? Shut up."
>  For his part Leary bemoaned the lack of seats
>  aboard Air Force Two and "the sorry-assed
>  quality of the crank-- we invented the shit,
>  right? Right? I gotta hoover a rail as long
>  as my arm to get a good one-Pepsi buzz goin.'
>  The seats are trashed, the jocks are havin'
>  some kinda big-dick contest about dibs on the
>  wet-bar, and the pygmy's ballistic about shit
>  that's probably only happening in his head.
>  Hey, for my part I'm ready to do my utmost
>  right now-- hand me one of those bullhorns,
>  junior, and step back."
>  Updates to follow...

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Taunting of Bush by China Suspected
>  Date: Monday, April 02, 2001 11:41 PM
>  ARE BELONG TO US" was written in Napalm on
>  the White House lawn and ignited around 8:30
>  this evening, according to White House staff.
>  Further investigation turned up two left
>  cowboy boots in the Rose Garden, a Roget's
>  Pocket Thesaurus in one and the
>  Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary in the
>  other, with the word "nepotism" circled. An
>  unidentified source within the Secret Service
>  claims that in an ongoing investigation of the
>  dictionary other circled words are being
>  discovered, such as "pussy, loser, coup,
>  dishonor, puppet, mockery, retard, incest,
>  drunkard, rectum, serpent and spymaster." The
>  source, who would speak only on the condition
>  of anonymity, claims more circled words will
>  be found, "but we're only up to 'S.' Give me
>  a break."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject:
>  Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001 5:06 PM
>  Bush: It's time for return of plane crew
>  President George W. Bush today said it was
>  time for crewmembers of the U.S. spy plane
>  grounded in China to return home. Bush said
>  China's refusal to return the crew could
>  undermine U.S.-China relations. Chinese
>  officials, meanwhile, issued a statement
>  which roughly translates into English as "It
>  is time for the unfucking of yourself to
>  begin rapidly." It was reported that the
>  president had no immediate response, wanting
>  to first meet with the vice president. Rumors
>  that he initially lost his temper and blurted
>  "I know you are but what am I?" were refuted
>  by White House staff members.

>  From: ray
>  To: sd@steelydan...
>  Subject: Would you PLEASE stop it?
>  Date: Wednesday, April 18, 2001 3:01 AM
>  Look, Walter--
>  every goddamn time I visit your site it is
>  like being held down and tickled, OK? I will
>  have you know I listened to your "radio show"
>  for a full 46 minutes before I realized you
>  were "on" with Professor Irwin Corey and
>  Gypsy Boots doing their impersonations of
>  short-bus guys who got sent home one day with
>  notes safety-pinned to their clothes telling
>  whoever might be on the other end that they
>  didn't have to come back again. "Rudy Van
>  Geller" (Uri's Van brother, right?), "Tom
>  Waite," (you know, that cult guy who did that
>  song?). Where the fuck does it end? You are
>  the absolute God Of Fuckaround, OK? Now
>  PLEASE let me kick the football this time,
>  OK, Lucy?

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Cliffs Notes founder dies at age 83
>  Date: Saturday, May 05, 2001 8:28 PM
>  The End.

>  From: ray
>  To: cd
>  Subject: some phone info.
>  Date: Thursday, June 28, 2001 8:25 PM
>  Maybe. It is all at least 10 years old, of
>  course, but there are some basic givens:
>  nobody in the phone company knows what
>  anybody else in the phone company is doing.
>  Kafka would have adored the phone company.
>  You must take charge immediately and tell
>  them what they need to do, even if you don't
>  know. First you must expalin to them that
>  they are absolutely not the person you wanted
>  to talk to, since your phone is not working.
>  They are deeply in the wrong and must now
>  point you toward the person you might need--
>  make it very plain that you know they don't
>  have a clue. They will have an employee
>  number-- get it. "Bob" doesn't cut it. Good
>  phrase: "I will most likely need to talk to
>  your boss's boss, to begin with." Let them
>  know this is not their problem and that they
>  are an inept pencil-jockey. Other good
>  phrases: "Repeat problem." Make them aware
>  that this is "a repeat business problem."
>  There was a person in my department (me!) who
>  did nothing but research repeat business
>  problems, see if there really was a problem
>  and FIX it. Believe it or not they really
>  hate repeat problems. A couple other things:
>  every telephone number has a history which
>  can be looked up. The left hand truly doesn't
>  know what the right hand is doing so once you
>  establish some kind of rapport with somebody
>  fairly far along the food chain, you use this
>  person like a billy club-- don't be surprised
>  if somebody without a clue calls you to
>  contradict what your buddy up the food chain
>  just told you-- this is probably an outside
>  contractor with bad information. You must
>  crush this person and their misinformation
>  immediately by telling them to forget
>  everything and leave everything else alone,
>  which they will gladly do once you drop that
>  other person's name. You probably won't be
>  able to contact your inside person directly
>  with a single number you could dial (if he
>  ever gave that number out to ANYBODY he would
>  rue the day, no? There IS wisdom in this) but
>  everybody will know who he or she is. Hell,
>  I'm just warming up here-- a few years ago I
>  had a problem and the first lazy son of a
>  bitch they sent said "yeah, it's broken" and
>  ran. I called back and assed around with the
>  girl who writes up the "trouble tickets" and
>  dictated to her a request for a guy who was
>  not afraid to work, who liked a challenge and
>  would fucking well stay until it was fixed-- I
>  also asked her not to snitch on the lazy
>  asshole, but she did-- the next guy who came
>  showed up laughing and said "well, she got
>  the snitch part wrong but I guess some people
>  don't like money-- I'm pullin' down
>  time-and-a-half for as long as this takes--
>  let's fix it." It was ice in the line
>  somewhere between my house and the (I think)
>  junction box over on 152nd St. What they
>  needed to do then once he isolated the
>  problem was switch over the cable and pair--
>  that's what gives you your phone number,
>  which all starts in the Central Office. He
>  told me it would take a couple days until he
>  could do it, which is true. About a half hour
>  later some clueless asshole called to say
>  everything was fixed and I gave him the name
>  of the guy who was really fixing it on
>  Monday, took his name and told him to stay
>  the fuck away from everything.
>  BTW: also get a "commit time" (which should
>  not EVER be more than a day) and hold them to
>  it-- the worst thing that can happen in a
>  department (other than mass murder) is to
>  have a "mis-commit." Every one must be viewed
>  by a supervisor. Any commit extension has to
>  be okayed by a supervisor--
>  bippity-bippitybippity.
>  Hope this helps-- gonna go see Savoy Brown,
>  which apparently consists of Kim Simmonds and
>  ???.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Cc: GTR
>  Subject: Cheney leaves hospital after
>  getting heart monitor implant
>  Date: Saturday, June 30, 2001 5:52 PM
>  WASHINGTON -- Vice President Dick Cheney
>  walked out of the hospital Saturday hours
>  after having a heart monitor device implanted
>  to keep track of his heart rhythm and slow it
>  down if necessary.
>  "Feel good, sore shoulder, good shape,"
>  Cheney told reporters before getting into a
>  vehicle. "Picking up shopping channel.
>  Getting traffic reports and Orioles games.
>  Apparently GPS. Some good college station.
>  Unfortunately sports talk station. Occasional
>  'Munsters' re-runs. Wouldn't mind 'Star Trek'
>  or 'Man From U.N.C.L.E.' Praying for 'The
>  Avengers.' Hopeful for college football
>  season."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Milosevic to face U.N. court alone
>  Date: Monday, July 02, 2001 10:07 PM
>  Milosevic to face U.N. court alone
>  THE HAGUE, Netherlands -- Former Yugoslav
>  President Slobodan Milosevic will represent
>  himself during his initial appearance before
>  the U.N. War Crimes Tribunal.
>  Milosevic will become the first head of state
>  to appear before the United Nations court on
>  Tuesday, when he will be charged with crimes
>  against humanity relating to ethnic cleansing
>  in Kosovo.
>  "As long as the tribunal lasts, he will not
>  have legal counsel. He will answer for
>  himself," said Zdenko Tomanovic, one of two
>  Belgrade lawyers who met Milosevic on Monday
>  afternoon.
>  "It is out of our meeting comes the
>  following: Mr. Milosevic does not recognise
>  The Hague Tribunal," he continued. "Since Mr.
>  Milosevic does not recognise The Hague
>  Tribunal, he is not going to appoint any
>  lawyers." He added that Milosevic, who ruled
>  Yugoslavia for 13 years until his downfall in
>  October 2000, believes the tribunal is a
>  "mechanism to conduct genocide on the Serb
>  people." He furthermore stated his belief
>  that happiness is just a guy named Joe and
>  that Superman probably could take Mighty
>  Mouse. He went on to say that Diana Rigg was
>  the sexiest woman who ever lived and that
>  George Brett couldn't carry Ted Williams'
>  jock. In drummers, he went with Elvin Jones,
>  and surprisingly rated Ginger Baker over Tony
>  Williams. Go figure. He refused to argue sax
>  players at all, though admitting that even if
>  Bird wasn't God he probably did live. He
>  didn't seem to know what boxers or briefs
>  were. He laughed when asked to list his
>  favorite reggae artists. He said that you can
>  fix a leak in a radiator with a raw egg and
>  that you could pound a bar of soap into a
>  hole in your oil pan and then get home if you
>  weren't a complete numbnuts and carried an
>  extra couple quarts of oil.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Condit admits to affair with Levy
>  Date: Saturday, July 07, 2001 10:38 PM
>  Police source: Condit admits to affair with
>  Levy
>  WASHINGTON-- Rep. Gary Condit told
>  Washington police he had a romantic
>  relationship with 24-year-old former intern
>  Chandra Levy, a police source who requested
>  unanimity told...
>  The admission apparently came in Condit's
>  third interview with police on Friday, said
>  the source, who is familiar with the session.
>  Meanwhile on Saturday, Terrance Gainer,
>  Executive Assistant Chief of the Washington
>  Metropolitan Police, would not confirm Condit
>  admitted to an affair but said police are
>  comfortable that they understand the nature
>  of the relationship between Condit and Levy,
>  but "unfortunately it does not lead us to
>  finding where Miss Chandra Ann Levy is."
>  Gainer said the California congressman
>  answered all questions fully, and reiterated
>  Condit is not a suspect in the case.
>  "He was not a suspect before the meeting, he
>  was not a suspect during the meeting, and
>  he's not a suspect since the meeting," Gainer
>  said. "So he was cooperative and happy to get
>  this third interview out of the way. If
>  anybody were to ask me, I would offer the
>  opinion that he's a low-life slimy-assed
>  motherfucker who had a chance to tell the
>  truth a long fuckin' time ago and wouldn't do
>  it until we got his head in a vice. I quit
>  voting years ago, because every ass-wad you
>  ever heard of sold his ass a million times
>  before he ever got his name on a ballot. This
>  dick-bag is probably about as good as it gets.
>  Makes you proud to be an American. When they
>  find her body, I hope somebody shoves his
>  face right in it and calls him a liar and
>  thanks him for all the help. Hey, I'm just a
>  dumb cop who gets paid to bust the heads of
>  whoever guys like him say I should, but I'd
>  really like to put one on him-- the whole
>  history of the world is some dirtbag sticking
>  his dick where he shouldn't have and then
>  lying about it. I don't know why God doesn't
>  put the sun out and go away."

>  From: ray
>  To: rev
>  Subject: Movie Advice from John Irving
>  Date: Monday, July 09, 2001 11:33 PM
>  "But when I did agree to do "Cider House," I
>  came to it from that background, realizing
>  that you don't take any money up front, so
>  that nobody ever buys the rights to the novel
>  until the film's going into production. You
>  don't take any screenwriting fee. If you're
>  going to get paid, you get paid on the back
>  end. And you insist on director approval,
>  script approval, cast approval and that the
>  director have final cut of the picture.
>  Further, the terms I had with the film's
>  producer, Richard Gladstein, were spelled out
>  even more clearly than that. The only people
>  making creative decisions with this film --
>  and those creative decisions included script,
>  cast and cut -- would be Richard, Lasse and
>  myself. It was a three-man film."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Elian Gonzalez makes rare public
>  appearance
>  Date: Tuesday, July 10, 2001 3:26 PM
>  Elian Gonzalez makes rare public appearance
>  July, 2001 | HAVANA
>  The most famous boy in Cuba, 7-year-old Elian
>  Gonzalez, made a rare public appearance
>  Tuesday at the closing ceremony of a meeting
>  of the island's communist group for
>  schoolchildren.
>  "Socialist children," thousands of boys and
>  girls in school uniforms sang at the
>  beginning of the morning gathering of the
>  Pioneers Congress. "Steadfast! Steadfast!"
>  Elian then took the stage with his band,
>  'Elian con Los Ballistidors' and tore through
>  a raging set of vintage punk-rock, mostly
>  Stooges and Sex Pistols covers, though the
>  odd obscurity found it's way into the set
>  from time to time, like "Slave To My Dick" by
>  the Subhumans and "People Who Died" by the Jim
>  Carroll Band. He closed the set with an
>  acoustic version of "Men of Good Fortune" by
>  Lou Reed.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Condit polygraph frustrates police
>  Date: Saturday, July 14, 2001 1:01 PM
>  WASHINGTON -- A private polygraph test
>  administered to Rep. Gary Condit was a "bit
>  self-serving," according to Washington, D.C.,
>  police, but the California congressman is
>  still not a suspect in the disappearance of
>  intern Chandra Levy.
>  "I don't close the door on anything," Asst.
>  Chief Terry Gainer said. "He wasn't ruled in
>  so he can't be ruled out."
>  Condit's attorney, Abbe Lowell, said Friday
>  that his client had passed a polygraph, which
>  consisted of the following questions:
>  Who was your favorite Beatle?
>  Are you wearing pants?
>  Are your shoes on the right feet?
>  Do you turn right on red?
>  Ever see a grunion run?
>  How 'bout those Mariners?
>  Ever build a Big Daddy Roth model?
>  Could you help a bro out with some spare
>  change?
>  "Let the guy get on with his life," Lowell
>  said. But Gainer said that administering a
>  polygraph without police participation "might
>  serve the defense attorney properly, but it's
>  not the way the police would approach it."
>  "I've never been involved in a polygraph in
>  30-some years of policing homicide
>  investigations where the polygraph examiner
>  didn't want to know the facts of the case,"
>  Gainer said. "And generally the honest facts
>  of the case are given by law enforcement
>  authorities, so this is a bit self-serving."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Kissinger Arrested At Katharine
>  Graham Eulogy
>  Date: Sunday, July 22, 2001 11:29 PM
>  Henry Kissinger Arrested At Katharine Graham
>  Eulogy
>  Former United States Secretary of State Henry
>  Kissinger was arrested today at a eulogy for
>  former chairman and CEO of the Washington
>  Post Katharine Graham by Cambodians and
>  whisked away to a cell in The Hague where he
>  is expected to be tried for crimes against
>  humanity perpetrated upon Thailand and
>  Cambodia in the middle '70s. In the midst of
>  a "military action" against Vietnam,
>  resulting in part from the Gulf of Tonkin
>  resolution and a shadowy reading of the
>  "rules of engagement," tens of thousands of
>  civilians in Thailand and Cambodia and
>  perhaps millions in Vietnam were murdered by
>  bombs dropped from as high as 30 thousand
>  feet by American B-52s. If convicted Mr.
>  Kissinger could face the possibility of being
>  forced to work as a semi-skilled non-union
>  laborer in America, where he will be forced
>  to compete for the job to begin with by
>  taking a series of humiliating tests that
>  won't have anything to do with the actual
>  job. Then after several interviews if he is
>  lucky he will be forced to sign an at-will
>  agreement so he may be terminated at any time
>  for any reason. He will have to work for
>  anywhere from minimum wage to 8 dollars an
>  hour, then after a few months he will be
>  fired or laid off, only to start the process
>  again. Thus far the Geneva Convention still
>  allows this. Mr. Kissinger has indicated that
>  if he is convicted he will request the death
>  penalty.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Condit may agree to new interview
>  Date: Monday, July 23, 2001 10:45 PM
>  Condit may agree to new interview
>  WASHINGTON -- Rep. Gary Condit signaled his
>  willingness Monday to be interviewed a fourth
>  time by police who are investigating the
>  disappearance of missing former federal
>  intern Chandra Levy. A sixth day of searching
>  in Washington parks yielded nothing.
>  "If the police or FBI have anything new they
>  want to discuss, we're happy to cooperate,"
>  said M_____ ___, a spokeswoman for the
>  California Democrat. ___ declined comment on
>  a possible time or place for a fourth
>  meeting, which police officials have said
>  could happen this week.
>  Condit was last questioned by police July 6,
>  and investigators now want to enlist his help
>  in developing a profile of Levy as a possible
>  crime victim, a police official said.
>  ___ said she would be more than happy to lie
>  and stonewall some more because that was her
>  job and added that Levy was most certainly "a
>  whore who caused her own death, if they ever
>  find her body."
>  In Florida, an attorney for Condit's younger
>  brother said Sunday his client doesn't know
>  anything about Levy's disappearance and
>  hasn't left Florida or spoken to the
>  congressman for a year. "The last time I saw
>  him," his brother said, "he was doing the
>  stewardess and some Starbucks bimbo. Maybe a
>  stripper. And that girl who worked at Camden
>  Yards. And he still had time to lie to me,
>  too."
>  Darrell Wayne Condit doesn't understand the
>  media attention surrounding his arrest
>  Saturday for violating probation for a
>  drunken driving conviction in the Florida
>  Keys, attorney Jon Sale said. "Darrell is a
>  loadie, Gary is a poontang hound. They're a
>  preacher's kids and both of them behave as
>  though the word 'moderation' had never been
>  invented."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: "...promises to return from
>  vacation with fresh ideas."
>  Date: Friday, August 03, 2001 8:08 PM
>  Bush Declares End to Deadlock and Drift
>  Bush highlights first six months' work,
>  promises to return from vacation with fresh
>  ideas.
>  "Our nation has needs that will not wait,"
>  Bush said in a 5?-minute Rose Garden address
>  meant to celebrate the accomplishments of his
>  first half-year in office and sketch an agenda
>  for the remaining half.
>  "I propose the quad beer hat. I've seen those
>  sumbitches with two cans, but I think you
>  could put two on each side, I think you could
>  double down again and then run the whole mess
>  into one big tube for your Bud-hole. And I
>  think those big foam hands you buy at
>  football games? Those "we're number one"
>  things? You could re-do those so you're just
>  flippin' the bird at everybody all day long.
>  Oh yeah. And I'm thinking we absolutely need
>  rubber cars. Big-ass rubber cars so when your
>  daughters win the Felt-A-Thigh-A-Day 1st
>  Annual Suds Bang-Off and decide to drive home
>  anyway 'cause their dad's president and
>  everybody can just kiss their ass-- well, I'm
>  just thinkin' out loud here-- but I'm gonna
>  get me some smart peckers together down there
>  on the ranch and get them thinkin' real hard
>  on what we need to do to get this here done.
>  Later."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Clinton to write memoirs for Knopf
>  Date: Monday, August 06, 2001 6:09 PM
>  Clinton to write memoirs for Knopf
>  -- Will former President Clinton reveal the
>  details of his relationship with Monica
>  Lewinsky, and how it affected his family?
>  What about behind-the-scenes revelations
>  about his dealings with Boris Yeltsin, Yasser
>  Arafat, Newt Gingrich and Al Gore? What about
>  his legendary temper? And what about the
>  Whitewater investigation?
>  Those are some of the questions buzzing
>  through the publishing world Monday after
>  officials with Alfred P. Knopf -- the
>  flagship imprint of the Knopf Publishing
>  Group, a division of Random House, Inc. --
>  announced Clinton would write his memoirs for
>  the publishing company. The book, which still
>  must be written, will hit bookshelves some
>  time in 2003.
>  Sonny Mehta, Knopf's president and editor in
>  chief denied rumors that the 471 page book
>  will say "I got blowed and I like french
>  fries and I wear overalls and play the banjo
>  now on my front porch" over and over again
>  throughout the whole book.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Human cloning attempt to begin in
>  November
>  Date: Monday, August 06, 2001 10:54 PM
>  Human cloning attempt to be outlined Tuesday
>  WASHINGTON-- Discounting fears of critics who
>  argue the technology is not ready, a team of
>  reproductive specialists is expected to
>  announce plans Tuesday to clone up to 200
>  human beings.
>  Dr. Panos Zavos, a former University of
>  Kentucky researcher, said Monday he plans to
>  begin transferring DNA from the nuclei of
>  living cells into human eggs in November to
>  create a human embryo, which would be
>  implanted into a woman's uterus.
>  Calling concerns about the proximity of the
>  clinic to a genetically engineered catfish
>  farm "preposterous" Dr. Zavos said "I refuse
>  to dignify that question with a response." He
>  then refused to confirm unsubstantiated but
>  persistent rumors that workers on offshore
>  oil platforms off the coast of New Orleans
>  were being taunted and harassed by talking
>  catfish up to eight feet in length.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject:
>  Date: Sunday, August 26, 2001 1:31 PM
>  ....from a book review in the Sunday L.A.
>  Times:
>  "Strausbaugh writes of a display of guitars
>  at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: "If
>  there's any spirit of rock 'n' roll
>  inhabiting those guitars, it's begging you to
>  smash the glass, pull the ax down off the
>  wall, strap it on, plug it into a big stack
>  of Marshalls, and ... play the thing. It's a
>  key to how wrong-headed, how nonmusical, the
>  Rock Hall is that no one associated with the
>  institution understood what an anti-rock 'n'
>  roll gesture it is to crucify all those
>  instruments like that." How right that is.
>  It's sad and stupid that something as alive
>  as rock 'n' roll is being killed by
>  institutions created to apotheosize it.
>  But as long as they are alive, people have to
>  be allowed to age, and people have to be
>  allowed to do what they have devoted their
>  lives to until they can't do it anymore. In
>  the life of a musician, in the life of a
>  style and in the life of each of us, there is
>  a moment of youth and rage that, if we are
>  lucky, mellows into mastery. Both the rage
>  and the mastery are forms of life and power
>  and truth. So relax, man, and let us geezers
>  rock."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject:
>  Date: Sunday, September 30, 2001 8:30 PM
>  "He's in a place which cannot be located by
>  anyone," Taliban ambassador to Pakistan Abdul
>  Salam Zaeef told journalists in Islamabad. "He
>  has signed with Mercury Records, or whatever
>  the fuck it is called today. It is a far more
>  effective way of vanishing than going into
>  your American Witness Protection Program;
>  Jimmy Hoffa has been on Mercury since 1975
>  and has released twenty albums in that time,
>  some of them pretty good."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject:
>  Date: Friday, October 05, 2001 2:00 AM
>  Britain's foreign secretary broadcasts
>  message to Afghan people
>  October 5, 2001 Posted: 12:30 AM EDT (0430
>  GMT)
>  LONDON (CNN) -- British Foreign Secretary
>  Jack Straw broadcast a message early Friday
>  to the people of Afghanistan, reassuring them
>  that the international coalition against
>  terrorism has no "quarrel" with them and that
>  it only wants to bring peace to their country.
>  Straw's message, broadcast in Pashto, Urdu,
>  Arabic, Persian, Farsi, Pig Latin and Fruit
>  Loop talk, said Britain and the coalition is
>  seeking justice for the attacks and that if
>  things didn't go their way "almost at once"
>  they would drop Robert Fripp into the middle
>  of everything. "There isn't anything in life
>  that couldn't be worse with the addition of
>  Robert Fripp," said Straw ominously. "It is
>  time to stop pissing about and throw all our
>  cards on the table. I don't care if you're
>  living in a hole and eating weeds and
>  stones-- imagine doing it while a tiny, testy
>  Englishman sits in a chair with his axe and
>  scowls at you while he throws down some gas
>  music from outer space."

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Bush gets New York in a baseball
>  state of mind
>  Date: Wednesday, October 31, 2001 1:28 AM
>  Bush gets New York in a baseball state of
>  mind
>  NEW YORK -- With his nation under the latest
>  alert for a terrorist attack, President Bush
>  strode to the mound at Yankee Stadium to make
>  the most symbolic pitch of any World Series.
>  Bush emerged from the Yankees' dugout as the
>  dignified voice of Bob Sheppard, the
>  public-address voice of Yankee Stadium for a
>  half-century, said, "Please welcome the
>  president of the United States, even though
>  he looks like a monkey." As extended cheers
>  descended and cameras flashed, Bush threw a
>  looping banana to Yankees backup catcher Todd
>  Greene. The sellout crowd of more than 57,000
>  responded with a unified chant of "USA, USA,
>  USA." "That was a Chiquita," said Stephen
>  DeFelice of Wall, N.J., whose Yankees cap had
>  four beers and a hose stuck in it. "It was
>  awesome." Bush became the first president to
>  throw out a banana at a World Series game in
>  more than 45 years, since Dwight Eisenhower
>  did it at Ebbets Field in Brooklyn on Oct. 3,
>  1956, before Game 1 between the Yankees and
>  Dodgers. Bush and his wife, Laura, watched
>  the game in the box of Yankees owner George
>  Steinbrenner with a group that included New
>  York Gov. George Pataki, National Security
>  Adviser Condoleezza Rice, Larry Flynt,
>  Brother Theodore and baseball Commissioner
>  Bud Selig. Above the facade beyond center
>  field flew the torn panties of Deborah Harry,
>  recovered from the Trade Center, found covered
>  with ash and with 12 stars missing. Most seats
>  were empty, partly because of extensive
>  security precautions but also because nobody
>  wants to die on television like pigs in Hell.
>  "The market (for tickets) today is a lot
>  lower," Sean Dougan of Select-a-ticket said
>  Tuesday. "And that mostly has to do with the
>  warnings that came out this week. I have no
>  Jordan-Knicks tickets available.There's a
>  roof on that sucker. And Michael reminds them
>  of a time when they could leave the house
>  without a will. But I've been scalping Cipro
>  like a motherfucker." The Yankees, 3-time
>  defending champions, trailed the Series with
>  the Arizona Diamondbacks 2-0 heading into
>  Tuesday night's game.

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Security tightened at Calif.
>  bridges after threat
>  Date: Friday, November 02, 2001 2:18 AM
>  Security tightened at Calif. bridges after
>  threat
>  SACRAMENTO, California-- Gov. Gray Davis said
>  Thursday state officials had received a
>  "credible threat" against major bridges on
>  the West Coast that could be the target of
>  terrorists during rush hour between November
>  2 and 7. He said existing "elaborate security
>  measures" were being stepped up and the
>  National Guard had been ordered to strengthen
>  security on bridges in San Francisco, Los
>  Angeles and San Diego. "The best preparation
>  is to let the terrorists know we're ready to
>  rumble. It's not going to succeed," he told
>  reporters at a news conference."I myself am
>  ready to root, hog or die." Mindy Tucker,
>  spokeswoman for Attorney General John
>  Ashcroft, said in Washington that he was
>  "completely drunk by 10 A.M." Ashcroft and
>  FBI Director Robert Mueller said Monday
>  intelligence information seemed "credible
>  after about five fingers of Ten High on an
>  empty stomach." Davis said the threat
>  involved the Golden Gate Bridge and Bay
>  Bridge in the San Francisco area, the Vincent
>  Thomas Bridge at the Port of Los Angeles, the
>  Coronado Bridge in San Diego, the Big City
>  Liquor Store in San Diego, Buster's Zapateria
>  in downtown Tijuana and Les Girls and Pacer's
>  on Sports Arena Boulevard in San Diego,
>  longtime Navy strongholds. "We believe there
>  is a credible threat that there will be an
>  effort made between November 2 and November 7
>  or November 10th to November 15th or sometime
>  during the rainy season to destroy one of
>  those bridges" during rush hour, Davis said.
>  The governor said he came forward because
>  "it's our obligation to inform the public.
>  Christ, are they fun to watch when they get
>  up a head of steam and start raving all their
>  racist bullshit. We don't want any damage. We
>  don't want any bloodshed," he said. "Our goal
>  is to set a major ratfuck in motion and then
>  sit back with a quart of rum and some
>  grapefruits and watch all hell break loose."
>  Later on CNN's "Larry King Live," Davis was
>  less specific about the bridges targeted. "I
>  said whatever I said, Nancy. Play back the
>  tape. They [those who issued the threat]
>  don't specify the bridges," Davis said. "So
>  why the fuck should I?" Surprised by Davis'
>  comments, the Justice Department took the
>  rare step of releasing a statement from the
>  FBI Counterterrorism Division sent via the
>  National Threat Warning System: "The FBI is
>  in possession of uncorroborated information
>  indicating the possibility of additional
>  terrorist attacks against the United States,
>  specifically the West Coast," the statement
>  said. "Reportedly, unspecified groups are
>  targeting suspension bridges and liquor
>  stores and titty bars on the West Coast. Six
>  incidents are to take place during rush hour
>  beginning Friday, November 2 and continuing
>  through November 7, 2001. Or not. No further
>  information about the alleged attack is known
>  at this time," the statement continued. "The
>  FBI is attempting to verify the validity of
>  this report and drinking like it is the
>  Apocalypse. Recipients will be updated as
>  events warrant, by somebody."

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject:
>  Date: Monday, November 05, 2001 1:21 AM
>  PHOENIX-- After declaring themselves the
>  Lord's team, the New York Yankees are now
>  faced with the prospect of paying off some
>  humiliating bets. Joe Torre has to change his
>  name to Louis Periwinkle and retire to
>  Phoenix. Roger Clemons has to have Mike
>  Piazza's name tattooed on his chest. The
>  whole team has to walk back to New York from
>  Phoenix, but not until they listen to Randy
>  Johnson's Soundgarden audience tape
>  collection (rumored to consist of hundreds of
>  hours of performances) while they clean his
>  pool. And perhaps most humiliating of all,
>  they must build stilts for Diamondbacks
>  relief pitcher Byung Hyung Kim and call him
>  John Wayne. "First September 11th and now
>  this," said Louis Periwinkle, formerly Joe
>  Torre. "In a way this is actually much worse.
>  I know this statement will outrage the nation
>  but I'm retired and good luck finding me down
>  here-- everybody is in the witness protection
>  program and they all look like me."

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject:
>  Date: Tuesday, November 20, 2001 1:13 AM
>  President Bush hosts Muslims for Ramadan meal
>  WASHINGTON -- President Bush hosted a dinner
>  at the White House with envoys from Islamic
>  nations Monday night to mark the Muslim holy
>  month of Ramadan. It was an act meant to
>  rebut accusations that the United States is
>  waging a religious war in Afghanistan. Bush
>  hosted an iftar meal -- the traditional
>  breaking of the daily fast during Ramadan --
>  for representatives of 53 Muslim countries
>  and senior U.S. officials. The Pentagon and
>  State Department plan Ramadan meals next
>  week. Speaking at the start of the meal in
>  the State Dining Room, Bush embraced Ramadan
>  and the upcoming holiday season as a time for
>  nations to "chow like it's 1999 and watch some
>  bubbas tote the pig." At the same time, he
>  defended the decision not to suspend bombing
>  during Ramadan, as key ally Pakistan and some
>  other Muslim nations requested. "The
>  terrorists have no home in any faith," Bush
>  said. "Evil has no holy days. Nor does
>  gravity. I would bomb my mother if she tried
>  to make me miss the Detroit Lions getting
>  their asses kicked by somebody on
>  Thanksgiving." The dinner was part of a broad
>  public relations campaign by the
>  administration aimed at blunting criticism of
>  the airstrikes and him for being a retard in
>  charge of the most powerful nation on earth
>  as we rush unchecked toward the Apocalypse.
>  Bush often makes a point of saying the United
>  States is waging war on terrorism, not Islam.
>  Then he farts and blames it on the press. He
>  has visited a mosque and met with Muslim
>  leaders at the White House and ordered them
>  to make him a Slurpee. It was the first time
>  a president has hosted a Ramadan meal
>  featuring stuffed porkchops. During the
>  Clinton administration, first lady Hillary
>  Rodham Clinton hosted meals at the White
>  House for Muslim-American leaders and played
>  Prince on a blaster to drown out the sounds
>  of her husband copulating with harlots
>  upstairs. For Muslims, Ramadan marks the time
>  when God revealed the Koran, their holy book,
>  to the prophet Mohammed 1,400 years ago, at
>  which time he apparently told them to kill
>  everybody. It is a time for spiritual
>  reflection. Between sunrise and sunset,
>  Muslims abstain from food, drink, smoking and
>  sex. Then they eschew sleep and do all those
>  things. Ramadan began last weekend and ends
>  in most parts of the world on Dec. 16.
>  Estimates of the number of Muslims in the USA
>  vary from 1.8 million to 6 million. "As an
>  American-Muslim, I support the idea of giving
>  more recognition to the Muslim community. ...
>  This is a step in the right direction," said
>  Faiz Rehman, director of communications for
>  the American Muslim Council. "Can't wait to
>  see what he does for Kwanzaa." Bush noted
>  that "as this feast breaks the Ramadan fast,
>  America is also sharing our table with the
>  people of Afghanistan, who are eating sticks
>  and mud and land mines." Among the foods
>  served at the White House was dates, which is
>  what Mohammed is said to have gone without in
>  high school. Bush said the United States is
>  "proud to play a leading role" in hunger
>  relief with airdrops and truck convoys of
>  tainted food. He pledged to "help reconstruct
>  that country and to support a stable
>  government" and said the United States wants
>  "more opportunity and a better life for the
>  people of Afghanistan and all the people of
>  the Islamic world, especially if there's as
>  much oil there as we think." "The White House
>  is setting a table, not only for ourselves
>  domestically, but for other nations," White
>  House spokesman Ari Fleischer said. Then he
>  looked at the president and laughed really
>  hard.

>  From: L
>  To: ray
>  Subject:
>  Date: Saturday, November 24, 2001 3:07 PM
>  25-11-01
>  Dear Uncle Ray,
>  My name is L___. I am 2_. I live in
>  __________ (former ____ republic).
>  I have been to Hong Kong a few months ago. I
>  watched news about you on TV, I read about
>  you in the papers.
>  I remember your voice so clearly. I have
>  sweet memories about my time in Hong Kong
>  because I would spend nights listening to
>  Uncle Ray.
>  I would like to ask you to play a song for a
>  person who has been listening to your radio
>  for years. He is your devoted fan. His name
>  is ___________. Will you pls play "Strangers
>  in the night" by Frank Sinatra for him from
>  me? Is it possible to arrange this on ______
>  and let me know beforehand so that I can
>  inform him? I hope you will consider my
>  request as I am also devoted to this
>  wonderful Uncle Ray radio.
>  Thank you in advance.

>  From: ray
>  To: L
>  Subject: Re:
>  Date: Saturday, November 24, 2001 5:44 PM
>  L___ my friend, I'm not that Uncle Ray. I'll
>  have to check this other Uncle Ray out. Hope
>  you find him. I DO like Frank Sinatra.
>  -ray

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject:
>  Date: Friday, December 14, 2001 12:30 AM
>  SHAYKH: (...inaudible...)
>  You have given us weapons, you have given us
>  hope and you have given us the pocket
>  fisherman from Ron Popiel. We thank Allah for
>  you. We don't want to take much of your time,
>  but this is the arrangement of the brothers.
>  People now are supporting us more, even those
>  ones who did not support us in the past,
>  support us more now. I did not want to take
>  that much of your time. We praise Allah, we
>  praise Allah. We came from Kabul and Rancho
>  Mirage. We were very pleased to visit. May
>  Allah bless you both at home and the camp.
>  Many reacharounds are yours in the next life.
>  We asked the driver to take us, it was a night
>  with a full moon, thanks be to Allah. We
>  accepted his candy. Believe me it is not in
>  the country side. The elderly...everybody
>  praises what you did, the great action you
>  did, which was first and foremost by the
>  grace of Allah. This is the guidance of Allah
>  and the blessed fruit of jihad. And Ben &
>  Jerry's.
>  Word up. Thanks to Allah. What is the stand
>  of the Mosques there (in Saudi Arabia)?
>  You could not get lucky in a Catholic girl's
>  school on payday. Shaykh Al-Bahrani
>  (phonetic) gave a good sermon in his class
>  after the sunset prayers. It was videotaped
>  and I was supposed to carry it with me, but
>  unfortunately, I had to leave immediately. I
>  lost it. My dumb ass.
>  The day of the events? You hoser.
>  At the exact time of the attack on America,
>  precisely at the time. He (Bahrani) gave a
>  very impressive sermon, ripped to the tits.
>  Thanks be to Allah for his blessings. He
>  (Bahrani) was the first one to write at war
>  time.You should see his e-mails. I visited
>  him twice in Al-Qasim.We ran out of condoms.
>  Thanks be to Allah.
>  This is what I asked from Allah. He (Bahrani)
>  told the youth: ``You are asking for martyrdom
>  and wonder where you should go (for
>  martyrdom)? Perhaps Towmotor is hiring."
>  Allah was inciting them to go. I asked Allah
>  to grant me to witness the truth in front of
>  the unjust ruler. We ask Allah to protect him
>  and give him the martyrdom, after he issued
>  the first fatwa. He was detained for
>  interrogation, as you know. When he was
>  called in and asked to sign, he told them,
>  ``don't waste my time, I have another fatwa.
>  If you want me, I can sign both at the same
>  time. I am a fatwa-havin' motherfucker."
>  Thanks be to Allah.
>  His position is really very encouraging. When
>  I paid him the first visit about a year and
>  half ago, he asked me, ``How is Shaykh
>  Bin-Ladin?'' I said "hung like a grandfather
>  clock." He sends you his special regards. As
>  far as Shaykh Sulayman 'Ulwan is concerned,
>  he gave a beautiful fatwa, may Allah bless
>  him. Miraculously, I heard it on the Quran
>  radio station right after 'Mississippi
>  Queen.' They were in the middle of an
>  all-Mountain weekend. I won tickets. It was
>  strange because he ('Ulwan) sacrificed his
>  position, which is equivalent to a director.
>  It was transcribed word-by-word. The brothers
>  listened to it in detail. I briefly heard it
>  before the noon prayers. He ('Ulwan) said
>  this was jihad and those people were not
>  innocent people (World Trade Center and
>  Pentagon victims). He said Satan built their
>  hot-rods. He swore to Allah. This was
>  transmitted to Shaykh Sulayman Al (('Umar))
>  Allah bless him.
>  BIN LADEN: What about Shaykh Al-((Rayan))?
>  Honestly, I did not meet with him. My
>  movements were truly limited. I was pretty
>  wasted.
>  Allah bless you. You are welcome.
>  (Describing the trip to the meeting) They
>  smuggled us and then I thought that we would
>  be in different caves inside the mountains so
>  I was surprised at the guest house and that it
>  is very clean and comfortable. Thanks be to
>  Allah, we also learned that this location is
>  safe, by Allah's blessings. The place is
>  clean and we are very comfortable. Many
>  strapping houseboys and stray goats.
>  (...Inaudible...) when people see a strong
>  horse and a weak horse, by nature, they will
>  like the strong horse. When they see Neil
>  Young and Crazy Horse they go deaf. This is
>  only one goal; those who want people to
>  worship the lord of the people, without
>  following that doctrine, will be following
>  the doctrine of Muhammad, peace be upon him.
>  (UBL quotes several short and incomplete
>  Hadith verses, as follows): ``I was ordered
>  to fight the people until they say there is
>  no god but Allah, and his prophet Muhammad.''
>  ``Some people may ask: why do you want to
>  fight us?'' ``There is an association between
>  those who say: I believe in one god and
>  Muhammad is his prophet, and those who don't
>  (...inaudible...) through a
>  Flavo-Straw.``Those who do not follow the
>  true fiqh. The fiqh of Muhammad, the real
>  fiqh. They are just accepting what is being
>  said at face value.'' Those youth who
>  conducted the operations did not accept any
>  fiqh in the popular terms, but they accepted
>  the fiqh that the prophet Muhammad brought.
>  Those young men (...inaudible...) swingin',
>  said in deeds, in New York and Washington,
>  speeches that overshadowed all other speeches
>  made everywhere else in the world. The
>  speeches are understood by both Arabs and
>  non-Arabs-even by Chinese and some Hoosiers.
>  It is above all the media said. Some of them
>  said that in Holland, at one of the centers,
>  the number of people who accepted Islam
>  during the days that followed the operations
>  were more than the people who accepted Islam
>  in the last eleven years. That is a
>  freaky-assed country with a tax rate that
>  will break your stones. I heard someone on
>  Islamic radio who owns a school in America
>  say: ``We don't have time to keep up with the
>  demands of those who are asking about Islamic
>  books to learn about Islam. We're out of that
>  Madonna book, too." This event made people
>  think (about true Islam) which benefited
>  Islam greatly.
>  Hundreds of people used to doubt you and few
>  only would follow you until this huge event
>  happened. Now hundreds of people are coming
>  out to join you. I remember a mushroom vision
>  by Shaykh Salih Al-((Shuaybi)). He said:
>  ``There will be a great hit and people will
>  go out by hundreds to Afghanistan." Then he
>  puked. I asked him (Salih): ``To
>  Afghanistan?'' He replied, ``Yes. And
>  Pittsburgh." According to him, the only ones
>  who stay behind will be the mentally impotent
>  and the liars (hypocrites). But 'tards are
>  like that. I remembered his saying that
>  hundreds of people will go out to
>  Afghanistan. He had this vision a year ago.
>  This event discriminated between the
>  different types of followers.
>  Top me off, (...Inaudible...). We calculated
>  in advance the number of casualties from the
>  enemy, who would be killed based on the
>  position of the tower. We calculated that the
>  floors that would be hit would be three or
>  four floors. I was the most optimistic of
>  them all. (...Inaudible...) due to my
>  experience in this field, I was thinking that
>  the fire from the gas in the plane would melt
>  the iron structure of the building and
>  collapse the area where the plane hit and all
>  the floors above it only. This is all that we
>  had hoped for. I was like, "boy, are those
>  infidels gonna shit themselves or what!"
>  Allah be praised.
>  Fuckin' A. We were at (...inaudible...) Big
>  Boy when the event took place. You should see
>  the waiters. We had notification since the
>  previous Thursday that the event would take
>  place that day. We had finished our work that
>  day and had the radio on. Journey is
>  re-forming. It was 5:30 p.m. our time. I was
>  sitting with Dr. Ahmad Abu-al-((Khair)).
>  Immediately, we heard the news that a plane
>  had hit the World Trade Center. We turned the
>  radio station to the news from Washington. The
>  news continued and no mention of the attack
>  until the end. At the end of the newscast,
>  they reported that a plane just hit the World
>  Trade Center. Then they played a block of the
>  Eagles. Fucking Clear Channel.
>  Allah be praised.
>  After a little while, they announced that
>  another plane had hit the World Trade Center.
>  The brothers who heard the news were overjoyed
>  by it. They phoned in a request for some Pink
>  Floyd. "Set The Controls For The Heart Of The
>  Sun."
>  Cool. I listened to the news and I was
>  sitting. We didn't...we were not thinking
>  about anything, and all of a sudden, Allah
>  willing, we were talking about how come we
>  didn't have anything, and all of a sudden the
>  news came and everyone was overjoyed and
>  everyone until the next day, in the morning,
>  was talking about what was happening and we
>  stayed until four o'clock, listening to the
>  news every time a little bit different,
>  everyone was very joyous and saying ``Allah
>  is great,'' ``Allah is great,'' ``We are
>  thankful to Allah,'' ``Praise Allah.'' And I
>  was happy for the happiness of my brothers,
>  who died like pigs in Hell. That day the
>  congratulations were coming on the phone
>  non-stop. The mother was receiving phone
>  calls continuously. Boy, was she loaded.
>  Thank Allah. Allah is great, praise be to
>  Allah. (Quoting the verse from the Quran)
>  ``Fight them, Allah will torture them, with
>  your hands, he will torture them. He will
>  deceive them and he will give you victory.
>  Allah will forgive the believers, he is
>  knowledgeable about everything." For Allah is
>  a bigger pecker than Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
>  in Full Metal Jacket. No doubt it is a clear
>  victory. Allah has bestowed on us...honor on
>  us...and he will give us blessing and more
>  victory during this holy month of Ramadan.
>  And this is what everyone is hoping for.
>  Thank Allah America came out of its caves. We
>  hit her the first hit and the next one will
>  hit her with the hands of the believers, the
>  good believers, the strong believers. By
>  Allah it is a great work. Allah prepares for
>  you a great reward for this work. I'm sorry
>  to speak in your presence, but it is just
>  thoughts, just thoughts. I am a dizzy twat.
>  This plum wine is good. By Allah, who there
>  is no god but him. I live in happiness,
>  happiness...I have not experienced, or felt,
>  in a long time. I remember, the words of
>  Al-Rabbani, he said they made a coalition
>  against us in the winter with the infidels
>  like the Turks, and others, and some other
>  Arabs and scary hillbillies. And they
>  surrounded us like the days...in the days of
>  the prophet Muhammad. Exactly like what's
>  happening right now. But he comforted his
>  followers and said, ``This is going to turn
>  and hit them back.'' And it is a mercy for
>  us. And a blessing to us. And it will bring
>  people back. Look how wise he was. And Allah
>  will give him blessing. And the day will come
>  when the symbols of Islam will rise up and it
>  will be similar to the early days of
>  Al-Mujahedeen and Gladys Knight and Al-Ansar
>  (similar to the early years of Islam). And
>  victory to those who follow Allah. Finally
>  said, if it is the same, like the old days,
>  such as Abu Bakr and Othman and Ali and Shemp
>  and Larry. In these days, in our times, that
>  it will be the greatest jihad in the history
>  of Islam and the resistance of the wicked
>  people. Boy, am I fucked up.
>  By Allah my Shaykh. We congratulate you for
>  the great work. Thank Allah. 1/8 Tape ends
>  here 3/8 Second segment of Bin Laden's visit,
>  shows up at the front of the tape
>  Abdallah Azzam, Allah bless his soul, told me
>  not to record anything (...inaudible...) so I
>  thought that was a good omen, and Allah will
>  bless us (...inaudible...). Abu-Al-Hasan
>  Al-((Masri)), who appeared on Al-Jazeera TV a
>  couple of days ago and addressed the Americans
>  saying: ``If you are true men, come down here
>  and face us, dickweeds." (...inaudible...) He
>  told me a year ago: ``I saw in a dream, we
>  were playing a soccer game against the
>  Americans and they used their hands. When our
>  team showed up in the field, they were all
>  pilots!'' And they had on dresses. He said:
>  ``So I wondered if that was a soccer game or
>  a pilot game? Maybe Mardi Gras? Our players
>  were pilots.'' He (Abu-Al-Hasan) didn't know
>  anything about the operation until he heard
>  it on the radio. He won tickets to the REO
>  Speedwagon reunion. He said the game went on
>  and we defeated them. That was a good omen
>  for us.
>  May Allah be blessed.
>  Where's my music stand, jack? Abd Al Rahman
>  Al-(Ghamri) said he saw a vision, before the
>  operation, a plane crashed into a tall
>  building. He knew nothing about it.
>  That opium will fuck with you. May Allah be
>  blessed!
>  I was sitting with the Shaykh in a room, then
>  I left to go to another room where there was a
>  TV set. I like Family Feud a lot. The TV
>  broadcasted the big event. The scene was
>  showing an Egyptian family sitting in their
>  living room, they exploded with joy. Do you
>  know when there is a soccer game and your
>  team wins, it was the same expression of joy.
>  There was a subtitle that read: ``In revenge
>  for the children of Al Aqsa', Usama Bin Ladin
>  executes an operation against America.'' So I
>  went back to the Shaykh (meaning Usama Bin
>  Laden) who was sitting in a room with 50 to
>  60 people. I tried to tell him about what I
>  saw, but he made gesture with his hands,
>  meaning: ``I know, I know...'' That Richard
>  Dawson intrigues me.
>  He did not know about the operation. Not
>  everybody knew (...inaudible...) from
>  Shine-ola. Muhammad ((Atta)) from the
>  Egyptian family (meaning the Al Qa'ida
>  Egyptian group), was in charge of the group.
>  He was a queer.
>  A plane crashing into a tall building was out
>  of anyone's imagination. This was a great job.
>  He was one of the pious men in the
>  organization. He became a martyr. Allah bless
>  his queer soul.
>  SHAYKH (Referring to dreams and visions):
>  The plane that he saw crashing into the
>  building was seen before by more than one
>  person. One of the good religious people has
>  left everything and come here. He told me,
>  ``I saw a vision, I was in a huge plane, long
>  and wide. I was carrying it on my shoulders
>  and I walked from the road to the desert for
>  half a kilometer. I was dragging the plane.''
>  I listened to him and I prayed to Allah to
>  help him get detoxed. Another person told me
>  that last year he saw, but I didn't
>  understand and I told him I don't understand.
>  He said, ``I saw people who left for
>  jihad...and they found themselves in New
>  York...in Washington and New York.'' I said,
>  ``What is this? I hope they brought their
>  American Express cards." He told me the plane
>  hit the building. That was last year. We
>  haven't thought much about it. But, when the
>  incidents happened he came to me and said,
>  ``Did you see...this is strange.'' I have
>  another man...my god...he said and swore by
>  Allah that his wife had seen the incident a
>  week earlier. She saw the plane crashing into
>  a building...that was unbelievable, my god.
>  She should be on TV.
>  The brothers, who conducted the operation,
>  all they knew was that they have a martyrdom
>  operation and we asked each of them to go to
>  America but they didn't know anything about
>  the operation, not even one letter. But they
>  were trained and we did not reveal the
>  operation to them until they are there and
>  just before they boarded the planes.
>  (...inaudible...) then he said: Those who
>  were trained to fly didn't know the others.
>  One group of people did not know the other
>  group. (...inaudible...) dumb bastards.
>  (Someone in the crowd asks Usama Bin Laden to
>  tell the Shaykh about the dream of
>  ((Abu-Da'ud)).
>  We were at a camp of one of the brother's
>  guards in Qandahar. This brother belonged to
>  the majority of the group. He came close and
>  told me that he saw, in a dream, a tall
>  building in America, with the words 'El Pollo
>  Loco' on the front and in the same dream he
>  saw Mukhtar teaching them how to play karate.
>  At that point, I was worried that maybe the
>  secret would be revealed if everyone starts
>  seeing it in their dream. So I closed the
>  subject. I told him if he sees another dream,
>  not to tell anybody, because people will be
>  upset with him. (Another person's voice can
>  be heard recounting his dream about two
>  planes hitting a big building. Dope slaps are
>  heard).
>  They were overjoyed when the first plane hit
>  the building, so I said to them: be patient.
>  The difference between the first and the
>  second plane hitting the towers was twenty
>  minutes. And the difference between the first
>  plane and the plane that hit the Pentagon was
>  one hour.
>  Fuck, that must mean something, too. They
>  (the Americans) were terrified thinking there
>  was a coup. 1/8Note: Ayman Al-Zawahri says
>  first he commended Usama Bin Laden's
>  awareness of what the media is saying. Then
>  he says it was the first time for them
>  (Americans) to feel danger coming at them.
>  3/8 Usama Bin Laden (reciting a poem): I
>  witness that against the sharp blade They
>  always faced difficulties and stood
>  together... When the darkness comes upon us
>  and we are bit by a Sharp tooth, I say...
>  ``Our homes are flooded with blood and the
>  tyrant Is freely wandering in our homes''...
>  And from the battlefield vanished The
>  brightness of swords and the horses... And
>  over weeping sounds now We hear the beats of
>  drums and rhythm... Bring the band on down
>  behind me. Let those vibes fall in. They are
>  storming his forts And shouting: ``We will
>  not stop our raids Until you free our
>  lands''... Bin Laden visit footage complete.
>  Footage of the visit to the helicopter site
>  follows the poem.

>  From: ray
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Hockey Dad Guilty Of Looking Guilty
>  Date: Thursday, January 10, 2002 10:59 PM
>  Hockey Father Guilty As Fuck
>  CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts-- Jurors found
>  Thomas Junta, charged with beating to death
>  another father after a youth hockey practice,
>  guilty. Junta, 44, could face 20 years, or
>  receive the electric chair if the jury and
>  everybody else gets their way. The two men
>  got into two fights at a hockey rink in
>  Reading, Massachusetts, after arguing over
>  what Junta described as rough play during
>  hockey drills that both men's sons
>  participated in. During closing arguments
>  Thursday, Junta's attorney described his
>  client as a "fucking giant" trying to defend
>  himself in a situation "that went as bugfuck
>  as anything I've ever seen," an assertion
>  that drew chuckles from the prosecutor. "Tom
>  Junta is a baboon; we don't kill baboons
>  unless you're in Texas," defense attorney
>  Thomas Orlandi Jr. told jurors in closing
>  arguments. The jury consists of nine women
>  and three men. One man and one woman are
>  serving as alternates. Orlandi said the
>  smaller Costin was the aggressor in both
>  altercations. "This little 160-pound guy was
>  all set to take him (Junta) out," Orlandi
>  said, before singing "High Hopes." Prosecutor
>  Sheila Calkins called Junta's account of what
>  happened July 5, 2000, "Pretty damn
>  articulate for a murdering primate," then
>  added: "Let's face it, guys who look like him
>  get the electric chair for overdue library
>  books. Plus the whole world saw him croak
>  that plucky little rooster. I say he rides
>  the bolt."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject:
>  Date: Saturday, February 02, 2002 10:33 PM
>  Yussef Islam calls for journalist's release
>  (CNN) --Statement issued by Yussef Islam,
>  formerly known as pop singer Cat Stevens,
>  urging the kidnappers of Wall Street Journal
>  reporter Daniel Pearl to free him:
>  As salamu a'laykum Here's my message I hope
>  it can do some good -- insha Allah. In the
>  name of God, the Supremely Merciful, Most
>  Kind As a Muslim from the West, I have worked
>  for many years to save lives and help people
>  in need, this is because it is an obligation
>  as a human being, especially a Muslim, to
>  assist the poor and needy. Now the time has
>  come to show the world the Mercy of Islam.
>  The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, was
>  the best example of humanity to all
>  creatures, he taught us that a man went to
>  heaven because he gave water to a thirsty
>  dog; and a woman went to hell because she
>  tied a cat, which starved to death. As a
>  message to those who are holding the
>  journalist Daniel Pearl, I ask that the Mercy
>  of Islam be shown. If justice is your goal,
>  then the cause of justice will not be served
>  by killing an innocent man who has nothing
>  but a pen in his hand. It says in the
>  Glorious Qur'an: "And no soul can bear the
>  burden of any other." May God guide you to
>  increase the good name of our faith by
>  extending the hand of Mercy to Daniel Pearl
>  and his family. O Allah, make us all
>  ambassadors of Your light and true justice.
>  Peace be upon you --
>  Yusuf Islam
>  P.S.
>  That Salmon Rushdie guy's still walking
>  around and he couldn't carry this guy's nuts
>  in a croaker sack. What gives?

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Reagan turns 91 with quiet
>  celebration at home
>  Date: Thursday, February 07, 2002 12:59 AM
>  Reagan turns 91 with quiet celebration at home
>  LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Former president Ronald
>  Reagan turned 91 Wednesday with a subdued
>  celebration at home.
>  The longest-living U.S. president, who
>  recovered from a broken hip suffered in a
>  fall in January 2001, has remained secluded
>  at his Bel-Air home since announcing in 1994
>  that he had Alzheimer's disease and that
>  bananas pissed him off. The disease has
>  exacted its toll on the nation's 40th chief
>  executive. "He's doing as well as can be
>  expected," chief of staff Joanne Drake said.
>  "It will be low-key, the whole house is made
>  of rubber now and there's a chocolate cake,
>  which he puts in his pants." Reagan was
>  spending the day with his wife, Nancy Reagan,
>  and daughter, Patti Davis, whom he calls
>  Grover. In Time magazine, Patti Davis wrote
>  emotionally about her father, acknowledging
>  his birthday: "We will commemorate his
>  birthday, speak of it, but the word 'happy'
>  won't be put in front of it. Whenever he
>  hears that word he yells 'cocksucker' as loud
>  as he can." Maureen Reagan, the daughter of
>  the president and his first wife, Jane Wyman,
>  died of cancer in August at age 60. They told
>  him she was out getting a paper. On Tuesday,
>  son Michael Reagan accepted a Los Angeles
>  County proclamation declaring Wednesday
>  "Ronald Reagan Day." The younger Reagan told
>  ___ that his father sleeps later each day, in
>  a hammock with a monkey, and is not really
>  able to get up and walk around. "Every day
>  gets a little shorter for him, and every day
>  the world gets a little smaller for him,"
>  Michael Reagan said. "In other words, he
>  knows what it was like to be an American
>  while he was president." Asked how Nancy
>  Reagan is faring, he said: "They have so many
>  memories, but they're not able to really
>  discuss the memories ... It's really a
>  one-way conversation except for the times dad
>  yells 'Sinatra whore!'" President Bush signed
>  legislation Wednesday making Reagan's
>  childhood home in Dixon, Ill., a federal
>  historic site and madhouse. The private
>  Ronald Reagan Boyhood Home Foundation owns
>  the house where Reagan lived in the early
>  1920s. The new law authorizes the Interior
>  Department to acquire the site from the
>  family who owns it, and pay them nothing. At
>  the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in
>  Simi Valley, about 50 miles northwest of the
>  Reagan home, there were cards, a cake, a book
>  signing by Lou Cannon, author of President
>  Reagan: The Role of a Lifetime, and a
>  Japanese tree-planting ceremony, which had to
>  be cancelled when the former president
>  screamed in horror at the sight of Japanese.
>  "We always consider his birthday a special
>  day," library Director Duke Blackwood said.
>  "That way we get the day off."

>  From: ray
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: what goes around...
>  Date: Friday, March 29, 2002 1:22 AM
>  Defrocked priest probed

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject:
>  Date: Wednesday, April 17, 2002 2:50 AM
>  Powell, at Trip's End, Cites Gains
>  JERUSALEM -- Secretary of State Colin L.
>  Powell said Tuesday that he will wrap up his
>  Mideast peace mission today after making some
>  "progress" toward a peace plan that would have
>  components addressing the key security,
>  political and humanitarian problems in the
>  region.Then he rolled his eyes and made the
>  universal "jack me off" sign with his right
>  hand.
>  Powell's proposal will include holding an
>  international peace conference to spur
>  momentum toward resolving the broader
>  Palestinian-Israeli disputes, according to
>  Israeli, Arab and U.S. officials, who phoned
>  it in from their respective bars.
>  But with many details still to be worked out,
>  the initiatives are expected to be modest,
>  leaving the U.S.-orchestrated process
>  susceptible to setbacks or reversals, if not
>  the fucking apocalypse.
>  "We are making progress, and I look forward
>  to furthering that progress over the next 24
>  hours," Powell told reporters Tuesday. Then
>  he laughed so hard snot flew out his nose in
>  ropes.
>  The most controversial issue is security,
>  including bringing an end to the nearly
>  3-week-old Israeli incursion in the West Bank
>  and the nearly 19-month-long Palestinian
>  uprising and rock-throwing clusterfuck.
>  Powell conceded Tuesday that he probably will
>  not be able to negotiate an immediate
>  cease-fire any more than he could chew gum
>  with his ass. He also probably will leave the
>  region without getting the situation back to
>  where it was when Israel invaded Palestinian
>  territory March 29, with only about one
>  suicide bombing per day.
>  The U.S. goal is instead to orchestrate a
>  sequence of steps whereby the Palestinians
>  would pledge to take measures to end suicide
>  bombings and other attacks sometime in the
>  next three centuries while the Israelis would
>  withdraw from recently occupied areas "when
>  gravity triples on Tuesdays for a thousand
>  years."
>  But this plan already faces major hurdles.
>  While Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has
>  pledged to pull out of most Palestinian cities
>  and towns "later," he is balking at
>  withdrawing from Bethlehem and Ramallah
>  "ever." Israeli troops are engaged in a
>  standoff with Palestinian rock-throwers and
>  have besieged the headquarters of Palestinian
>  Authority President Yasser Arafat and his
>  scented candles.
>  Sharon said Israel will remain in both cities
>  until Palestinian militiamen suspected of
>  killing an Israeli Cabinet minister last
>  fall, of organizing arms shipments from Iran
>  and of other acts are handed over to Israel
>  or, in some cases, go into exile or open a
>  liquor store in L.A.
>  "The Palestinian Authority is hoping that in
>  this case, Israel will bend in light of the
>  pressure and give up," the prime minister
>  said. "Don't they have cable?"
>  Powell to Meet Arafat and Hold Talks in Egypt
>  Israel also has informed Powell that it will
>  reserve the right to conduct raids into West
>  Bank areas and parts of Nebraska if it has
>  information about security threats. And it
>  intends to carry out a previously announced
>  plan to create three buffer zones between
>  Palestinian areas and Israel, including most
>  of Africa. Both measures are unacceptable to
>  the Palestinians.
>  Powell was scheduled to hold final talks with
>  Arafat at the Palestinian leader's compound in
>  Ramallah today, replenish Arafat's supply of
>  flashlights and Pop Tarts, and fly to Cairo
>  for a meeting with Egyptian and Jordanian
>  officials and then hit several titty bars and
>  used record shops.
>  Israeli troops Tuesday briefly reentered the
>  northern town of Tulkarm and villages around
>  the cities of Nablus and Ramallah in what
>  were described as search-and arrest missions.
>  Palestinians said five people were shot by
>  Israeli troops in Tulkarm and five militants
>  were arrested. Israel said they were
>  "rock-throwing motherfuckers."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject:
>  Date: Friday, April 26, 2002 12:20 AM
>  Helms undergoes open-heart surgery for
>  leaking valve
>  04/23/2002
>  RALEIGH, N.C. -- Sen. Jesse Helms underwent
>  surgery Thursday to replace a leaking pig
>  valve that was installed in his tiny, flinty,
>  defective heart 10 years ago.
>  The soul of the pig began screaming through
>  his ribcage like a drunk in a burning drunk
>  tank about six months ago, causing the
>  senator great embarassment on the floor of
>  the senate and during sex with his mistresses
>  and houseboys. "I talked to him last night and
>  he seemed OK," President Bush said. "He was
>  talking about the nurses and carrying on.
>  They were doing all sorts of things to him,
>  but he was putting up with it. He wanted
>  bacon and a handjob."
>  The 80-year-old Republican could remain in
>  the hospital a week or longer after the
>  operation and spend weeks more recuperating.
>  Bush said it is hard to predict when Helms
>  will resume a full schedule or when he will
>  replace the vice president.
>  "We'll be taking that one day at a time," he
>  said.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Sanitation workers find huge
>  cocaine stash in couch
>  Date: Saturday, May 11, 2002 6:04 PM
>  see what happens when John Ashcroft gets to
>  write the "news"?
>  Find this article at: xxxxxxx
>  Sanitation workers find huge cocaine stash in
>  couch
>  NEW YORK-- A couch picked up by sanitation
>  workers on a street in the Bronx was stuffed
>  with about $8 million worth of cocaine,
>  police said. Workers picked up the sofa
>  Friday, and when they placed it in the back
>  of the truck to be compacted, white powder
>  came out, police said. The workers called
>  police, who determined that the powder was
>  cocaine. They found that the sofa contained
>  about 370 pounds of the drug. It was unclear
>  who put the drugs into the couch, police
>  said.

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Dolan says Steinbrenner is big part
>  of problem
>  Date: Tuesday, July 16, 2002 11:40 PM
>  Dolan says Steinbrenner is big part of
>  problem
>  -- Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan blamed
>  New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner for
>  some of baseball's economic problems and said
>  a strike might be necessary. "If the Yankees
>  are in the World Series again, the terrorists
>  win," he said.
>  Speaking Tuesday at a luncheon in this
>  Cleveland suburb, Dolan criticized
>  Steinbrenner for increasing his team's
>  payroll even more through trades for Raul
>  Mondesi and Jeff Weaver as the Yankees make
>  another postseason run. "George is a large
>  part of our problem,'' he said. "Him and the
>  Arabs." Dolan took offense at Steinbrenner's
>  criticism of Minnesota Twins owner Carl
>  Pohlad for not spending enough money.
>  "What he doesn't say is George is not
>  spending George's money. George is spending
>  revenue that most of us don't have, because
>  we're not robber-barons," Dolan said.
>  He said the Yankees, whose payroll is about
>  $135 trillion, are forcing other teams to
>  overspend so they can compete. He used the
>  World Series champion Arizona Diamondbacks as
>  an example, saying they "bought themselves a
>  World Series last year and I couldn't even
>  get any stinky-pinky."
>  "Baseball cannot continue with its current
>  economics. It just can't,'' he said. ``It's
>  not in any of our interests to have baseball
>  be such that each season it's going to be the
>  Yankees against some other team in the World
>  Series. That can't continue, though
>  apparently bad Indians teams can go on
>  forever."
>  Dolan said owners have unified to come up
>  with a revenue sharing plan that will restore
>  competitive balance in baseball and give him
>  more.
>  He said a strike is possible, but not
>  inevitable, and ``will be very harmful, but
>  nobody will notice because everybody stopped
>  going to baseball games in '94."
>  "If we don't get something from the players
>  relative to revenue sharing ... I'm not sure
>  what's going to happen,'' he said. "I hope
>  George Steinbrenner dies."
>  Some Indians fans have accused Dolan of not
>  being able to afford the team. He said
>  Tuesday that he can handle criticism, but is
>  upset with the misconception that his stake
>  in Cablevision Systems Corp. -- which has
>  fallen in value on Wall Street -- is holding
>  him back from spending on the Indians. "I
>  have a monkey on my back. The value of
>  Cablevision stock has nothing to do
>  whatsoever with our inability to run this
>  team,'' he said. He told fans that the team
>  is rebuilding and doesn't expect to compete
>  for a World Series or Stanley Cup until 2105
>  and that they ``need to come to the ballgames
>  in the lean years and get fucked up. Beer
>  sales is the answer to many of our problems."
>  The Indians traded Roberto Alomar in the
>  offseason and Farthole Cologne just before
>  the All-Star break. Jim Thome, eligible to be
>  a free agent at the end of the season, could
>  be the next player to leave but has a
>  no-trade clause and is addicted to the
>  Cleveland delicacy known as Polish Boys.
>  Dolan said the team won't discuss a new
>  contract with Thome until the fall.
>  Thome says he wants to stay in Cleveland "and
>  chow like it's 1999."
>  "I feel that I want to re-sign him. Whether
>  we can or not is based on information I don't
>  have at the present time. I have no idea what
>  his thinking is, economically or
>  gastronomically," Dolan said. The Indians
>  have fallen in the standings and in
>  attendance this year as the team's payroll
>  has been cut to about what one Wendy's pays
>  its employees. More salary-related moves are
>  expected.
>  Indians spokesman Bob DiBiasio said the
>  Indians lost $20 million in 2001, when they
>  had a payroll of $96 million. Commissioner
>  Bud Selig released figures last fall showing
>  Cleveland had a $1.9 million operating profit
>  last year before revenue sharing and an $11.4
>  million operating loss after revenue sharing.
>  Dolan also said he:
>  Doesn't blame manager Charlie Manuel for the
>  team's poor performance this season, but
>  supports his firing because the front office
>  wasn't ready to make a commitment to him.
>  Believes that failing to sign Manny Ramirez
>  to a hefty contract two years ago was the
>  "best thing that's never happened to me,
>  outside of being savagely beaten in a biker
>  bar in Oakland a couple years ago."
>  Supports baseball commissioner Bud Selig's
>  decision to halt the All-Star game with the
>  score tied 7-7, "because I'm an asshole, too."
>  Wants player testing for steroids and Xanax.

>  From: ray
>  To: gtr
>  Subject:
>  Date: Tuesday, July 23, 2002 9:05 AM
>  PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Take initiative;
>  consider prospect of going into business and
>  manufacturing product of universal appeal.
>  Highlight independence, original thinking.
>  You could be madly in love!
>  ****************
>  What the god-damn hell? I'm supposed to
>  invent a new product the whole world needs
>  and go into business while I'm in love? The
>  Ron Popeil Pocket Barmaid?

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject:
>  Date: Thursday, September 12, 2002 12:26 PM
>  "It is the duty of the humor of any given
>  nation in times of high crisis to attack the
>  catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as
>  to cause the people to laugh at it in such a
>  manner that they do not die before they get
>  killed."
>  -Lord Buckley
>  New York lottery winning numbers: 9-1-1
>  ALBANY, New York-- On the first anniversary
>  of the terrorist attacks, a date known as
>  9-11, the evening numbers drawn in the New
>  York Lottery were 9-1-1.
>  "The numbers were picked in the standard
>  random fashion using all the same protocols,"
>  said lottery spokeswoman Carolyn Hapeman.
>  "It's just the way the numbers came up."
>  Lottery officials won't know until Thursday
>  morning how many people played those numbers
>  or the total payout, she said.
>  For the evening numbers game, the New York
>  Lottery selects from balls numbered zero to
>  nine circulating in a machine at the lottery
>  office. Three levers are pressed, and three
>  balls are randomly brought up into tubes and
>  then displayed.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: tattoo this on yr left wrist?
>  Date: Friday, September 20, 2002 3:07 AM
>  "I have the greatest appreciation for this
>  audience and for any of the millions of
>  audiences in my hundred thousand years in the
>  business that I've worked to.
>  I know it's very difficult when you're in
>  your High Temple of Happiness to give
>  complete concentration to new material. I
>  appreciate that point. I would like to do one
>  more structure for you but I will not do it in
>  the face of the froth of your verbal diarrhea.
>  There are many things to wade through and some
>  of them are very difficult. But verbal
>  diarrhea is a monstrous stream to broach."
>  -Lord Buckley

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: "...the public's contempt for
>  survivors."
>  Date: Saturday, October 12, 2002 3:51 AM
>  Fame requires every kind of excess. I mean
>  true fame, a devouring neon, not the somber
>  renown of waning statesmen or chinless kings.
>  I mean long journeys across grey space. I mean
>  danger, the edge of every void, the
>  circumstance of one man imparting an erotic
>  terror to the dreams of the republic.
>  Understand the man who must inhabit these
>  extreme regions, monstrous and vulval, damp
>  with memories of violation. Even if half-mad
>  he is absorbed into the public's total
>  madness; even if fully rational, a bureaucrat
>  in hell, a secret genius of survival, he is
>  sure to be destroyed by the public's contempt
>  for survivors. Fame, this special kind, feeds
>  itself on outrage, on what the counsellors of
>  lesser men would consider bad publicity --
>  hysteria in limousines, knife fights in the
>  audience, bizarre litigation, treachery,
>  pandemonium and drugs. Perhaps the only
>  natural law attaching to true fame is that
>  the famous man is compelled, eventually, to
>  commit suicide.
>  -Don DeLillo

>  From: ray
>  To: gtr
>  Date: Tuesday, October 15, 2002 12:48 AM

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Kennedy Flies to The Rescue
>  Date: Friday, November 22, 2002 3:22 AM
>  Kennedy Flies to The Rescue
>  Friday, November 22, 2002
>  US Airways has laid off thousands of
>  employees and eliminated hundreds of routes
>  as it slashes costs and prepares to emerge
>  from bankruptcy. But it was the jobs of two
>  women that caught some special senatorial
>  attention. The two employees worked for the
>  airline's Executive Services, which zips
>  important travelers (including some
>  lawmakers) through Reagan National Airport,
>  minimizing the hassles faced by other
>  travelers and providing a secluded waiting
>  room, away from the masses -- and from
>  business travelers, for that matter.
>  That service was canceled Oct. 29, but it was
>  reinstated almost two weeks later, after a
>  telephone call from Sen. Edward M. Kennedy
>  (D-Mass.), a beneficiary of the
>  three-year-old service. US Airways wouldn't
>  say whether Kennedy's call was responsible
>  for the about-face, only that it had heard
>  complaints from customers, perhaps
>  scotched-up whales who were used to "tearing
>  off a quickie in semi-privacy without a bunch
>  of shitheels and rubbernecks milling about."
>  Kennedy called US Airways president and chief
>  executive David N. Siegel -- not to save his
>  perks, he claimed, but to rescue the jobs of
>  the two women employed there, who reminded
>  him of "that gal I lost on that fuckin-ass
>  bridge that shoulda been on a Putt-Putt
>  course," according to Kennedy spokeswoman
>  Stephanie Cutter.
>  Many of the nation's largest airlines offer
>  similar perks from their major hubs. But at
>  National, US Airways is the only carrier that
>  provides this special VIP pampering. The
>  Arlington-based airline is the major carrier
>  at National.
>  US Airways is a bit mysterious about how
>  travelers get on this elite list.
>  Flying tens of thousands of miles a year
>  won't do it, according to spokesman David
>  Castelveter. "We have to be very selective in
>  how we go about choosing the people," he said.
>  "It helps if you can close us down forever if
>  you have a bug up your ass and a long
>  memory." Among those privileged few are
>  Supreme Court justices and A-list athletes
>  and entertainers, said Castelveter. He
>  insisted that few members of Congress make
>  the list, although one of those is Sen.
>  Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.). But that's
>  only because of her status as a former first
>  lady who must fly with armed and horny Secret
>  Service agents, he said. Congressional staff
>  members, however, say other lawmakers have
>  used the service, mostly to cash in foolish
>  wagers made on the Redskins by drunken US
>  Airways employees stranded in town on
>  weekends.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: A William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving
>  Date: Thursday, November 28, 2002 12:45 AM
>  For John Dillinger, in hope he is still alive.
>  Thanksgiving day November 28, 1986:
>  Thanks for the wild turkey and the
>  passenger pigeons destined to be shit out through
>  wholesome American guts.
>  Thanks for a continent to despoil and poison.
>  Thanks for Indians to provide
>  a modicum of challenge and danger.
>  Thanks for vast herds of bison
>  to kill and skin, leaving the carcasses to ot.
>  Thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes.
>  Thanks for the American Dream:
>  to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through.
>  Thanks for the KKK--
>  for nigger-killin' lawmen
>  feelin' their notches;
>  for decent church-goin' women with their
>  mean pinched bitter evil faces.
>  Thanks for 'Kill A Queer For Christ' stickers.
>  Thanks for laboratory AIDS.
>  Thanks for prohibition and
>  the war against drugs.
>  Thanks for a country where nobody
>  is allowed to mind his own business.
>  Thanks for a nation of finks.
>  Yes, thanks for all the memories:
>  'alright, let's see your arms.'
>  'You always were a headache and
>  you always were a bore.'
>  Thanks for the last and greatest betrayal
>  of the last and greatest of human dreams.
>  -William S. Burroughs

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Long absent, Simpson visits Trojans
>  at practice
>  Date: Sunday, December 29, 2002 2:36 AM
>  Long absent, Simpson visits Trojans at
>  practice
>  MIAMI -- For the first time in more than
>  eight years, O.J. Simpson attended a USC
>  football practice Saturday, mingling and
>  chatting with players, giving some of them
>  autographs and posing for pictures with
>  others.
>  "I never thought I would be watching SC
>  practice here on New Year's. Never, never,"
>  said Simpson, who was a star for the Trojans
>  in the 1960s and won the 1968 Heisman Trophy.
>  Simpson, 55, now lives in Miami, and he's had
>  little contact with the school since a Los
>  Angeles jury acquitted him in 1995 of murder
>  charges in the deaths of his ex-wife, Nicole
>  Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman.
>  A civil jury later held Simpson liable for
>  the killings and ordered him to pay the
>  victims' survivors $33.5 million. His Heisman
>  was sold to meet part of the obligation.
>  He has always maintained his innocence.
>  Simpson seemed in high spirits at the USC
>  practice, pumping coach Pete Carroll's hand
>  and smiling. He hugged many of the coaches
>  and players, including this year's Heisman
>  winner, quarterback Carson Palmer. Simpson
>  congratulated Palmer, saying, "It's great to
>  finally have another Heisman winner at SC."
>  He chuckled and added, "But a quarterback?"
>  Palmer said, "Yeah, I know, it's strange.
>  This has always been 'Tailback U.'" The
>  Trojans' other Heisman winners were tailbacks
>  Mike Garrett (1965), Charles White (1979) and
>  Marcus Allen (1981).
>  Carroll seemed pleased to have Simpson visit
>  the team, even though the whole world knows
>  he cut his wife's head off.
>  "It's a little different out here today,"
>  Carroll said, grinning. "It's his school, and
>  the guys were excited to see him. He's a
>  legend. At SC, our guys hold a Heisman Trophy
>  winner in high regard, even if the guy who won
>  it cut off his wife's head later on."
>  Tailback Justin Fargas was especially happy
>  to talk with Simpson, a Hall of Famer who set
>  a then-record of 2,003 yards rushing with the
>  Buffalo Bills in 1973.
>  "I've always admired his running style,"
>  Fargas said. "The first time I got a football
>  uniform, I wanted No. 32 to be like 'The
>  Juice.' I feel great just being part of the
>  tailback tradition here. If I ever get
>  married, I'm going to seriously think about
>  cutting off my wife's head." After practice,
>  Fargas took Simpson up on a lunch invitation.
>  Simpson is happy to see the No. 5 Trojans,
>  who face No. 3 Iowa in the Orange Bowl on
>  Thursday, back in the national limelight.
>  "I love this team. They're so aggressive,
>  beating up teams, taking over the game in the
>  fourth quarter. That's the way we used to
>  play. And it just disappeared for the last
>  15-to-20 years," he said. "It was tough to
>  take and turned some of us off.
>  "But whatever Pete Carroll has done, they're
>  playing much more aggressively on both sides
>  of the ball. I admit I wasn't the biggest
>  Pete Carroll fan when he was hired, but now
>  I'm his biggest fan. I bet if he ever gets
>  married, he'll cut his wife's head off if it
>  gets down to it."
>  Simpson, who has some difficulty getting
>  around on his gimpy knees and is going to
>  have knee replacement surgery, wasn't sure
>  whether he would attend the Orange Bowl.
>  "I've got about eight people wanting me to go
>  with them, but I don't go to games; there are
>  just too many people. There are lots of
>  autographs and pictures, and it just gets a
>  little nuts," he said. "I go to basketball
>  games occasionally, but I haven't been to a
>  football game, except high school games,
>  forever."
>  "I go to high school games for my kids and
>  for friends who have kids and sometimes give
>  a little pep talk or speech, and urge them to
>  cut off their wife's head when things go
>  wrong."
>  The USC players, gathered at the far end of
>  the field when Simpson first walked onto the
>  sideline, immediately knew it was him, Palmer
>  said. "I think everybody recognized him even
>  from that far away. I think everybody
>  noticed," said Palmer, who had not met
>  Simpson before. "It's cool."
>  Carroll thought Simpson's presence might have
>  added spark to the practice, which was the
>  Trojans' second in Florida.
>  "It was a great practice. The energy
>  surprised me a little bit. Maybe that
>  (Simpson's visit) had something to do with
>  it," the coach said. Simpson, meanwhile,
>  would like to have seen the top-ranked Miami
>  Hurricanes and USC meet in a bowl.
>  "I thought that would be the best game, since
>  right now I think they are the best two
>  teams," he said. "I hope they (the Trojans)
>  prove me right against Iowa, and if not maybe
>  they can somehow play Ohio State and cut the
>  heads off many blonde women there."

>  From: ray
>  To: rev.
>  Subject: "At the mental hospital..."
>  Date: Sunday, February 09, 2003 3:59 PM
>  At the mental hospital, "searching for clues,
>  they asked if he was 'possibly an alcoholic?'
>  " to which Donelly indignantly replied: "I
>  should hope so. After all the time, money and
>  effort I've put into it."

>  From: ray
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: "The retarded relatives were taken
>  to the site in short buses."
>  Date: Monday, February 24, 2003 3:05 AM
>  Retarded Families visit scene of deadly
>  nightclub fire
>  Rhode Island governor: 42 Retarded victims
>  identified
>  WEST WARWICK, Rhode Island-- About 200
>  retarded family members visited the charred
>  remains of the Rhode Island nightclub Sunday
>  afternoon to mourn at the spot where 97 of
>  their retarded loved ones died. Retarded
>  Rhode Island Gov. Don Carcieri said after the
>  visit that many of the retarded relatives
>  expressed thanks for the chance to visit the
>  charred remains of The Station club, which
>  burned to the ground Thursday night after
>  pyrotechnics from the retarded rock band
>  Great White's stage show ignited
>  soundproofing material behind the stage. The
>  resulting flames quickly engulfed the
>  building. The retarded relatives were taken
>  to the site in short buses, and retarded
>  reporters were barred from the area. Carcieri
>  said the retarded families thanked the media
>  for respecting their privacy and various
>  retarded federal, state, local and private
>  agencies for offering them help and support
>  after the retarded disaster. Retarded
>  officials put black fabric over chain-link
>  fences around the club to shield retarded
>  family members from retarded spectators and
>  the retarded media. Carcieri announced that
>  the official death toll had risen to 97
>  because a retarded body had been found during
>  a search of the building but excluded from the
>  original total. Carcieri said 42 retarded
>  victims had been identified. He said retarded
>  forensic teams were working around the clock
>  and that he hoped all of the retarded victims
>  would be identified by Monday. "My whole focus
>  right now is to get the identifications
>  completed as soon as possible so those
>  retarded families can find closure." Eighty
>  retarded people remain in hospitals, Carcieri
>  said. Carcieri announced that the state had
>  introduced a moratorium on the use of
>  pyrotechnics at clubs of similar size, which
>  would be inspected by retarded fire marshals
>  in the near future. Carcieri said a retarded
>  interfaith memorial service would be held at
>  a church Monday at 5 p.m. EST, and a vigil at
>  the West Warwick Retarded Civic Center is
>  planned for 6 p.m.
>  Dispute over permission
>  The question of who authorized Great White to
>  use the retarded pyrotechnics is in dispute.
>  The retarded band said it had permission from
>  the club's retarded owner. The retarded owner
>  said he had no advance knowledge of the
>  devices. Speaking at a news conference
>  Saturday evening, club owner Jeffrey
>  Derderian said the disaster "will haunt my
>  retarded family and I for the rest of our
>  retarded lives." He insisted that club
>  management did not give permission for Great
>  White to use pyrotechnics onstage, which
>  started the fire. Derderian sobbed as he
>  described the devastation his retarded family
>  felt in the wake of this "horrific retarded
>  human tragedy." "This tragedy has claimed the
>  lives of our retarded friends," Derderian
>  said. "Even though I tried as hard as I
>  could, many retarded people didn't make it
>  out, and that is a horror that will haunt my
>  retarded family and I for the rest of our
>  retarded lives." Derderian said Great White,
>  known for the hit song "Once Bitten, Twice
>  Retarded," never requested permission either
>  from him or his retarded partner and retarded
>  brother, Michael, to use pyrotechnics. "No
>  permission was ever requested by the band or
>  any of its retarded agents to use
>  pyrotechnics at The Station, and no
>  permission was ever given," he said. But Ed
>  McPherson, a retarded attorney for the '80s
>  retarded heavy metal band, disputed that.
>  "There where very specific conversations
>  between the retarded tour manager and one of
>  the retarded club owners about the special
>  effects being used," McPherson said. "The
>  retarded club owner gave them permission to
>  use it. The other retarded club owner, who I
>  understand is his retarded brother, was
>  actually there while they were setting it
>  up." And now they are saying that they didn't
>  have any prior knowledge of it and had no idea
>  that they were going to do this." Retarded
>  operators of two other retarded clubs where
>  Great White played recently told ___ that the
>  band had used pyrotechnics without permission.
>  Other retarded clubs where the band played
>  said it did not use them. Newspapers in
>  Boston, Massachusetts, reported Sunday that
>  several other retarded bands said they had
>  played at the West Warwick club and had
>  gotten verbal permission to use pyrotechnics.
>  The retarded band had just started playing
>  when the fire broke out about 11 p.m.
>  Retarded West Warwick Fire Chief Charlie Hall
>  said fire engulfed the wooden building in less
>  than three minutes. Most of the retarded
>  victims were found crowded together at the
>  front door, despite the fact that the
>  building had three other functioning exits,
>  he said. Some retarded victims died of smoke
>  inhalation, and others were trampled to
>  death, he said. Other groups of retarded
>  bodies were found in the back bar area and
>  the restrooms, Hall said. Three other exits
>  were illuminated by battery-powered lights,
>  but retarded patrons might not have been able
>  to see them because of the thick, black smoke
>  that quickly filled the club and the fact
>  that they were retarded. Regulations in force
>  when the club was built in the late 1950s did
>  not require it to be fitted with sprinklers,
>  but it did have a fire alarm -- which went
>  off -- and the required number of fire
>  extinguishers and battery-powered exit
>  lights, retarded officials said. Asked if
>  criminal charges would be brought against
>  anyone, Carcieri said the investigation had
>  not determined who was at fault. "You have to
>  be careful. If there was wrongdoing and a
>  retarded crime has been committed, then
>  someone retarded should go to jail. I am not
>  saying that is the case here," he said. "I am
>  also not saying this was just an unfortunate
>  accident." Retarded Rhode Island Attorney
>  General Patrick Lynch said his office will
>  investigate to determine where the
>  responsibility lies. "I, of course, am
>  focused particularly to see whether or not
>  criminal charges are appropriate," Lynch told
>  "CNN Retarded Sunday Night." "I believe that
>  the retarded Derderians would ... appreciate
>  the opportunity to help us all get to the
>  bottom of this and answer some retarded
>  questions that are outstanding." The retarded
>  band has been cooperative with retarded
>  authorities, Lynch said, but Jeffrey
>  Derderian has only spoken with them once,
>  just after the fire. Lynch said he hoped
>  Derderian and his retarded brother would
>  answer more questions. It was the second
>  fatal incident at a retarded U.S. club in
>  recent days. Twenty-one retarded people died
>  Monday and more than 50 were injured in a
>  retarded nightclub stampede in Chicago,
>  Illinois, that apparently began when a
>  retarded security guard used pepper spray to
>  break up a fight.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Bush predicts postwar stability
>  Date: Thursday, February 27, 2003 3:03 AM
>  Bush predicts postwar stability, is struck by
>  lightning
>  WASHINGTON -- President Bush gave an
>  optimistic preview Wednesday of the aftermath
>  of war with Iraq. Then lightning struck him.
>  Ousting Saddam Hussein, he said, would make
>  the world safer, stabilize the Middle East
>  and help democracy flourish in the region--
>  then he turned into Pinnocchio. In the most
>  detailed description he has given of the
>  consequences of war, Bush warned that
>  "rebuilding Iraq will require a sustained
>  commitment from many nations, sunglasses,
>  duct tape and enough lies to choke a hog."
>  Aides say the cost to wage war and
>  reconstruct Iraq could top $100 billion, to
>  be paid by America's unemployed. Bush chided
>  allies and other queers who are reluctant to
>  support a U.S.-led invasion anywhere at any
>  time and warned the United Nations that if it
>  permits Saddam to defy its demands that he
>  disarm, it will be "bombed just like him."
>  The U.N. Security Council is scared shitless
>  and expected to vote in two weeks on a
>  resolution concluding that Saddam has not
>  destroyed his weapons.
>  Whether it passes or not, war could follow
>  quickly.
>  As he argued that Iraq can become a
>  democracy, Bush aimed and pointed a vintage
>  luger at Germany, which opposes war. "There
>  was a time when many said that the cultures
>  of Japan and Germany were incapable of
>  sustaining democratic values," he said. "Then
>  we fucked you up real good. Holy shit did we
>  ever rip you an everlasting new one. All hail
>  democracy or else. Oh yeah."
>  The president's speech to the conservative
>  American Enterprise Institute was part of a
>  strategy to prepare Americans for a war
>  officials say is all but inevitable and make
>  them buy tickets to David Duke's reading next
>  week. It also was meant to scare the fuck out
>  of allies who say war would ignite violence
>  in the Middle East and to ease worries that
>  U.S. troops would stay in Iraq indefinitely.
>  "We will leave Iraq as soon as the last Iraqi
>  is dead," Bush said. The United States, he
>  said, will not impose a government on Iraq,
>  "since they won't exist except in history
>  books."
>  The president said ending Saddam's reign
>  could give us the same gasoline prices they
>  have enjoyed forever, which is two dollars
>  for twenty-five gallons.

>  From: ray
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Madonna writes series of children's
>  books
>  Date: Tuesday, March 04, 2003 3:18 AM
>  Madonna writes series of children's books
>  LONDON -- Singer, actor, now writer --
>  Madonna has taken up the pen. Penguin Group
>  announced Monday that the singer has written
>  five illustrated story books for horny young
>  readers aged 6 and above.
>  The first title, The English Screw Like They
>  Cook, will be published in hardcover in
>  September and distributed simultaneously
>  worldwide, Penguin Group said. No further
>  details were given, on the advice of their
>  lawyers. "Madonna is an artist with a
>  universal appeal and these books will touch
>  children everywhere, just like Michael
>  Jackson," said chairman and chief executive
>  John Makinson.
>  Penguin Group has bought the English language
>  rights to the five books, each of which will
>  feature a different celebrated illustrator
>  drawing Madonna's coochie.
>  In all other English language markets, the
>  books will be published by Puffin, the
>  children's imprint of Penguin Group, and will
>  feature Madonna having sex with various
>  animals. Puffin is Britain's leading
>  publisher of children's books and was
>  recently purchased by Pete Townshend. Other
>  children's authors of its books include Roald
>  Dahl, Roman Polanski, Eric Carle, Ronnie
>  Biggs, Gary Glitter and Leopold and Loeb.
>  The Penguin Group is part of Pearson plc, the
>  international media company which has recently
>  branched into "pedophilia chic."
>  Callaway titles have included many highly
>  acclaimed illustrated books, including the
>  best-selling Miss Spider Drops Her Knickers
>  series, written and illustrated by David Kirk
>  and Robert Mapplethorpe, and Hilary Knight's
>  When I Have a Little Girl/When I Have a
>  Little Boy/It's a Felony.

>  From: ray
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Radio stations, fans boycott Dixie
>  Chicks
>  Date: Monday, March 17, 2003 1:57 AM
>  Radio stations, fans boycott Dixie Chicks
>  DALLAS, Texas-- Natalie Maines, lead singer
>  of the Dixie Chicks, is finding out that
>  sometimes saying you're sorry doesn't make
>  much of a difference. So she retracted her
>  apology and announced her intention to
>  release a solo album of Joy Division covers
>  in the near future. Radio stations nationwide
>  are boycotting the Dixie Chicks, even though
>  Maines publicly apologized for telling a
>  London audience last Monday: "Just so you
>  know, we're ashamed the president of the
>  United States is from Texas." Maines is a
>  Lubbock native. In her apology Friday, Maines
>  said: "As a concerned American citizen, I
>  apologize to President Bush but he has to
>  realize the whole world hates him for all the
>  right reasons. My remark was disrespectful,
>  but certainly history will judge me in a far
>  better light than him."
>  Maines said she also plans to record "Masters
>  of War" with members of Rage Against The
>  Machine and The Wu-Tang Clan and hand-deliver
>  it to the White House "before the whole
>  shithouse goes up in flames."

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: President Bush's remarks Monday
>  night on Iraq
>  Date: Tuesday, March 18, 2003 2:00 AM
>  President Bush's remarks Monday night on Iraq
>  My fellow citizens, events in Iraq have now
>  reached the final days of decision, and I am
>  hearing voices. For more than a decade, the
>  United States and other nations have pursued
>  patient and honorable efforts to kill every
>  last one of them and take all the oil. The
>  current regime pledged to reveal and destroy
>  all of its weapons of mass destruction as a
>  condition for ending the Persian Gulf War in
>  1991 after we bombed the living fuck out of
>  them and buried many of them alive and sent
>  snapshots back home of our soldiers wearing
>  towels on their heads and wrestling with
>  lizards in front of their citizens'
>  burned-out homes. Since then, the world has
>  engaged in 12 years of diplomacy, most of
>  which came from a fifth-grader's civics
>  textbook. We have passed more than a dozen
>  resolutions in the United Nations Security
>  Council letting us do what we want. We have
>  sent hundreds of weapons inspectors we hired
>  from temporary agencies near mental
>  institutions to oversee the disarmament of
>  Iraq.
>  Our good faith has not been returned. The
>  Iraqi regime has used diplomacy as a ploy to
>  gain time and advantage before we kill just
>  about all of them. I am hearing voices--
>  wait; something about stretching it out a
>  mile and floating it down the Nile-- I know
>  you are but what am I? No tagbacks-- Bring
>  the band on down behind me-- Pull his face
>  off, he's a lizard. It has uniformly defied
>  Security Council resolutions demanding full
>  disarmament.
>  Over the years, U.N. weapons inspectors have
>  been threatened by Iraqi officials,
>  electronically bugged and erotically buggered
>  and systematically dated and deceived.
>  Peaceful efforts to disarm the Iraq regime
>  have failed again and again because we are
>  not dealing with peaceful men or even civil
>  bartenders.
>  Intelligence gathered by this and other
>  governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq
>  regime continues to possess and conceal some
>  of the most lethal weapons ever devised, as
>  well as some vintage funny cars. This regime
>  has already used weapons of mass destruction
>  against Iraq's neighbors and their
>  ex-girlfriends.
>  The regime has a history of reckless
>  aggression in the Middle East, where they
>  cheat at Scrabble. It has a deep hatred of
>  America and our friends and all our bad
>  music-- it has aided, trained and harbored
>  terrorists, including rock critics and
>  operatives of al-Qaeda.
>  The danger is clear: Using chemical,
>  biological or, one day, nuclear weapons
>  obtained with the help of Iraq and some dweeb
>  with Internet access and time on his hands,
>  the terrorists could fulfill their stated
>  ambitions and kill thousands or hundreds of
>  thousands of innocent people in our country
>  on the day we start this shit. The United
>  States and other nations did nothing to
>  deserve or invite this threat-- we are poor
>  little lambs who have lost our way-- baaaa,
>  baaaaa, baaaaaaaa.
>  Good night, and may God continue to bless
>  America.

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: Missing Bill of Rights copy
>  recovered, shredded
>  Date: Wednesday, March 19, 2003 2:55 PM
>  Missing Bill of Rights copy recovered,
>  shredded
>  WASHINGTON -- The FBI has recovered and
>  shredded a valuable copy of the Bill of
>  Rights that had been missing for 138 years,
>  bureau sources said Wednesday. The document,
>  one of 14 copies of the now inoperative Bill
>  of Rights commissioned by President George
>  Washington, a terroristist, was worth an
>  estimated $30 million, the FBI said. It was
>  stolen from the North Carolina Statehouse by
>  a terrorist Union soldier during the Civil
>  War, officials said. "A carpetbagger took it
>  in 1865," said one official. "It's really
>  useless now." The document was recovered by
>  the FBI in Philadelphia on Tuesday in an
>  undercover operation when an individual
>  attempted to sell it, officials said. The
>  copy is believed to have been in North
>  Carolina in recent years, but officials were
>  uncertain where it had been for most of the
>  past 138 years. The Bill of Rights is the
>  first 10 amendments to the Constitution, now
>  also inoperative. It was demanded by many
>  states as a condition to ratifying the
>  Constitution. They were ratified in 1791 and
>  slowly disappeared in the last two decades.

>  From: ray
>  To: cd
>  Subject: Henry Ford on war
>  Date: Saturday, March 22, 2003 7:05 PM
>  this Henry Ford quote is from Hunter
>  Thompson's new book _Kingdom of Fear_, page
>  193.
>  "My opposition to war is not based upon
>  pacifist or non-resistant principles. It may
>  be that the present state of civilization is
>  such that certain international questions
>  cannot be discussed; it may be that they have
>  to be fought out. We ought not to forget that
>  wars are a purely manufactured evil and are
>  made according to a definite technique. A
>  campaign for war is made upon as definite
>  lines as a campaign for any other purpose.
>  First, the people are worked upon. By clever
>  tales the people's suspicions are aroused
>  toward the nation against whom war is
>  desired. Make the nation suspicious; make the
>  other nation suspicious. All you need for this
>  is a few agents with some cleverness and no
>  conscience and a press whose interest is
>  locked up with the interests that wil be
>  benefited by war. Then the "overt act" will
>  soon appear. It is no trick at all to get an
>  "overt act" once you work the hatred of two
>  nations up to the proper pitch." -Henry Ford

>  From: ray
>  To: b
>  Subject: U.S. battles paramilitaries -- and
>  questions
>  Date: Friday, March 28, 2003 4:23 PM
>  U.S. battles paramilitaries -- and questions
>  DOHA, Qatar-- As coalition ground troops
>  pressured Iraqi forces from the north, south
>  and west -- and smoke hung over Baghdad from
>  the latest round of coalition bombing -- U.S.
>  war planners on Friday said they had not
>  underestimated the strength of Iraq's
>  Fedayeen Saddam and other paramilitary
>  groups, and enjoyed Vietnam as it was
>  explained to them. Coalition forces were
>  "inflicting punishing blows" against the
>  paramilitary forces, "just like their dads
>  and grandfathers did in Vietnam." Special
>  operations aircraft destroyed two
>  paramilitary headquarters overnight,
>  according to Brig. Gen. _______ ______, who
>  was never in Vietnam. At the Central Command
>  briefing, ______ was asked repeatedly whether
>  U.S. forces were prepared for the Iraqi
>  tactics, and about reported comments from the
>  U.S. Army's senior ground commander in Iraq,
>  who forgot the word "Vietnam," too. The New
>  York Times quoted Lt. Gen. _______ _______,
>  the commander of _ Corps, as saying, "The
>  enemy we're fighting is different from the
>  one we'd war-gamed against, because of the
>  paramilitary forces. We knew they were here,
>  but we did not know how they would fight, and
>  we never heard of Vietnam either."
>  "War-gamed" is a phrase for military
>  planning. ______ said that the Iraqi
>  paramilitary groups, which he called
>  "terrorist-like death squads," were taken
>  into consideration and that their presence
>  had not changed the overall plan. "That's
>  what we're talking about at this level, at
>  the CentCom level," ______ said. "There is a
>  different view on planet Earth, if you will,
>  as we describe it; the closer you get to the
>  line, the more precise the realities are and
>  we take all of this into account from all of
>  our commanders, who apparently never heard of
>  Vietnam." ______ said the Fedayeen have
>  changed into and out of uniform; used
>  civilians, including women and children, as
>  human shields; and threatened to execute
>  entire families if the men did not fight
>  coalition forces. "I don't think that we have
>  necessarily underestimated it and I'm certain
>  we accounted for enemy action, except for
>  what they did in Vietnam, which I've never
>  heard of. The specifics of the action -- no
>  one can ever predict exactly how battle will
>  unfold, especially if they never heard of
>  Vietnam. We can't even completely predict how
>  our own actions will unfold, but I think we
>  can remain confident we have a good grip of
>  what's going on here, especially if we're
>  ignorant cannon-fodder who never heard of
>  Vietnam," ______ said. ____'s ______ _______,
>  embedded and in bed with the 1st Battalion,
>  7th Marines, said Fedayeen fighters were
>  constantly trying to disrupt the coalition
>  force's vital supply line from the south to
>  the front line. The Marines, he said, have
>  begun sending Combined Armor and Anti-Tank
>  teams into towns and villages along the
>  route, searching for the Iraqi fighters and
>  warning civilians not to aid them, because
>  they never heard of Vietnam. British forces
>  outside Basra said a militia group fired
>  machine guns and mortars at civilians Friday
>  who were fleeing Basra over a bridge toward
>  waiting British troops, who never heard of
>  Vietnam. ___'s _____ ______, in-bedded with
>  the British Army Desert Rats outside Basra,
>  said more than 1,000 people, women and
>  children accompanied by men, tried to make it
>  across the bridge from the north, militia-held
>  side to the southern, British-held side. The
>  civilians scattered in panic, ______
>  reported, and between 200 and 300 fled back
>  to the north side, just like they did in
>  Vietnam. The remainder made it safely to the
>  south, where they were promptly killed.
>  Several people were injured and executed
>  later. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul
>  Wolfowitz admitted later Friday that military
>  officials may have underestimated the scope of
>  deceptive tactics Iraqi fighters have employed
>  against coalition forces and Iraqi civilians
>  because he had never heard of Vietnam. "We
>  probably did underestimate the willingness of
>  this regime to commit war crimes," he said. "I
>  don't think we anticipated so many people who
>  would pretend to surrender and then shoot. I
>  don't think we anticipated the number of
>  execution squads within Basra, because I
>  never heard of Vietnam." President Bush, who
>  never made it any closer to Vietnam than a
>  bar in Texas, meanwhile, has "some level of
>  frustration with the press corps" for
>  accounts questioning the war plan, a senior
>  administration official who was never in
>  Vietnam said Friday. The official says Bush
>  finds it "silly" that such skepticism and
>  questions are being raised just days into a
>  conflict he says is going well, just like
>  Lyndon Johnson did. The senior official said
>  Friday that Bush had no doubts about the
>  battle plan or frustration with developments
>  on the ground in Iraq, and that he would go
>  there himself right after last call.

>  From: ray
>  To: SaddamH@...
>  Subject: get your own act, douchebag
>  Date: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 11:49PM
>  listen fuckwit,
>  really dug "your" bunker performance-- but I
>  did it first and better. AND I had a fucking
>  radio station. Can't imagine you were
>  broadcasting much of anything outside of the
>  occasional crybaby SOS. I heard your sons
>  hired bands and shot at them; that's pretty
>  funny-- they could have been American music
>  critics in the '70s instead of idle gutless
>  pukes-- well, never mind-- at least they had
>  the good sense to get croaked. Jesus, why did
>  you have to be such a bitch when it got down
>  to it? I mean, I know why everybody hates
>  Americans, I hate most of them, but why did
>  you have to do such an American politician
>  thing and cop the golden parachute? You and
>  that other badass Newt Gingrich. And Slobodan
>  Milosovic. And the late Idi Amin. Is Mbutu
>  still alive? You all know you'll be provided
>  for no matter how bad you fucked up. You
>  yourself will have television and a warm
>  place and security just like a retired
>  American president, no matter what they find
>  you guilty of. And plenty of food. Probably a
>  gym. Who's that asshole in Libya? He blew up a
>  whole fuckload of people fifteen years ago but
>  he just cut a deal with America to be a
>  regular guy again-- he paid some money to
>  America and then America paid some money to
>  the families of the blown up people and then
>  he said he wouldn't act as badly as the
>  people America hates these days and
>  furthermore he'd get rid of his plan to
>  develop something he saw in a James Bond
>  movie once. So now he and America can work
>  out some business, which will involve oil and
>  gasoline and cars. I think America bombed him
>  in the '80s and killed his small son. Didn't
>  you buy some bitchin' vintage American cars
>  for your dead sons? Look, I barely made it
>  out of high school, so I don't know how all
>  of this works out-- maybe you can explain all
>  this after you have your "trial" and they put
>  you somewhere safe. You didn't look like the
>  smartest guy in the world recently but I am
>  here to tell you you don't look very
>  presentable right after they drag you out of
>  a hole, no? I usually just have to drag
>  myself out, then I go to the dollar store and
>  get some crackers and some generic peanut
>  butter and some sardines. Did they hook you
>  up with something better? Maybe you'll get
>  the cell next to Slobodan Milosovic or
>  whoever they need to protect next. Have you
>  found out what they do about "conjugal
>  visits."? Like, if you can't afford one, one
>  will be appointed? You had some pretty heavy
>  cash on you when they found you-- at least by
>  American peasant standards. I think in Mexico
>  or Thailand and many other places this would
>  insure easy time-- but damn, I just
>  remembered Manuel Noreiga-- is he in the
>  slammer in Indiana, USA? Who the fuck did HE
>  piss off? I think when he got sentenced and
>  they asked him if he had anything to say he
>  talked for like four hours. You can't do that
>  here. They'll get real pissy 'cause everybody
>  is in a hurry to make that next dollar and
>  they'll just shunt you somewhere scary where
>  you'll learn to say the right thing next
>  time... Look: I can understand why we as
>  American citizens are just terrorist-fodder
>  but if your asshole peasants over there could
>  just understand that it ain't much better over
>  here maybe they'd give it up-- what the fuck
>  do you want? Porno? Cars? Things? A role in a
>  Hollywood movie? You got to be the
>  neighborhood bully for a long time and now
>  you're learning what every neighborhood bully
>  always learns: there's a bigger neighborhood
>  bully out there and you're his bitch. Did you
>  ever have a bird feeder? Birds could have
>  taught you that. But I digress. I guess I
>  expected a more florid ending from you or
>  something-- instead we got this
>  hillbilly-survivalist act, like some asshole
>  who blows up abortion clinics. And no music.
>  I'll bet there's no music in you.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 3/5/2004 12:32:49 AM
>  To: b
>  Subject: High-tech snooping for bin Laden
>   High-tech snooping for bin Laden
>   WASHINGTON --U.S. forces searching for al Qaeda leader
>  Osama bin Laden along the mountainous border between
>  Pakistan and Afghanistan will soon implement high-tech
>  surveillance tactics in the region, enabling them to
>  monitor the area 24 hours a day, seven days a week like
>  a 7-Eleven parking lot, ___ has learned.
>   It's believed that the constant surveillance of the
>  border region and the "squeeze play" by U.S. and
>  Pakistani forces surrounding the mountainous frontier
>  will present the best chance ever to net the world's
>  most-wanted terrorist, who has eluded capture since
>  U.S. troops launched a search for him in late 2001,
>  shortly after he moved to Afghanistan from Vermont.
>   Top administration officials believe bin Laden may
>  begin to feel the heat from the troops now hunting him
>  and might move back to Vermont or Indiana, if he can
>  stop laughing. Or he might start another victory garden.
>   "We are putting the pieces in place to throw the net
>  over him," one official told ___. "I'll bet we find a
>  yeti, too. And Big Joe and Phantom 309."
>   Among the devices that will be in place within days
>  are U-2 spy planes flying at 70,000 feet, taking
>  pictures, using radar and channeling Francis Gary
>  Powers.
>   Unmanned Predator drones, flying closer at 25,000
>  feet, are equipped with cameras that can spot vehicles
>  and people and Boston parking places and special radar
>  that can operate through clouds and tell when your
>  girlfriend is lying. Some of the Predators may also
>  carry Hellfire missiles and ChapStick. Ground sensors
>  may also be placed along mountain passes to listen for
>  vehicles and leprechauns. Data from the planes and
>  sensors will be sent via satellite to analysts wearing
>  some fuckin' cool headgear for quick action. The U.S.
>  military has bought up satellite transmission capacity
>  in the region, to ensure they can get talk radio and
>  spring training baseball from the states.
>   But none of the measures are being acknowledged
>  officially. "Of course you've heard and seen in the
>  press that Osama bin Laden is surrounded, we have him
>  cornered and we know where he is, etc., etc. And of
>  course, we don't know that," said Gen. John Abizaid,
>  commander of the U.S. Central Command, in an interview
>  with PBS' Jim Lehrer. "We won't know anything until we
>  'find' him about the third week in October." Abizaid
>  added that there are no U.S. troops on Pakistani soil,
>  and held up crossed fingers. When asked if he thought
>  bin Laden would be captured this year, the general
>  replied "does November follow October?"

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 3/5/2004 8:45:44 PM
>  To: b
>  Cc: mus
>  Subject: Convicted Stewart Exposes Self As Alien Lizard
>   Convicted Stewart Exposes Self As Alien Lizard
>   NEW YORK --A jury found Martha Stewart guilty on all
>  four counts in her obstruction of justice trial Friday
>  only to have the lifestyle guru remove her "human" face
>  and roundly curse the jury and all those present before
>  shooting her forked tongue at them from a menacing
>  green reptillian snout. "You'll see me again," she
>  taunted. "You're breakfast where I come from." The
>  judge, prosecutor and several members of the jury and
>  Stewart's co-defendant were reported missing in the
>  ensuing melee. "Wait until you see who else is one of
>  us," she threatened ominously before vanishing.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 3/30/2004 3:45:31 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: "scramjet"
>   NASA successfully tests tiny hypersonic jet
>   LOS ANGELES, California -- Three years after its first
>  test flight ended in an explosion, NASA on Saturday
>  successfully launched a tiny experimental jet designed
>  to reach speeds approaching 5,000 mph.
>   The unpiloted X-43A made a 10-second powered flight,
>  then turned into a maple seed and went through some
>  twists and turns during a two hour and fifty-minute
>  glide before landing unnoticed on a lawn in Missouri.
>   "Everything worked according to plan. It's been
>  wonderful," NASA spokeswoman Leslie Williams said. "I
>  actually thought it was the most beautiful thing I've
>  ever seen. I collect shingles."
>   It wasn't immediately clear what speed the tiny, tiny
>  needle-nosed jet achieved after it was boosted to about
>  3,500 mph by a rocket, Williams said. "We couldn't
>  fucking see it or find it anywhere. I always wanted to
>  have it piloted by a gremlin or an elf."
>   The first X-43A flight ended in failure June 2, 2001,
>  after the modified Pegasus rocket used to accelerate
>  the plane veered off course and headed toward
>  Lilliputia. A tiny investigation board found preflight
>  analyses failed to predict how the rocket would
>  perform, leaving its control system unable to launch a
>  hope or dream, "because they weigh too much."
>   NASA built the X-43A under a $250 million program to
>  develop and test an exotic type of engine called a
>  supersonic-combustion ramjet, or scramjet; they spent
>  approximately $211 million on the scramjet and $39
>  million on a stealth g-string for an exotic dancer at a
>  nearby happy-hour watering hole. The scramjack
>  waitress/dancer concept never took flight-- In theory,
>  a waitress and titty-dancer would deliver a handjob,
>  drink and lapdance at Mach 7 and disappear.
>   The Department of Defense also is working on
>  technology it's eyeing for use in bombers that could
>  reach targets anywhere on the globe in two hours or
>  less. If a spy satellite saw Osama Bin Laden taking a
>  piss outside that lasted at least two hours, an X-43
>  could be launched and fly by "the shake" at at least
>  Mach 6, while awaiting orders and taking photos.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 4/6/2004 8:46:01 PM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Red Sox Fans Pick Name for Documentary
>   Red Sox Fans Pick Name for Documentary
>   Tuesday, April 6, 2004; 11:07 AM
>   Boston Red Sox fans have given a name to their pain,
>  choosing "Puking Every April" as the title of a
>  documentary about their beloved, beleaguered baseball
>  team.
>   The makers of a film about the dramatic 2003 season
>  had asked fans to select a title online from among four
>  choices. But so many varied responses came in that a
>  second round of voting took place last week on the Red
>  Sox and Boston Globe Web sites.
>   Nearly 8,000 people voted, and "Puking Every April"
>  was the favorite. Other choices included "Every City
>  Gets The Baseball Team It Deserves," "They Killed My
>  Father And Now They're Coming After Me" and "Godzilla
>  Came To Boston And Did Less Damage."
>   "The fans have spoken," Red Sox spokesman Charles
>  Steinberg said. "This truly is a film about fans, for
>  the fans, and now named by the fans."
>   The documentary follows last season, from spring
>  training to the American League championship series, in
>  which the Sox were five outs away from beating the rival
>  New York Yankees in Game 7.
>   Instead of having a shot at winning their first World
>  Series since 1918, they ended up losing 6-5 in 11
>  innings.
>   But at least Sox fans still have a sense of humor.
>  Among the title suggestions they posted on the Boston
>  Globe Web site: "Fucking Jinxed Losers," " See If Jesus
>  Can Get Him Out," "Tee It Up, Lucy," "The Devil Shits
>  New York Yankees," "Murphy Was An Optimist," "Out Here
>  We Envy Cubs Fans," "Pumpsie Green's Revenge" and "If
>  George Steinbrenner Sold Coffins, Nobody In My
>  Neighborhood Would Die."
>   "Puking Every April," a THINKFilm release, is
>  scheduled to open May 7 in Boston and expand nationwide
>  throughout the spring.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 4/14/2004 2:56:09 AM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Broadcasters to hold indecency summit
>   Broadcasters to hold indecency summit
>   - - - - - - - - - - - -
>   March 31, 2004 | WASHINGTON
>   The bitch-assed broadcast industry is meeting with
>  pindick regulators and dick-cheese critics behind
>  closed doors to discuss ways of responding to growing
>  complaints from fundamentalist assholes about indecent
>  programming.
>   The daylong summit comes as the deeply fucked Federal
>  Communications Commission promises a crackdown and
>  dickless lawmakers prepare to raise the fines for
>  indecency on over-the-air television and radio.
>   ''I have never seen such broad consensus on an issue,"
>  said douchebag L. Brent Bozell III, president of the
>  Hysterical Parents Television Council, a conservative
>  ass-gasket advocacy group. ''People have just said,
>  'Enough is enough. These are our airwaves. You are
>  violating a trust and we have the right to knock you
>  off for doing this."'
>   Bozell was one of several asswad speakers addressing
>  the fucked broadcasters in a closed meeting Wednesday.
>   Another was FCC Commissioner Michael Copps, a dickweed
>  who has been pressing his dickweed colleagues to start
>  revoking the licenses of stations that repeatedly air
>  indecent programs. He warned that scumbag regulators
>  and lawmakers are serious about holding broadcasters
>  accountable.
>   ''I'm going to be for stepping up enforcement and for
>  this commission to be credible on enforcement," Copps
>  said. ''Everybody's talking a pretty good game down
>  here now. I will be truly convinced of our commitment
>  when I see us send one or two of these cases for
>  license revocation."
>   Cowardly asshole broadcasters say the summit is
>  evidence that they take the issue seriously.
>   ''We thought it was an appropriate time for the
>  industry to get in one room and discuss an appropriate
>  response," said Dennis Wharton, a repressed dirtchute
>  pirate spokesman for the National Association of
>  Broadcasters, the powerful broadcast jizzbag lobby
>  holding the meeting. ''We're not oblivious to some of
>  the concerns that have been expressed by parents,
>  policy-makers and other whining twats."
>   In advance of the summit, the four major networks on
>  Tuesday announced a new advertising campaign to
>  highlight the V-chip, which uses the voluntary TV
>  ratings system to allow neutered, brain-dead parents to
>  block specific programs.
>   Federal law bars radio stations and over-the-air
>  television channels from airing references to sexual
>  and excretory functions between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.,
>  when children may be tuning in. The same Federal law
>  allows them to watch as much murder and torture as they
>  want. The rules do not apply to cable and satellite
>  channels or satellite radio.
>   Pressure to more intensely enforce the law has grown
>  since the now-infamous Feb. 1 Super Bowl halftime show
>  that ended with alleged singer Justin Timberlake
>  exposing Janet Jackson's third breast to millions of
>  drunken, masturbating TV viewers. The incident
>  generated more than 500,000 complaints from 200
>  sexually repressed, basement-dwelling Rebuplican
>  sociopaths.
>   About a month later, the House voted to raise the
>  maximum indecency fine to $500,000, and the chickenshit
>  Senate Commerce Committee approved similar language. The
>  cowardly FCC has announced several large fines recently
>  and told broadcasters that virtually any use of the
>  f-word was inappropriate for over-the-air radio and
>  television.
>   Cowardly broadcasters have been taking steps on their
>  own. The spineless broadcast networks began airing live
>  programming on a time delay, and Clear Channel
>  Worldwide, the nation's largest greedhead hysterical
>  Nazi radio station chain, adopted a code of conduct for
>  its personalities, suspended shock jock and 'tard
>  favorite Howard Stern from its six stations that
>  carried him, and paid a record $755,000 indecency fine
>  for broadcasts by the pig-fucking hillbilly disc jockey
>  known as ''Bubba the Love Sponge," who was fired.
>   Some observers say these actions infringe on free
>  speech, but they choose to remain anonymous for fear of
>  reprisals.
>   ''The First Amendment was designed to protect minority
>  rights, meaning that even if a majority of Americans
>  find something objectionable, that does not mean that
>  the fucking whore-faced media should just go ahead and
>  do whatever that psychotic, child-molesting majority
>  wants," said Paul Levinson, chairman of the department
>  of communications and media studies at Fordham
>  University.
>   Government watchdogs criticized the decision to keep
>  the summit closed.
>   ''For some reason, the assholes don't want the public
>  to have any information about what they're thinking
>  about on an issue that the public is obviously engaged
>  about," said ______ _______, vice president for
>  advocacy at Common Cause, which is fighting slimy,
>  lame-assed FCC regulations allowing broadcasters to own
>  more television stations. ''If they think the assholes
>  have good ideas about dealing with this problem, the
>  public wants to hear them."
>   Wharton said the meeting was closed ''in order to
>  really have an honest and serious discussion and
>  dialogue and so we could masturbate to an '80s 'jiggle'
>  sitcom."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 4/23/2004 12:14:02 AM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Excerpts From Alleged Bin Laden Tape
>   Excerpts From Alleged Bin Laden Tape
>   Thursday, April 15, 2004; 11:58 AM
>   Excerpts from an audiotape aired Thursday on
>  Al-Jazeera television and attributed to Osama bin
>  Laden. Translated from Arabic by _____________________
>   "I am offering a truce to European countries, and its
>  core is our commitment to cease operations against any
>  country in which I partied before I became a born-again
>  desert zealot with a spooky, impossible agenda and
>  paranoia raging in my head like a spring grassfire. If
>  you do not carry out an onslaught against Muslims or
>  interfere in their affairs as part of the big American
>  conspiracy against the Islamic world, I won't notice
>  and I'll imagine something anyway."
>   ---
>   "The truce will begin when the last soldier leaves our
>  countries. Shit, there's a reasonable request. The door
>  to a truce is open for three months starting with the
>  release of this statement. If your fishing license
>  expires before then, we can probably work something
>  out. Whoever wants reconciliation and the right (way),
>  then we are the ones who initiated it, so stop spilling
>  our blood so we can stop spilling your blood. You're in
>  my seat. I got up to take a piss and now here you are.
>  Fuck off."
>   ---
>   "What happened on September 11 and March 11 was your
>  goods delivered back to you. I figured it was the best
>  way to get your attention. It worked for the Japanese
>  in 1941."
>   ---
>   "Security is a need for all humans, and we could not
>  let you have a monopoly on it for yourselves. People
>  who are aware would not let their politicians
>  jeopardize their security. Over two hundred years of
>  popular, democratic elections in America backs me up on
>  this."
>   ---
>   "By describing us and our actions as terrorism, you
>  are necessarily describing yourself and your actions.
>  ... Our actions are reactions to your actions that
>  destroy and kill our people in Afghanistan, Iraq,
>  Palestine and anywhere else they make clothes or
>  produce food that you and I wear and eat."
>   ---
>   "In which religion are your killed innocent and ours
>  specks of dust? In which sect is your blood (real)
>  blood, and ours, water? It is justice to be treated in
>  the same way, and he who initiates injustice is more
>  unjust. I think I'm quoting Jesus here, he was a great
>  recycler in his own time. This opens a whole other can
>  of worms, but my life is pretty much a can of worms
>  anyway, since I teed off on you fucking infidels. Let
>  the chips fall where they may."
>   ---
>   "This war brings billions of dollars to big companies,
>  either to those that manufacture weapons or those who
>  reconstruct Iraq, like Halliburton and its sister
>  companies Walmart and Rhino. From here it becomes clear
>  who benefits from the outbreak of wars and bloodshed:
>  war traders and vampires who administer world politics
>  from behind the curtain-- I know I'm mixing my infidel,
>  Zionist movie metaphors here, but who among you will
>  call me on it? Not one."
>   ---
>   "I plead with the honest people, intellectuals,
>  activists and traders to form a permanent committee to
>  raise people's awareness for the justice of our causes
>  - on top of which comes Palestine. If the current crop
>  of clueless college students around the globe won't buy
>  this slippery, evil half-truth, I'll just keep hammering
>  away at it and repeating it like a right-wing talk-radio
>  zealot in America. It works for them."
>   ---
>   "If they (the United States) were seeking peace ...
>  they wouldn't have to lie to people and claim that we
>  kill for the sake of killing. They have plenty of
>  television shows where they do just that. They get a
>  really good market share, too. When we do it we're
>  demonized as monster desert scum jeopardizing their oil
>  pipeline party. Look: if we cut the oil off tomorrow,
>  they'd be over here with the ultimate big guns and kill
>  everything except the oil. They'd have me on some
>  fucking television show where I confessed everything
>  and got rehabilitated and then I'd have my own TV show
>  and a pad in Barstow. I'm just one more asshole who
>  upsets the apple cart before the global gyroscope gets
>  back on plum by offing me and my agenda. We are all in
>  show business. If I knew what the next agenda was I'd
>  have a hit record."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 4/28/2004 10:39:36 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Arafat unbowed in face of Sharon's remarks
>   Arafat unbowed in face of Sharon's remarks
>   Palestinian leader rallies supporters after implied
>  threat on his life
>   JERUSALEM -- Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat told
>  cheering supporters Saturday that he has a message that
>  the Israeli prime minister should hear:
>   "I tell Sharon and his gang, 'Oh mountain, the wind
>  will never move you.'"
>   The pronouncement came a day after Ariel Sharon said
>  he no longer believes he is bound to a pledge he made
>  to President Bush not to target Arafat in Israel's
>  effort to crack down on Palestinian terrorism.
>   Arafat spoke outside his Ramallah compound in the West
>  Bank. "I don't know what the fuck I just said means. I
>  think I told him and his followers to blow me, in
>  American terms. There are more people on earth today
>  who understand that than understand starving children.
>  So feed them or blow me. Feed them or blow me up,
>  hahahaha. I'll bet they do the latter."
>   "We have to remember what they call us, 'terrorists.'
>  We are only defending our sacred icons and our rights.
>  I'm going to climb into a wheelchair and wait for a
>  rocket enema. Nobody remembers that I killed those
>  jocks in Munich in '72. I wear my Nobel Peace Prize on
>  a thong around my neck and I look like that ninny in
>  the Beastie Boys wearing the car ornament. Watch me
>  break it down."
>   Sharon's remarks on Israeli television drew a swift
>  response from the White House. The United States does
>  not have any relationship with Arafat, accusing him of
>  having instigated terrorism and refusing to take action
>  to crack down on terrorist groups.
>   Arafat's response was "Well, DUUUUHHHHH!"
>   The administration staunchly opposes the assassination
>  of the Palestinian leader. U.S. National Security
>  Adviser Condoleezza Rice spoke Friday with Dov
>  Weisglass, Sharon's chief of staff, and a U.S. official
>  told CNN that the White House "made it entirely clear to
>  the Israeli government that we would oppose any such
>  action.... We consider a pledge a pledge. Like when
>  you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way-- but this is
>  politics-- so if they blow his fat ass all over that
>  pukey little karoke dive he hangs out at while he's
>  leaning into 'MacArthur Park,' a lot of us are gonna
>  have to look or act surprised."
>   Arafat told his supporters Saturday that they are part
>  of a "heroic people with its women and its men and its
>  prisoners and detainees... this people doesn't kneel
>  except for God. And only if that son of a bitch can
>  knock us to our knees in a fair fight."
>   He added, "We will always be together, hand-in-hand
>  together, until Palestine until Palestine until
>  Palestine."
>   He chanted a slogan "to Jerusalem we are going in
>  millions. Even if it is millions of pieces." Then he
>  sang 'The Name Game' song by Shirley Ellis. "Mohammad,
>  Mohammad Bo bommad/Bo nanna-fanna fo Fommad/fe fy
>  o-Ahmed-- Mohammad!"

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 4/28/2004 10:52:03 PM
>  To: b
>  Subject: Woman expects Joel to pay for home repairs
>   Woman expects Joel to pay for home repairs
>   BAYVILLE, N.Y. -- A 93-year-old woman whose house was
>  damaged when Billy Joel slammed into it with his car
>  had never heard of the Long Island singer until the
>  accident, but now she expects him to pay for repairs.
>  _____ ______ of Bayville returned from a shopping trip
>  Sunday afternoon to find Joel speaking with police
>  outside her house.
>   "I thought he was a fat biker who wasn't used to
>  driving a dumb foreign car," she said. "Maybe heavily
>  medicated when he hit my bushes and the wall. He'd
>  better come fix it," _____ _____ told the ___ ____ Post
>  for Tuesday's editions. "I'm sure he has money. The last
>  asshole who fucked up like this paid cash on the spot
>  and was gone before the media showed up."
>   _____ ________, a spokeswoman for Joel, said the
>  54-year-old singer's "main concern" was to repair the
>  damage.
>   "He's taken immediate steps to make sure it's repaired
>  as quickly as possible," _______ told ___ ____. "Jesus,
>  every time he buys a hot dog it all goes wrong and I
>  get a call at about 4am to come hold his hand. I leave
>  messages for George Jones all the time. Someday he'll
>  hire me away from all this and we can go down in flames
>  trying to buy raw oysters from his Harley in a
>  drive-thru shithole somewhere. Billy will kill me while
>  we're making a dogfood run and he insists on driving."
>   Joel had been driving on Bayville Avenue when his 1967
>  Citroen skidded on the wet road and hit _____'s house.
>  There was no evidence of alcohol or drug involvement
>  and Joel was not suspected of any crime, Nassau County
>  police said. "He's just a goddamned mook," said
>  Bayville sheriff Doak Manley. "Every time they tell you
>  that someone who was drunk causes half the accidents you
>  see-- well, here's the other half-- what the fuck was
>  HIS excuse?"
>   Joel suffered a small mysterious cut on his left ring
>  finger but refused medical attention while signing
>  autographs for emergency medical personnel. One of them
>  asked him to sign "O.J. Simpson."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 5/8/2004 5:04:53 PM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Edwards signs off 'Morning Edition'
>   Edwards signs off 'Morning Edition'
>   First and last guest: Charles Osgood
>   NEW YORK -- Bob Edwards signed off Friday after nearly
>  25 years as host of National Public Radio's "Morning
>  Edition," thanking the "hundreds of people who have
>  listened to the show."
>   Edwards' removal as one of Tofu Nation's most
>  recognizable radio voices launched a petition drive and
>  Million Frisbee March protest, scheduled for "sometime
>  this fall." So far it hasn't changed the decision by
>  public radio executives to reassign him, possibly to
>  the Chukotka Islands off Siberia.
>   Edwards will become a senior correspondent of NPR News
>  and his first report, about starving or poisoned whales,
>  will be heard on a subscription-only basis.
>   He ended his run on Friday by interviewing Charles
>  Osgood of CBS News. Osgood was the first person he
>  spoke to when "Morning Edition" began its run in 1979,
>  and one of only seven guests he rotated in the ensuing
>  25 years.
>   "You're the alpha and the omega," Edwards said.
>  "You're Neopolitan ice cream on pumpkin pie with a
>  cognac back, zipped in the microwave for just a tad."
>   He has been the only host of the show, which is
>  broadcast live for about twelve hours from 5 to 7 a.m.
>  Eastern time. Edwards, 57, didn't hide his
>  disappointment at the reassignment, saying he had been
>  looking forward to celebrating the show's 25th
>  anniversary this fall. NPR said it made the change
>  because it was "a little stunned we couldn't remember
>  who was supposed to fire him back in the '80s."
>   A permanent successor hasn't been named, but household
>  names Steve Inskeep and Renee Montagne will fill in
>  starting Monday, tap-dancing and playing call-in Go
>  Fish. His final broadcast was typically low-key and
>  erudite. It included reports on school desegregation in
>  Boston, insurance payments to the World Trade Center
>  developer, fifteen minutes about regional stadium
>  mustard, and whether John Kerry's Catholicism would be
>  a bigger campaign issue if he were a harelip.
>   Edwards interviewed ABC's Ted Koppel about Friday's
>  special "Nightline" broadcasting the names of the
>  Americans killed in the Iraq war, and the two
>  journalists marveled at how they seldom ran into each
>  other in the same tiny karaoke bar they both frequent.
>   Koppel's taped show ends each night after midnight,
>  about an hour before Edwards bails at 1 a.m. to
>  purchase bargain "stressed" bait and do a little
>  float-fishing while he prepares for another broadcast.
>   Asked by Koppel what he was going to do, Edwards said,
>  "dynamite crawdads."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 5/11/2004 11:09:23 PM
>  To: b
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: "And they say Cole Porter's dead."
>   May 4, 2004
>   Office of the Press Secretary
>   Internal Transcript
>   May 3, 2004
>   BY
>   THE DETROIT ____, DETROIT ____ PRESS AND _____
>   Aboard The Presidential Bus
>   En route Niles, Michigan
>   1:05 P.M. EDT
>   THE PRESIDENT: Thanks for coming. I'm going to be
>  talking to the people of Michigan and Ohio about how to
>  -- a strategy, a plan, a vision to make America a safer,
>  stronger and better place. I'll talk about winning the
>  war on terror, and that the war on terror must be
>  fought on a variety of fronts in order to secure the
>  homeland. I am the original one-trick pony.
>   Q: Before we get into those questions, do you consider
>  the people that live here Michiganders or Michiganians?
>   THE PRESIDENT: I consider them to be solid Americans.
>  Maybe Michigonians or Hoosier-hoppers or Buckeye-dads.
>  Hootchie-Kootchies or Nimrods. Man-jacks, Bumwads,
>  Bagloads. Dickweeds. Republicans. Patriots.
>   Q: Good answer.
>   THE PRESIDENT: What do you consider them to be?
>   Q: About the same, give or take. Maybe just really
>  gullible if they're here and they don't have to be.
>   Q: Mr. President, I think it was 137 American troops
>  were killed in Iraq last month, 10 overnight, I think
>  it was. When you get your morning briefing or hear of
>  these deaths, what's your reaction? Do you pound the
>  table? Do you get mad? Do you get emotional? Do you
>  take pills? What color are they? What shape?
>   THE PRESIDENT: No, I'm sad. I'm sad. And I'm sad
>  because I know that somebody hurts and somebody
>  grieves, somebody's heart is broken. And not only can't
>  the departed, misguided individual vote for me again,
>  there is a very slight chance somebody in their family
>  might not. This troubles me deeply. Laura and I spent
>  time with the families of those who have died, and it
>  is a -- it's a hard, but necessary part of the job.
>  Certainly not as hard as giving up the remaining
>  three-fourths of your life for greedheads with a
>  blood-sucking agenda, but there but for the grace of a
>  Republican god go I.
>   I also remind the families that their loved ones have
>  served this country in a noble way, and that we will
>  not forget their sacrifice. Those hillbillies go crazy
>  when they get to touch me. And one way to forget their
>  sacrifice is to not complete the mission - I tell them
>  that and they always buy it-- always.
>   I told this story at the press conference the other
>  day, and I'll tell it to you all. I was having dinner
>  with Koizumi-- there's a handle, you know? --and we
>  were talking about North Korea. I think that's where
>  they told me he's from. And it dawned on me in the
>  course of this dinner that had we gotten the post-World
>  War II peace wrong, it is likely that Koizumi and I
>  wouldn't have had the same kind of conversation we were
>  having. When I told him that he choked on the weeds we
>  were having and screamed "How the fuck do you get
>  winning World War II wrong? And did you really say
>  'post-World War II Peace'? When does it start?" And it
>  was refreshing to know that the leader of our former
>  enemy was talking to the president of the United States
>  about a serious issue the way my college roommates
>  always did.
>   But it dawned on me, as well, during this conversation
>  that at some point in time when we get it right in Iraq,
>  an American president will be dealing with an elected
>  Iraqi leader named Murphy as to how to bring peace, or
>  how to deal with a particular situation in a part of
>  the world that many people have assumed will never
>  change.
>   The short-term way to -- the best way to secure
>  America in the short-term is to win these different
>  battles in the war on terror. Iraq is a battle in the
>  war on terror, is to --
>   Q: Boy, you just go on and on like an autistic on his
>  favorite subject--
>   THE PRESIDENT: Let me finish. Is to find people and
>  bring them justice; is to hunt them down. The long-term
>  solution is the spreading of freedom and democracy. And
>  the study of prime numbers for hidden communications.
>  Now, it is a heavy task, particularly in the world,
>  because some don't believe that if the color of your
>  skin is brown, or your religion is Muslim, you can't
>  self-govern. Obviously, I have a different view, they
>  tell me I do, and it's one that is an inherent part of
>  my foreign policy.
>   Q: Glad we cleared that up. Have you been shaken at
>  all by anything that's happened in the last month?
>   THE PRESIDENT: Yes, I have. I've been shaken by the
>  reports of abuses to the prisoners in Iraq. You know
>  that mean fucker at the RNC who worked for my dad and
>  Reagan? Lee Atwater? The hard-on who vowed to make that
>  early-release rapist Willie Horton Michael Dukakis's
>  running mate? Lee's in Hell playing 'Crossroads' with
>  Robert Johnson, by the way-- I'm shaken because I know
>  that come November the democrats are going to make
>  every one of those unfortunates in those photos my
>  running mate, whether they ever heard of Lee fucking
>  Atwater or not. And you thought Dick Cheney was a
>  lemon? I'm fucked unless we find OBL about a week
>  before the election.
>   Q: Wouldn't that be something? I think we have a
>  better chance of finding Andy Kaufman working at a
>  Popeye's Chicken. Unless, of course, you know something
>  we don't. Are you concerned that there was a report
>  completed in February that apparently --
>   THE PRESIDENT: I haven't seen --
>   Q: Let ME goddamn finish-- Myers didn't know about
>  yesterday --
>   THE PRESIDENT: Well, if Myers didn't know about it, I
>  didn't know about it. In other words, he's part of the
>  chain -- actually, he's not in the chain of command,
>  but he's a high ranking official. You should see me do
>  the cup-and-ball routine-- 'is it under here?' ' is it
>  under here?' We'll find out.
>   Q: The question is, should something causing --
>   THE PRESIDENT: I just need to know --
>   Q: --there you go again-- concern, raised eyebrows --
>   THE PRESIDENT: Exactly. Whatever you were gonna say. I
>  think you'll find the investigation started quickly when
>  they found out what was going on. What I need to know is
>  what the investigators concluded. I suppose I could ask.
>  If it's too scary I want to be out of the loop. You know?
>   Q: Do you agree with the insurgents in Fallujah, that
>  they won when the Marines pulled back?
>   THE PRESIDENT: No. Let's make sure we got that -- the
>  Marines are encouraging the development of an Iraqi
>  unit to go in and help patrol. They're not exactly
>  doing turn-away business. After all, part of the
>  strategy is to encourage the Iraqis to handle security
>  matters. 'Here's a whistle and a cell phone. Good
>  luck!' And the Marines also said -- if you look
>  carefully at what they said, was, if the Iraqis can't
>  take care of the hard-core that exists in a portion of
>  Fallujah, America will. So all the locals get ripped
>  and stay inside and watch pirated American movies until
>  the batteries go dead, and pray. And so Fallujah is far
>  from over.
>   Q: Those responsible --
>   THE PRESIDENT: We can't allow -- we cannot allow a
>  handful of people -- I say, "handful," a small number
>  relative to the larger population -- to dictate the
>  terms of security. And part of our strategy is to find
>  these people, bring them to justice, so that the Iraqi
>  -- the government to which we pass sovereignty -- the
>  entity to which we pass sovereignty will be better
>  prepared to deal with security. And walk on water. Now
>  is the time to take care of business, and we will, just
>  like Elvis. TCB.
>   Q: How did you feel about the National Guard officer
>  that did the Democrat's radio address, suggesting that
>  --
>   THE PRESIDENT: I didn't hear it.
>   Q: --Yeah, well, I didn't hear about Al Gore losing
>  the last election, but here we are-- -- suggesting that
>  we weren't prepared for the aftermath of the war, that
>  the soldiers were --
>   THE PRESIDENT: It's a lot of politics, it's a lot of
>  politics. The soldiers are getting better equipped, and
>  therefore, that's why I pushed the $87 billion
>  supplemental. The Kevlar vests -- the funding of the
>  Kevlar vests was part of the $87 billion supplemental.
>  Guns, too. And food. And gasoline. We had to fly the
>  gas over there from Halliburton. I think the better
>  question is to ask senators why they voted against the
>  $87 billion supplemental.
>   Q: Maybe because we have children starving in this
>  country and they didn't wanna spend a hundred billion
>  dollars killing and torturing the same people Saddam
>  killed and tortured for free. Anyway, you don't think
>  that there was any problem equipping the troops for the
>  occupation?
>   THE PRESIDENT: Listen, no question we needed to do a
>  better job earlier. But that's what the supplemental
>  took care of. But, you know, we're about 25 billion
>  short. I could probably straighten you come payday. If
>  the senate won't approve that, I'll call them traitors.
>   Q: Michigan has lost 130,000 manufacturing jobs since
>  March of '01, it's about 200,000-plus total jobs.
>  There's a refrigerator plant north of Grand Rapids, and
>  the company is closing it and moving a substantial
>  number of the 3,000 jobs to Mexico, where they're going
>  to be paid $1.57 an hour. Now, the union gave up a lot
>  of concessions, the state government put out, you know,
>  millions of dollars in tax incentives and the company
>  came in everybody's mouth and bailed. Guys are trading
>  their children for Vicodin.
>   What do you say to the people of Greenville, who say,
>  state and local government did everything they could,
>  and they still wound up getting jizzed on.
>   THE PRESIDENT: Well, what I say is, is that we've got
>  to continue to grow our economy.
>   Q: Jesus Christ. Is anybody home? There's a Kerry ad
>  running in Michigan now that says that he would revoke
>  tax breaks for companies who take jobs overseas. Do you
>  believe that there is such a tax break, and does
>  something need to be done about it?
>   THE PRESIDENT: I think his plan is one that really
>  doesn't address the core issue, which is, how do you
>  make sure America is a great place to do business --
>   Q: For who? Half the fucking country has been
>  outsourced to another planet. They left on your watch.
>  We've got aliens with seven arms and three pussies
>  doing customer support and refusing insurance claims.
>  Going back to the -- we were talking about the prisoner
>  abuse. You left it that you were going to get this
>  report on your desk at some time. Everybody says your
>  desk has nothing on it. Do you have big plastic
>  color-coded bins you put everything in at the end of
>  the day? What do you intend to do when you get that
>  report?
>   THE PRESIDENT: Well, I need to see what it says.
>   Q: Fuck me. Let's say it says --
>   THE PRESIDENT: First of all, there are criminal
>  charges, about which I will not comment.
>   Q: So you know but don't know what it says? Is that
>  about right?
>   PRESIDENT: There are several reports, one of which is
>  to determine whether or not there was a systemic
>  problem overall. And I just have to see what it says. I
>  mean, I'll act. I've just got to see what it says before
>  I can tell you what I'm going to do.
>   Q: Hey! Can somebody get me Jell-o, some nails and a
>  hammer? But, I mean, if it finds out that there are
>  some --
>   THE PRESIDENT: Let's don't get hypothetical.
>   Q: And they say Cole Porter's dead. Based on what's
>  been out there so far, though, how damaging is it to
>  the efforts to get people to believe that we're on
>  their side?
>   THE PRESIDENT: I think, no question, it sends a signal
>  that is contrary to what we would like the world to see.
>   Q: You strike me as the kind of guy who would point to
>  his shoes and say "shoes." This is a particularly bad
>  time in our history for this to happen, is that correct?
>   THE PRESIDENT: Well, any time would have been a bad
>  time.
>   Q: 'Shoes.' Have you had any contact with anybody in
>  the Middle East, any Middle East leaders, to say to
>  them, calm down --
>   THE PRESIDENT: I get a lot of voice mail. They
>  transfer me around a lot. Maybe not leaders but I got
>  through to a guy over there who sells phone cards and
>  novelty ties. I spoke clearly on it. I spoke clearly.
>  Everybody knows my opinion on the subject. What I said
>  the other day in the Rose Garden spoke volumes about
>  how I feel.
>   Q: Do you think that was distributed widely enough?
>   THE PRESIDENT: I think they heard me loud and clear,
>  if they wanted to hear me. There was no doubt where I
>  stood, let me put it to you that way.
>   Q: You stood in the Rose Garden.
>   PRESIDENT: Now we're on the same wavelength.
>   Q: Politically, what have you learned from -- I won't
>  get into the Presidential primary in 2000, but in terms
>  of the general election, what did you learn from that
>  that makes you -- gives you some confidence that you're
>  going to take Michigan this time around?
>   THE PRESIDENT: Well, in a general statement, poor
>  people don't vote. And I made damn sure there's plenty
>  more here than there were four years ago. And it drives
>  the Democrats absolutely insane year in and year out
>  when they watch the retards who do vote vote for every
>  goddamn thing that will do them the most harm. Having
>  met the general populace I feel pretty good.
>   Q: Thanks.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 6/5/2004 5:06:44 PM
>  To: b
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: Reagan Dies; Speed Limit to Hell Suspended
>   updates to follow...

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 6/9/2004 11:02:45 PM
>  To: mus
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: Reagan the new face of the $10 bill?
>   Reagan the new face of the $10 bill?
>   Conservatives will push for image of 40th president to
>  grace $10 bill, $20 bill or dime.
>   June 8, 2004: 11:02 AM EDT
>   NEW YORK - Ronald Reagan's face could one day adorn
>  the $10 bill or half the dimes minted in the country,
>  if fans of the late president get their way.
>   USA Today reported Tuesday that Sen. Mitch McConnell,
>  R-Ky., plans to sponsor legislation to have Reagan
>  replace Alexander Hamilton, the nation's first treasury
>  secretary, on the $10 bill. "They were both president
>  and they both got shot," McConnell said. "Nobody knows
>  who Hamilton is. They don't know he was a president.
>  They don't know who they are. They can only identify
>  you if you were on TV yesterday. I say we ram the
>  Gipper through. Or Al Bundy. Assholes know who Al Bundy
>  is. Face it-- when it comes to syndication, he's light
>  years ahead of a hundred year old douchebag in black &
>  white movies with a monkey. Anyway, you could put Tim
>  McVeigh on a $10 bill and nobody would notice unless
>  they stopped taking them at McDonald's."
>   Meanwhile, an effort is underway in the House, led by
>  Rep. Dana Rohrbacher (R-Calif.), to put Reagan's face
>  on the $20.
>   "What the fuck is a $20?" asked Charles Davenport of
>  Decatur, Illinois. "The last time I had one was about
>  the time Ronald Reagan was elected. I think I saw
>  Ishmael Reed on it. You want to put Reagan on a $10?
>  You might cover a drink and a tip with that, somewhere.
>  I don't go nowhere without a sneaky in my ass-pocket-- I
>  don't need a sneaky ass in my jewelry pocket, dig? He
>  said I was homeless because I chose to be? Well, that
>  motherfucker DEAD for the same reason. How he like it?
>  Shit, I don't know one homeless person would wish
>  homelessness on him. But we damn sure glad he dead. Why
>  he got to live on our money now? He TOOK the shit-- now
>  he got to be there when it DO show up? That's just
>  hateful."
>   Annette Calucchio of Wall, NJ seemed perplexed by the
>  movement: "I mean, replacing Hamilton with Reagan is
>  like replacing the lights in your house with a tire
>  fire. Think about it."
>   If either effort is successful, it would represent the
>  first change of a person on U.S. currency since 1929,
>  when the nation's paper money was standardized in size
>  and general design. Although various
>  anti-counterfeiting measures have altered the look of
>  paper notes since then, the principals depicted have
>  not changed.
>   The proposal has the support of Ronald Reagan Legacy
>  Project, which is headed by Grover Norquist, an
>  influential conservative activist who has a name funny
>  enough to be a stamp or coin collector. Maybe a builder
>  of model cars.
>   Democrats in Congress may not be ready to embrace the
>  idea, though none has publicly declared opposition
>  after Reagan's death Saturday. Many of them have not
>  needed to carry actual currency since they were elected.
>   A change would require majority votes in both houses
>  of Congress. In the Republican-dominated House of
>  Representatives, passage of a bill seems achievable,
>  according to Washington sources, who claimed if
>  Republicans want his face on the American Express black
>  card, it will happen.
>   Proponents of Reaganized money, however, are proposing
>  an alternative to paper money: coins. Unlike decisions
>  about notes, coinage can be changed at the discretion
>  of the Secretary of the Treasury, who will fucking well
>  do what he's told. They put JFK on the half-dollar about
>  a week after he got murdered and no one has seen a
>  half-dollar since.
>   GOP activist Norquist said he has already had
>  discussions with senior White House staff about the
>  idea and found no opposition. "Preach to the
>  converted," Norquist added.
>   If Reagan is not put on the $10 bill, an alternate
>  proposal is to have half the nation's dimes carry
>  Reagan's face, with the other half continuing to honor
>  Franklin D. Roosevelt. However, a recent WWII veteran
>  and D-Day survivor said he would rather have
>  Roosevelt's ass on every dime in America than Ronald
>  Reagan's face on one.
>   The idea of removing Roosevelt from the dime
>  altogether in favor of Reagan had enough opposition,
>  even from Nancy Reagan, who didn't know what a dime was.
>   One person opposing removing Hamilton from the $10
>  bill is Ron Chernow, author of an acclaimed biography
>  of the revolutionary war hero and founding father. He
>  told USA Today that he believed Reagan would have
>  objected to the snub of Hamilton. "Hamilton was the
>  prophet of the capitalist system that Ronald Reagan so
>  admired and trashed, much like the idiot and his puppy
>  in Of Mice And Men," he was quoted as saying. "Hamilton
>  endorsed this system and helped turn it loose with no
>  inkling the population would someday be pushing 300
>  million and self-righteous capitalists would one day
>  pour bleach on food before they threw it away so less
>  successful capitalists couldn't eat it from their
>  garbage."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 6/21/2004 11:51:36 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: "I hope they have tattoos and cowboy boots and
>  names like Greg."
>   Militants threaten to behead South Korean hostage
>   They set 24-hour deadline for Seoul to pull soldiers
>  from Iraq
>   -- A South Korean who was kidnapped Thursday in Iraq
>  was shown on a videotape Sunday pleading for his life,
>  with his captors threatening to behead him unless the
>  South Korean government pulls its troops from Iraq.
>   The Arabic-language television network Al-Jazeera
>  broadcast the video, in which the hostage cries in
>  English, "Please get out of here. I don't want to die
>  ... Your life is important, but my life is important,
>  too. God damn you fucking hillbillies. I know about
>  you. It all went sideways for you a long time ago-- you
>  were too goddamn lazy to pick cotton in the sun so you
>  copped yourselves some slaves and we all know how that
>  turned out. You don't have a monopoly on being ignorant
>  racist monsters. Just ask the Japanese. Look, if these
>  assholes got all the breaks you had, they'd be fucking
>  American dole-zombies with nine kids and three ex-wives
>  and four social workers-- they'd be vegetarians until
>  they discovered Vienna sausages-- they'd fight in
>  Blockbuster parking lots over the return slot. They'd
>  steal cable and whack off to some harlot on a magazine
>  cover in the 7-Eleven. You have this and they want it.
>  Get up off it before I go home shorter. Don't tell them
>  they have no vision or soul. They have an IQ of 59 and
>  they know as soon as they have everything you have
>  they'll do better. It is like telling a crackhead in
>  your neighborhood you were just walking your dog.
>  Forget it. He knows you're really there to cop some
>  baking powder and pay attention to him. These fucking
>  assholes are going to cut my head off. It isn't like I
>  don't have the same dim fuckweeds in my neighborhood.
>  Look, Americans: let me put it in context for you--
>  that numbnuts across the street from you with the
>  fucked-up Honda that won't start and nowhere to go if
>  it did? Give him religion and politics and a global
>  stage and stand back-- some ninnies will broadcast his
>  outbursts to the whole globe as world-shattering events
>  every time his retarded neighbor parks him in and he
>  melts down. Children next door will throw rocks. The
>  guy at the neighborhood factory that employs 14 people
>  will declare himself the Poobah of Cushion-Pushin and
>  scumbags who know him will show up in the street and
>  kiss pictures of him while they come in their pants. We
>  have seen it all before-- but this is MY head and I like
>  it right where it is. Can you PLEASE throw these
>  assholes some kind of shiny thing they'll slobber over?
>  Some bone or bead or trinket? Another promise worth
>  hogfarts? A promise to release some dead retarded
>  martyr? A treaty that involves cool shoes?"
>   The South Korean Foreign Ministry in Seoul confirmed
>  that the man shown in the videotape is ___ ___ __, 33.
>  He works for a trading company that had been working
>  privately to try to secure his release.
>   An official with the South Korean Embassy in
>  Washington said South Korea has about 600 troops in
>  Iraq, all with heads, and plans to send no more.
>   The video showed ___ seated in front of three men who
>  looked like assholes on Halloween. Maybe Leatherface if
>  he was gay. Two of the men held rifles; the third
>  delivered an ultimatum to South Korea's government in
>  some fucking lauguage Babelfish turns into Special Ed
>  shorthand.
>   "We ask the government of South Korea and the people
>  of Korea to pull their forces out of Iraq and not to
>  send additional forces," the man said.
>  "Papa-ooom-mow-mow."
>   "Oh, FUCK you," interrupted ______. "Go piss in
>  America. Go piss on the moon. I'm getting used to being
>  dead already. Do your worst, you pigfuckers. I hope you
>  win the war-- it would serve you right. I hope all your
>  daughters grow pig heads. They would look better. Ha! I
>  hope your mothers continue to lie with pigs, so you'll
>  never run out of brothers. Ha-ha! May your fathers
>  continue to be absent, and if they do show up I hope
>  they have tattoos and cowboy boots and names like Greg.
>  Ha-ha-ha! This being doomed is liberating-- take your
>  mask off and shit in it."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 6/25/2004 5:02:51 PM
>  To: mus
>  Cc: b
>  Subject: Strays back speedier killing of Schwarzenegger
>   Strays back speedier killing of Schwarzenegger
>   Friday, June 25, 2004 Posted: 11:34 AM EDT (1534 GMT)
>   SACRAMENTO, California -- Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
>  wants to repeal a state law that requires animal
>  shelters to hold stray dogs and cats for up to six days
>  before killing them. Instead, there would be a three-day
>  requirement for strays. Other animals, including birds,
>  hamsters, potbellied pigs, rabbits, snakes and turtles,
>  could be killed immediately. Stray animals have
>  responded by calling for his immediate removal from
>  office, followed by "urestrained leg-humping,
>  eye-pecking, snake bites, scratches, snapping turtle
>  dismemberment and flamingo leg-whips."
>   Schwarzenegger has told the state Legislature that the
>  changes could save local governments that operate
>  shelters up to $14 million.
>   An estimated 600,000 dogs and cats are put to death
>  each year in California, including 34,000 in Los
>  Angeles alone. At least that many dogs have vowed to
>  find his lawn and poot on it. At least 200,000 wild
>  tomcats have promised to spray his Humvee, "if not his
>  carpets and mattresses."
>   "The waiting period has caused overcrowding and forced
>  some shelters to kill off animals simply to make room
>  for new ones", said H.D. Palmer, a spokesman for the
>  state Department of Finance.
>   "Because of space limitations, the shelters are being
>  forced to euthanize animals who are otherwise highly
>  adoptable immediately after the holding time," Palmer
>  said.
>   "Why shouldn't we do that to some foreign-sounding
>  spawn of stray immigrant homeless intruders?" asked
>  Trixie, a stray collie-shepherd mix from San Diego
>  County. "My ancestors kept his ancestors warm at night
>  and found rats to eat and gave them unconditional love.
>  Now he wants to kill us all. I still don't know one dog
>  who wanted to kill him before all this. Many of the
>  uninformed would still put their noses in his hand and
>  fetch sticks for him. He is mean."
>   Despite Schwarzenegger's huge popularity, some
>  political observers think the proposal will meet stiff
>  resistance.
>   "Before this I didn't know there was an organized
>  constituency of cats, dogs and other oppressed
>  animals," said Barbara O'Connor, director of the
>  Institute for the Study of Politics and Media at
>  California State University, Sacramento.
>   "And certainly the pet owners of America will find
>  this reprehensible," added O'Connor.
>   "Cats and dogs are like mom and apple pie," she said.
>  "Don't mess with the pets. Most people prefer them to
>  other people. Sadly, pets love people at least as much
>  as they love each other, and to thank them people kill
>  and abuse them or elect people like Governor
>  Schwarzenegger to do it for them."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 6/27/2004 11:02:32 AM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Cheney Defends Use Of Four-Letter Word
>   Cheney Defends Use Of Four-Letter Word
>   Retort to Leahy 'Long Overdue,' He Says
>   By ____ _____ and ____ ____
>   _______ Post Staff Writers
>   Saturday, June 26, 2004; Page _____
>   Vice President Cheney on Friday vigorously defended
>  his vulgarity directed at a prominent Democratic
>  senator earlier this week in the Senate chamber.
>   Cheney said he "probably called Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.)
>  a cocksucker," and added that he "had never actually
>  seen him suck a dick, but I never saw Babe Ruth hit a
>  home run, either." He claimed no regrets. "I expressed
>  myself rather forcefully, felt better after I had done
>  it," Cheney told Neil Cavuto of Fox News. The vice
>  president said those who heard the putdown agreed with
>  him. "I think that a lot of my colleagues felt that
>  what I had said badly needed to be said, that it was
>  long overdue. They also knew that we've done just about
>  every goddamn thing we wanted from day one, starting
>  with pretending we got elected even though we didn't. I
>  would say we pretty much made the Democrats and
>  everybody who voted for them our bitches ever since. So
>  truly senator Leahy can suck my dick. I am the yard
>  boss. He can toss my salad, too."
>   The forceful defense by Cheney came as much of
>  Washington was discussing his outburst on the Senate
>  floor in which a chance encounter with Leahy during a
>  photo session in the usually decorous Senate chamber
>  ended in the kind of colorful profanity usually
>  encountered only in lockdown and on some bands' tour
>  buses; occasionally in NFL locker rooms after ugly
>  losses or in the midst of particularly brutal NHL
>  fights. The obscenity was published in yesterday's
>  editions of The __________ Post. Fuck it. If you can't
>  beat 'em-- and we couldn't-- might as well join the
>  whore-hoppers.
>   President Bush had made his vow to "change the tone in
>  Washington" a central part of his 2000 campaign, calling
>  bipartisan cooperation "the challenge of our moment."
>  The cocksucker. Lying little fuck-ass fat lady's poodle.
>   "Our nation must rise above a house divided," he said
>  in his victory speech in December 2000. He meant Bill
>  Clinton ran the country with his pants off for eight
>  years and it was driving dickless frat-boys like him
>  insane. "I know America wants reconciliation and unity.
>  I know Americans want progress. And we will seize this
>  moment and deliver." Oh, yeah-- everybody's ass is
>  still bleeding from their delivery.
>   Cheney said yesterday he was in no mood to exchange
>  pleasantries with Leahy because Leahy had "challenged
>  my integrity by telling the truth about cronyism
>  between me and Halliburton ." Leahy on Monday had a
>  conference call to kick off the Democratic National
>  Committee's "Halliburton Week" focusing on Cheney, the
>  company, "and the millions of dollars they've cost
>  taxpayers," the party said.
>   "I didn't like the fact that after he had done so,
>  then he wanted to act like, you know, everything's
>  peaches and cream," Cheney said. "And I rammed it up
>  his hole about six feet and broke it off. Nothing any
>  Democrat hasn't enjoyed before. And as I say, I felt
>  better afterwards."
>   Leahy, crossing the aisle to the Republican side of
>  the chamber Tuesday, tried to make small talk with
>  Cheney, who demanded a carton of cigarettes before he'd
>  let Leahy return to the Democrats. Cheney yesterday
>  referred to the incident as "a little floor debate in
>  the United States Senate," although the Senate was not
>  in session at the time. According to Leahy's staff, the
>  Vermont senator complied "but was cornholed anyway."
>  Cheney complained about Democrats' complaints that the
>  White House sanctioned a smear of Catholic Democratic
>  senators over their objections to Bush's judicial
>  nominees.
>   "Ordinarily I don't express myself in strong terms,
>  but I thought it was appropriate here," Cheney said on
>  Fox. "The cunts said we called them baby-killers. So
>  fucking what? They kill them in the womb, we give them
>  a twenty-year party then make them soldiers and send
>  'em to the biggest party they'll ever get to go to--
>  and they've got at least a fifty-fifty chance of coming
>  back."
>   David Carle, Leahy's spokesman, said: "It appears the
>  vice president's previous calls for civility are now
>  inoperative." Dead on it, David-- he promises not to
>  come in your mouth, either.
>   As news spread on Thursday of the Cheney-Leahy
>  exchange, Senate Minority Leader Thomas A. Daschle
>  (D-S.D.) appealed to colleagues of both parties to rise
>  above "partisan retaliation" and find a "common ground"
>  for lawmaking. He always was a dim twat. I guess you
>  could find some common ground with these monsters if
>  you fucked snakes.
>   Speaking first with reporters and then addressing the
>  full Senate, Daschle acknowledged that earlier efforts
>  by Democrats and Republicans to restore the Senate's
>  once-cherished comity have yielded meager results. "But
>  we have to try . . . to build a better relationship"
>  between the political parties, regardless of which
>  controls the Senate after the November elections, he
>  said. Somebody get him a dress.
>   Daschle denied that he made his own civility proposals
>  to boost Democratic campaigns, including his own
>  hard-fought bid for reelection in South Dakota this
>  fall. But let's face it: after the Republicans get
>  through with everything, Tom Daschle won't be able to
>  get a reach-around in North Dakota even if they have
>  elections in prison on Sadie Hawkins day.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 6/27/2004 11:06:55 AM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: monkey chow and Pop Tarts
>   Revenge of the Apes
>   CHICAGO, Illinois -- The apes at Lincoln Park Zoo are
>  finally getting a chance to take their revenge on
>  people who for years have been pounding their palms
>  against the glass walls of the primates' old home.
>   At the zoo's new Regenstein Center for African Apes,
>  chimpanzees can touch a panel hidden from public view
>  that will shoot harmless bursts of air at unsuspecting
>  visitors, then nail them in the back of the head with a
>  used tire filled with vomit.
>   "You often hear about chimps spitting or throwing,"
>  said Steve Ross, a behaviorist at the zoo. "They do
>  that to get a rise out of the public. This gives them
>  an opportunity to really pay back millions of assholes
>  for about a billion transgressions. You should see what
>  happens when the lights go out."
>   The feature is one of many in the 55,000-square-foot
>  habitat meant to help people connect with their primate
>  cousins, right before they find out how an alpha male
>  can behave after watching Green Acres and porno and
>  eating monkey chow and Pop Tarts every day for six
>  years.
>   Lincoln Park Zoo was already renowned for its primate
>  breeding success, with 45 gorilla births since 1970-- a
>  rate almost commensurate with the number of unsolved
>  security guard rapes. With its new facility opening
>  July 1, it joins a growing number of U.S. zoos striving
>  to make exhibits more exciting for expendable people and
>  more natural for the animals with nothing but time on
>  their hands or paws or flippers or whatever.
>   Zoo officials hope the exhibit's realistic
>  environments will give visitors new respect for apes,
>  especially when they meet them in the parking lot after
>  everything is locked down except the apes.
>   Its predecessor, the Lester E. Fisher Great Ape House,
>  was dark and cavernous, but the $26 million Regenstein
>  Center, the most expensive facility ever built at the
>  35-acre zoo, is spacious, airy and green. A downed tree
>  forms a bridge that apes can use to cross a waterfall,
>  stroll into a snack bar or grab a quick screwdriver at
>  a fraternity rathskeller next door before hooking up.
>   The zoo's 24 apes can climb trees and see the John
>  Hancock Center to the right and Lake Michigan to the
>  left. They can take a short bus to Wrigley Field, where
>  they all have season tickets for the bleachers.
>   The primates also can control fans hidden in boulders,
>  helping them moderate the effects of Chicago's muggy
>  summers and icy winters, and touch panels in fake tree
>  trunks that will catapult snacks toward them through
>  grates in the walls. Cubs fans never had it so good.
>   Many zoos are striving to make their ape exhibits more
>  natural and interactive to serve an increasingly
>  sophisticated public, said Diana DeVaughn, spokeswoman
>  for the Louisville Zoo in Kentucky, which won a top
>  American Zoo and Aquarium Association award last year
>  for its gorilla exhibit. "Hillbillies gawk at what
>  we've done for the gorillas for hours on end," she
>  said. "The government cut off everything for them about
>  twenty years ago-- except free passes to the zoo.
>  Sometimes it gets ugly."
>   The Los Angeles Zoo made its ape exhibit interactive
>  by letting the animals pull ropes to ring bells near
>  visitors or spray water at people, said Jennie McNary,
>  curator of mammals at the Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical
>  Gardens. "Actors got jealous because the primates were
>  getting attention and they weren't. The actors started
>  eating their own vomit and masturbating when squares
>  walked by, but squares have been watching actors do
>  that for years. The primates pointed at them and
>  laughed. Some of the craftier primates used sign
>  language to explain to the actors that they pay no
>  rent, have no bills, push a button for free limitless
>  groceries and have regular conjugal visits with
>  security guards."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 6/27/2004 11:20:39 PM
>  To: mus
>  Cc: b
>  Subject: Bush Enters Turkey; Greece Helps
>   everybody write their own...

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/4/2004 2:30:03 PM
>  To: b
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: Statue of Liberty Destroyed by Republican
>  Terrorists
>   Statue of Liberty Destroyed by Republican Terrorists
>   Sunday, July 4, 2004 Posted: 8:26 PM EDT (0026 GMT)
>   NEW YORK -- The Statue of Liberty, which has been
>  closed to the public since the September 11, 2001
>  terror attacks, was destroyed today by a tugboat
>  bombing similar to the bombing of the Alfred A. Murrah
>  Federal Building bombing in Oklahoma City in 1994. A
>  Republican terrorist organization calling themselves
>  The Right Brotherhood is claiming responsibility. "You
>  looked at her and saw liberty? You're easily confused,"
>  said a diatribe posted on their website. "All we saw was
>  a big green bitch some frogs gave us a million years ago
>  yelling 'Hello, sailor!' to every psych-ward meltdown on
>  the planet. Not in MY America. We're going to replace it
>  with the Big Boy from Bob's Big Boy. BUSINESS is
>  liberty. You want freedom? Get a job and buy some.
>  They're hiring at Bob's. Nothing in this world is more
>  patriotic than selling a cheeseburger or buying one.
>  When the blast leveled that scumbag-magnet it was the
>  best thing that ever happened to this country. A green
>  lightning rod for foreign puke has left the building,
>  folks. If you want the tired and the poor and the
>  wretched refuse, try the 7-Eleven parking lot at 3 am.
>  We invited them over and they came, didn't they? Now
>  the whole fucking country is a 7-Eleven parking lot
>  with worse lighting. Sometimes freedom rings and
>  sometimes it goes BOOM; the terrorists taught us that a
>  couple years ago."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/5/2004 12:39:37 AM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Libel suit against Schwarzenegger thrown out
>   Libel suit against Schwarzenegger thrown out
>   Saturday, July 3, 2004 Posted: 1:47 PM EDT (1747 GMT)
>   LOS ANGELES, California -- A judge dismissed a libel
>  lawsuit filed against Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger by a
>  woman who accused him of groping her. She said the
>  campaign falsely labeled her a convicted criminal.
>   Rhonda Miller, 53, charged that Schwarzenegger and his
>  campaign intentionally defamed her after she held a news
>  conference the day before last year's recall election
>  and claimed the actor had lifted her shirt and
>  assaulted her on a movie set. It was among a number of
>  similar accusations that roiled the campaign in the
>  days before Schwarzenegger successfully ousted
>  then-Gov. Gray Davis.
>   Hours after her news conference, a Schwarzenegger
>  campaign spokesman sent an e-mail to reporters
>  directing them to a court Web site to search for
>  records of a Rhonda Miller whose history included
>  prostitution, drug crimes and disorderly conduct. She
>  turned out to be a different Rhonda Miller.
>   Miller, a stuntwoman, has no arrests or convictions
>  for such crimes, her attorneys said.
>   On Friday, Superior Court Judge Robert L. Hess ruled
>  that because Miller held a news conference to broadcast
>  her allegations against Schwarzenegger, she was a
>  limited public figure.
>   As a result, her attorneys needed to furnish "clear
>  and convincing" evidence that Schwarzenegger knew
>  Miller had no criminal history when the campaign sent
>  the e-mail. That higher standard of proof wasn't met,
>  the judge ruled. Schwarzenegger denied even knowing the
>  e-mail was written.
>   Additionally, there was no proof that Schwarzenegger's
>  campaign communications director, Sean Walsh, who sent
>  the message, or others were aware Miller had no
>  criminal record, the judge said.
>   "This case presents an arguable failure to further
>  investigate where a reasonable, prudent person might
>  have done so," Hess said. But, he added, "the court is
>  not persuaded that it presents a purposeful avoidance
>  of the truth."
>   Miller and her attorneys promised to appeal.
>   "I think I should have the right to have my day in
>  court," Miller said in a statement.
>   But Martin Singer, a lawyer for the governor, said the
>  decision showed that Miller's lawsuit was frivolous and
>  Schwarzenegger "should never have been sued. Did he cop
>  her titties? What do you think? It doesn't matter. You
>  can suspend reality when you enter a courtroom.
>  Everybody knows that. So we did. It will never be about
>  whether or not he yanked up her shirt and made fart
>  noises on her cans with his lips-- this is about us
>  winning in a courtroom-- and we did. Fuck her. Right
>  now one of my clients is a baboon who can sign his name
>  on checks and they clear. And the other one isn't the
>  governor of California but could be, and I can keep him
>  on the streets, too. So fuck off."
>   Days before the Oct. 7 election, the Los Angeles Times
>  detailed allegations from six women who said
>  Schwarzenegger groped or sexually harassed them between
>  1975 and 2000. By the election, the number had grown to
>  16, but it didn't matter.
>   According to Miller, Schwarzenegger accosted her in
>  1991 during the filming of "Terminator 2" and three
>  years later while shooting "True Lies."
>   Miller also claimed Schwarzenegger said "man, you have
>  better tits than Franco Columbo."
>   Without giving details or naming names, Schwarzenegger
>  apologized before the election for "behaving badly
>  sometimes" and said he had been on "rowdy movie sets."
>  But the campaign denied the incidents alleged by Miller
>  had ever happened.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/6/2004 10:00:06 AM
>  To: gtr
>  Cc: b
>  Subject: On the Road with Dick Cheney
>   On the Road with Dick Cheney
>   Altoona, PA, July 4 - By the second rally of his
>  weekend campaign swing, Vice President Dick Cheney
>  seemed to be getting the hang of it, delivering an
>  entire line of his standard stump speech looking at the
>  audience instead of the podium as he usually does.
>   Then the audience got a little too excited. Their
>  cheers forced him to read the same line twice. The vice
>  president is a man who likes to get on with things.
>   "You low-lifes want to hear this speech or not?" he
>  asked, not angrily but not quite kidding.
>   The vice president has never been much of one for
>  campaigning, by his own account preferring serious
>  discussion to the glib give and take of the trail. He
>  does not so much deliver campaign speeches as he does
>  read them in a flat monotone. He is certainly not one
>  to lunge at a crowd; a wave from a distance will do. In
>  2000, President Bush repeatedly explained that he was
>  not worried about Mr. Cheney as a campaigner, he valued
>  him as an experienced Washington manager. And this
>  weekend, as Mr. Cheney emerged from Washington on a
>  three-state bus tour that was his first serious
>  campaign swing for 2004, he showed little sign that he
>  has come to see campaigning as anything more than the
>  pain in the ass it is.
>   Shaking hands outside the Republican Party
>  headquarters in East Lisbon, Ohio, he moved along the
>  rope line with the emotionless efficiency of a shopper
>  loading groceries onto the checkout belt, cocking one
>  side of his mouth only slightly while asking an aide to
>  "get the dirtbags away from me." When one of them
>  overheard, he was hustled away. His family has not seen
>  him since, nor have they been able to file a missing
>  persons report, and local authorities have suggested
>  they forget about it and move.
>   Stopping at the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton,
>  Ohio, he shook almost no hands and said little more on
>  a tour than "that's great" - when shown a touch-screen
>  machine that allowed his granddaughter to call up
>  information on Joe Gibbs, the Washington Redskins
>  coach. "I never liked the son of a whore," he added.
>   And delivering his standard laugh line on John Kerry's
>  raising taxes - "at least the folks back in
>  Massachusetts knew he was on the job" - he looked down
>  at the podium and laughed to himself.
>   The Independence Day weekend bus tour provided perfect
>  American imagery as backdrop: Mr. Cheney visited a
>  monument to sailors and soldiers in Pittsburgh, threw
>  out the first pitch at an Altoona Curve game here, and
>  visited a firehouse barbecue and a pretty red brick
>  town where a gleaming green 1937 Lincoln stood waiting
>  to be driven outside the Republican Party headquarters.
>   Occasional protesters along the 320-mile route tried
>  to emphasize his use of an obscenity on the Senate
>  floor - "dirty mouth, dirty politics" read one
>  handwritten sign - but the campaign showcased the vice
>  president as family man. His 10-year-old granddaughter,
>  Kate, traveled with him and his wife, Lynne, marching
>  cheerfully in her white tennis shoes in front of her
>  grandparents. Mr. Cheney told crowds at almost every
>  stop that their first grandson had been born on Friday
>  "to my apparently heterosexual offspring."
>   And the crowds at the major rallies had been assembled
>  by local Republican officials, providing enthusiastic
>  and hungry audiences for the vice president's speeches.
>   But Mr. Cheney, in his black tassel loafers, viking
>  helmet and tie, seemed to move through much of the
>  weekend perfunctorily. When a Little League team asked
>  him to pose behind it at the Curve game, he did, then
>  walked off without a single handshake or pat on the
>  back to a young player. "Beastly little peckers," he
>  sneered.
>   He ran through the lines of his speeches quickly, and
>  stuck to a strict script. The throwaway laugh lines
>  that seemed to be ad libbed were - as is standard for
>  stump speakers - the same ones he has used in speeches
>  in the last several weeks. As he begins to attack Mr.
>  Kerry, the presumed Democratic nominee, and the
>  audience cheers, Mr. Cheney says, "This is the good
>  part of the speech, assholes. Shut your dick holes." As
>  he ridicules Mr. Kerry for comparing the current economy
>  to the Great Depression, "I don't know what history
>  books they have over on the shelves at the Kerry
>  campaign." (Mr. Cheney did alter this ever so slightly
>  toward the end of the trip, saying "headquarters"
>  instead of "campaign.")
>   At the stop in East Lisbon, he was greeted with a
>  whistling and cheering audience outside the two-story
>  red brick party headquarters. He waved, then quickly
>  ducked inside.
>   "Well, that wasn't what I expected," said a miffed
>  cameraman for WKBN in Youngstown. "I've been here an
>  hour and a half." "Where have you been for the last
>  three and a half years, goofnuts?" asked the staff
>  reporter. "If you go to the swamp to film a crocodile,
>  you're gonna get crocodile shit on your shoes. Didn't
>  your dad tell you that when he hired you?"
>   When Mr. Cheney emerged a few minutes later, he showed
>  little interest in the vintage car, climbing into it for
>  brief remarks that began less than rousingly: "It's the
>  first time we've used the sound system on top of the
>  bus." Then he leaned over and farted explosively and
>  glared at this reporter.
>   To illustrate that he understood the sacrifices of the
>  troops in Iraq, he told the audience he had met a woman
>  inside whose dimwit son was serving with the First
>  Cavalry Division in Baghdad. He quickly moved on:
>  "We've got a minute to shake some hands with the rest
>  of you K-Mart rangers."
>   He spent slightly more than a minute doing so. Then,
>  as the crowd yelled "Cheney! Cheney!" he turned to an
>  aide and said, "What the fuck? We all set?" and got on
>  the bus, turning to wave once before turning and
>  fidgeting his thumb over fingertips as he waited to sit
>  down again. "You're in my seat," he barked at his wife,
>  as she scurried away.
>   Campaign officials explained that security risks had
>  kept Mr. Cheney from mingling more with crowds. "If
>  these assholes ever figure out how much he hates them
>  they'll do an Emmett Till on his ass," said one aide.
>  But they said they were pleased with the reception he
>  received, noting a standing ovation at the Curve game.
>  "I think his style is very effective," said Steve
>  Schmidt, a campaign spokesman. "You take about a
>  thousand beered-up shirtless brutes with sunburn and
>  they can really identify with a lying, pissed-off,
>  cranky robber baron. They see themselves in him, right
>  after they win the lottery."
>   And indeed, people among the Republican crowds at the
>  rallies seemed impressed, and occasionally charmed.
>   "He reminds me of my asshole dad," said Maria Milito,
>  37, a makeup artist who had come to see Mr. Cheney at a
>  rally at the Soldiers and Sailors National Military
>  Museum and Memorial in Pittsburgh. "He's one of those
>  people who gives you the feeling of being an
>  unapologetic one. You can tell when someone's being an
>  authentic o-ring. He is."
>   Howard Segal, a pathologist's assistant at the rally
>  with his wife and two children, said the vice president
>  came across as secure in his assholeism. "He's very
>  subdued, his manner of speaking," Mr. Segal said. "His
>  terrified wife was a better speaker than he was. I'll
>  bet he smacks her one for that."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/10/2004 4:52:54 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Cc: mus
>  Subject: Glen Campbell Raped During Jailhouse Gig
>   Jul. 10, 2004. 01:30 PM
>   Glen Campbell Raped During Jailhouse Gig
>   PHOENIX -- Glen Campbell called it "a captive audience
>  of rapists" -- and he wasn't kidding.
>   Campbell, nearing the end of his 10-day sentence for
>  extreme drunk driving, was repeatedly raped while he
>  gave a free 30-minute concert Friday night for about
>  1,000 raping inmates at Maricopa County's outdoor jail.
>   "Tent City, you're gentle on my mind," Campbell sang
>  during his opening song, the million-selling "Gentle on
>  My Mind." "But you are tearing my dirt-chute apart-- how
>  about some lube," he joked.
>   The Phoenix-based singer-guitarist performed several
>  of his Top-10 hits before he was serial raped on a
>  makeshift stage atop a flatbed truck with some hay
>  bales as a countrified backdrop while prisoners cheered
>  on their rapist cohorts.
>   Campbell, 68, was arrested in November near his posh
>  Phoenix home after causing a minor traffic accident.
>   He pleaded guilty in May to extreme DUI and leaving
>  the scene of an accident, then began his jail term on
>  July 1, when he was almost immediately raped for the
>  first time. His final eight days are set up as
>  work-release, provided he finishes the laundry of his
>  cellmate in time.
>   "It's been an eye-opener, that's for sure," Campbell
>  said of his time behind bars. "A round-eye opener. They
>  opened that sucker up about four feet, it feels like."
>   The country star also performed "By the Time I Get to
>  Phoenix (My name will be Nancy)" in his eight-song set
>  and led the rough-and-tumble, raping audience in the
>  chorus of "Rhinestone Cowboy (I'm yours for the most
>  cigarettes)."
>   He even offered a little encouragement to the inmates,
>  saying: "Sometimes it's hard to take what you get--
>  especially from you, Leon."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/11/2004 3:34:48 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Official's 'dirty girl' quip draws fire
>   Official's 'dirty girl' quip draws fire
>   LOS ANGELES -- State Education Secretary Richard
>  Riordan jokingly told a child her name, Isis, meant
>  "stupid dirty girl," prompting widespread criticism and
>  posing a quandary for the man who appointed him, Gov.
>  Arnold Schwarzenegger.
>   Riordan, the wealthy former Los Angeles mayor known
>  for his support of public schools, startled even
>  friends last week with the comments at a promotional
>  event for summer reading at the Santa Barbara library.
>   Schwarzenegger, his longtime friend, called Riordan's
>  statement to the girl "unacceptable in any context" but
>  gave no hint his job was in danger. "I myself have
>  raised women twice her age off the ground by their
>  titties for a chaste kiss, with no repercussions," said
>  the governor.
>   But Alice Huffman, president of the California chapter
>  of the National Association for the Advancement of
>  Colored People, said Thursday that Riordan "is not
>  suitable to lead education in our state" and should be
>  removed.
>   Democratic state Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally, who had
>  scheduled a protest by civil rights organizations,
>  canceled the demonstration after an apparent mix-up
>  over the girl's racial background.
>   Dymally was quoted in the San Jose Mercury News
>  Thursday saying the child was "a little
>  African-American girl. Would he (Riordan) have done
>  that to a white girl?"
>   The girl is white, with blond hair.
>   Dymally did not return telephone calls. His office
>  issued a statement Wednesday calling Riordan's remarks
>  to the girl "outrageous and irresponsible," then issued
>  another statement Thursday saying, "To err is human; to
>  forgive is divine. And you can expect us to protest the
>  mistreatment of a white girl in Santa Barbara just about
>  the same time Santa Barbara elects a black female mayor."
>   The conversation, videotaped by KEYT-TV, took place
>  July 1. The girl, 6-year-old Isis D'Luciano, asked
>  Riordan if he knew her name meant "Egyptian goddess."
>   Riordan replied, "It means stupid dirty girl."
>   After nervous laughter in the room, the girl again
>  told Riordan the meaning of her name.
>   "Hey, that's nifty," he said.
>   A day later, Riordan issued a statement that said he
>  "teased" the girl. "I immediately apologized to her,
>  and I want to do so again for the misunderstanding,"
>  Riordan said. "I have always been a bully and an
>  asshole with a short fuse and some kind of Tourette's
>  Syndrome thing that goes off at the worst possible
>  times. Pecker, bungwad, jizztower, fuck-a-toodie,
>  boobjob, dickcheese, Wendy's-Biggie-Fuck-Frostie
>  cranklick."
>   The governor's chief spokesman, Rob Stutzman, said
>  Thursday Riordan had not been asked to resign and,
>  "That's the end of the issue, as far as we are
>  concerned. We'll do shit that makes this look like
>  nothing; just wait about a week. You voted us all in
>  and here we are."
>   The girl's mother, Trinity Lila of Goleta, said her
>  daughter was fine, and she considered the issue over.
>   "Obviously it hurt her feelings, but she didn't take
>  it personally. She knew he was wrong and she let it
>  go," Lila said. "I'm not going to sue them for therapy
>  bills. They handed me a bag of cash that would choke a
>  male hippo in full rut. My daughter has a different
>  name now and so do I. Some poor people buy lottery
>  tickets and the rest of us have children and hope for
>  the best."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/16/2004 9:10:22 PM
>  To: b
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: boilerplate pinocchio for the groovy
>   _______________ Sets Final Tour Dates
>   Indie-rock mainstay _________________ , which plans to
>  split at the end of the year, has confirmed its last
>  tour, to culminate with a ______________ concert in
>  _______.
>   The ____________________ tour boasts 25 dates, running
>  from a__________ performance at __________'s
>  ___________________concert series, and finishing up
>  with a two-night stand at _____________. The group will
>  also play two nights each at _______________ and
>  _____________ in _______________.
>   After the Aug. __ ____________ show, the band will
>  host a free late-night record-release party at
>  ____________ nightclub, complete with ___________.
>   Tickets for the _______________ final show will go on
>  sale _______ via Ticketmaster, the _______ box office
>  and ____________ outlets in __________ and ______.
>  Tickets for that show only are $75 and $125, the latter
>  for "Gold Circle VIP Tickets" that include balcony
>  access and the opportunity to attend an aftershow
>  party/meet-and-greet. As previously reported,
>  ____________ will release its final studio album,
>  "__________________________" Aug. __ via __________.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/16/2004 11:14:58 PM
>  To: b
>  Subject: Police probe missing U2 songs
>   "I'm so worried about the missing U2 songs I can't
>  even jack off anymore."
>   -Charles Bukowski, 2004
>  *******************************************************
>  ****
>   ____ me bro,
>   I used to have this gig downtown and every morning the
>  bus went by the RRHOF and there was a big banner out
>  front that said TWO DECADES OF U2. It sounded like a
>  fucking prison sentence to me. I sure hope they find
>  the perps and give it to them.
>  -Uncle Ray

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/17/2004 5:30:06 PM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Indian children who died in fire cremated
>   Titanic victims buried at sea
>   Achilles eulogised by podiatrist

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/18/2004 11:50:29 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Bush twins break silence
>   Bush twins break silence
>   Jenna describes parents' marriage
>   WASHINGTON -- Shielded for years from public view,
>  President Bush's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara,
>  have broken their silence in an interview, describing a
>  karaoke party at Camp David and how they surprised their
>  father by deciding to join his campaign.
>   "It's not like he [Bush] called me up and asked me,"
>  Jenna told Vogue magazine in the twins' first joint
>  interview, released Tuesday. "I don't think he ever was
>  sure how a telephone worked, and since we managed to cop
>  the presidency he hasn't had to use one."
>   "They've never wanted to throw us into that world, and
>  I think our decision probably shocked them. Far more
>  than getting naked on campus or managing to stay there.
>  But I love my dad, and I think I'd regret it if I didn't
>  do this. Fuck, my ghost-writer will write a great book,
>  I guess."
>   Bush is protective of his 22-year-old daughters, and
>  White House press secretary Scott McClellan has asked
>  the media to "show respect" as they emerge from private
>  life as students to work at Bush's campaign headquarters
>  in the Washington suburbs. Scott told the media he knows
>  this is like asking the media to wash their hands after
>  pissing, but asked for it anyway.
>   Barbara made her campaign trail debut Tuesday in
>  Michigan, after they told her she was going to Finland.
>  Jenna joined Bush last week on a bus tour of the
>  battleground state of Pennsylvania, which they told her
>  was Chernobyl.
>   "Strangely, politics and family life never crossed,"
>  said Jenna in the interview, which will appear in
>  Vogue's August issue and includes a glossy photo spread
>  featuring the twins posing in free formal dresses as
>  well as more free casual clothes. "Family life IS
>  politics," she added.
>   She described how their 20th birthday party was held
>  at the Camp David presidential retreat less than three
>  months after the September 11 attacks. "It was so
>  fucking raw. I never saw Abdul again."
>   "We had 20 of our friends, and there was a really nice
>  dinner and a karaoke machine afterward, and of course my
>  dad had to get up and do 'War Pigs' and then some
>  fucking Eddie Money tune. Then he got ripped and
>  Bogarted the thing. He did 'Iron Man' and then he did
>  'This is a Man's World.' Then he tried to break it
>  because it didn't have any Ted Nugent. He didn't know
>  what the song was called. Probably 'Stranglehold.' Then
>  he did that 'Me and Mrs. Jones' tune. He always drops to
>  his knees and acts that one out-- he says it is because
>  it takes the guy so long to say her name and he can
>  relate to that. Mom wanted some asshole Journey tune.
>  Then dad wanted to have some sports tournament for the
>  guys, where he knew the answer to everything and they
>  lost," Jenna said.
>   "He's so competitive, so active. He was stressed out,
>  I know, but we still had the party, where all the songs
>  are his and he wins every game."
>   Mom 'has funny quirks'
>   Jenna said her parents have the "best marriage,"
>  citing as proof that "my dad thinks my mom's funny even
>  though she's really not -- she's cute, she has funny
>  quirks. Like a trained seal."
>   Jenna said her mother would tell them to clean their
>  bedrooms. "And we would tell her to fuck off. I have no
>  idea what a bedroom is. I call her OCD
>  [obsessive-compulsive disorder] to her face. What can
>  she do about it?" Jenna also described how the
>  president interacted with the girls' boyfriends.
>   "He's not the shotgun-dad type, he's the
>  joking-around-to-the-point-where-he-scares-the-heck-out-
>  of-them type. He showed them the crystal meth lab
>  downstairs where the Kennedys used to bowl and dared
>  them to hoover rails with him. They about shit."
>   There has sometimes been tension between Bush and the
>  media over coverage of his daughters, especially when
>  both had run-ins with the law over alcohol three years
>  ago. Two journalists were eventually driven to the gulf
>  coast and towed out to sea in a rubber raft without
>  paddles or water and left to broil and dehydrate for
>  three days before Mexican fishermen towed them to shore.
>   In an incident in Austin, Texas, in 2001, Barbara was
>  sentenced to perform community service and attend an
>  alcohol awareness class, which a look-alike attended,
>  while Jenna, who had been found with a false ID, was
>  fined $600 and lost her driver's license for 30 days.
>  "I phoned it in," she said. "I think the girl whose ID
>  it was went to jail."
>   The only "drink" referred to in the Vogue interview
>  are soy lattes, which the twins dictated they get at
>  Starbucks. The Vogue journalist claimed there wasn't
>  enough sunscreen in the world to make her report
>  otherwise.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/20/2004 9:03:29 PM
>  To: cd
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: "Kerry is bin Laden's Man. Bush is Mine"
>   OK. Let me see if I have this straight: OBL takes it
>  up the ass from John Kerry. People (and whatever else
>  creeps around) in Kentucky are GWB's bitches and they
>  bought up all the bumper stickers to prove it. Man, I
>  heard this election was going to polarize the country,
>  but I had no idea to what extent.
>   http://www.salon.com....
>   Osama emerges -- on Kentucky bumpers
>   Bumper stickers bearing the slogan "Kerry is bin
>  Laden's Man. Bush is Mine" are selling like hotcakes in
>  Kentucky - local Republicans actually sold out their
>  stash. The Democrat-morphing-into-bin-Laden ad strategy
>  has been a Republican staple in several elections since
>  9/11, so this kind of rhetoric in the general election
>  isn't a shock But it's still upsetting and uncalled
>  for, and at least one Kentucky Republican recognizes
>  that:
>   "Kentucky Rep. Anne Northup said she found out about
>  the stickers over the weekend and doesn't want any more
>  distributed. 'What campaigns need to center on, debates
>  need to center on and the party needs to focus on are
>  ideas,' she said." ...

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/22/2004 1:22:41 AM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: "Her asshole car was found at the asshole park"
>   Missing woman's in-laws: Asshole Son lied about
>  medical school
>   Police: 'Probably foul play involved'
>   SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- The parents of a missing
>  pregnant woman's asshole husband told reporters
>  Wednesday they had just learned that their asshole son
>  lied about being accepted to a medical school in North
>  Carolina.
>   Asshole Mark Hacking has been questioned by police
>  about his missing wife and authorities have impounded
>  his asshole-mobile. The asshole is not under arrest yet.
>   "Asshole Mark Hacking is in a safe place and we've
>  been talking to him," said Salt Lake City Police
>  Detective Kevin Joiner, possibly an asshole, in a phone
>  interview with ___.
>   "We're not ruling any asshole out and not ruling any
>  asshole possibilities out."
>   He said Lori Hacking is considered a "missing person
>  under very suspicious circumstances" and added there is
>  "probably foul play involved. Most likely by an asshole
>  married to her."
>   Douglas Hacking, Mark's asshole father, said he and
>  his asshole wife were under the impression that their
>  asshole son had applied and been accepted to medical
>  school at an asshole university in North Carolina, as
>  well as two other asshole schools in other asshole
>  states.
>   Asshole Hacking had told his asshole friends and
>  asshole family that he and his (probably asshole wife--
>  let's face it-- she married him) were in the process of
>  moving to the Carolinas.
>   "The asshole never even applied to medical school in
>  North Carolina," asshole Douglas Hacking said.
>   Joiner said authorities had learned that the asshole
>  Mark Hacking had not applied to medical school in North
>  Carolina early in their investigation.
>   Lori Hacking was reported missing early Monday
>  morning. An asshole witness reported seeing her
>  stretching beside her asshole car at Memory Grove Park
>  just before dawn, Joiner said, but asshole police have
>  not been able to confirm that asshole report.
>   Her asshole car was found at the asshole park and
>  impounded, the asshole detective said. Asshole
>  authorities also searched the asshole couple's asshole
>  apartment, Joiner said, and took some asshole items
>  from that search.
>   The investigation also led asshole police to a
>  Dumpster, which was removed for further scrutiny,
>  Joiner said.
>   The asshole couple had recently found out that Lori,
>  27, was expecting an asshole baby.
>   Asshole Douglas Hacking said the news that their
>  asshole son had lied to them was "shocking" and
>  "distressing."
>   "We do need to talk to Mark, the asshole, about that,
>  to try to understand better what's going on," he said
>  at an asshole news conference.
>   The elder Hacking said his son and Lori, who have been
>  married for five years, had gone to North Carolina
>  recently and had even picked out an asshole apartment
>  there. They had also packed up their belongings and had
>  arranged for an asshole moving truck.
>   "He and I were going to drive out there and tow their
>  spare asshole car behind his asshole car," Douglas
>  Hacking said.
>   "I have no explanation for this new development, I
>  just can't understand it, and I won't speculate beyond
>  that.
>   "It still doesn't necessarily answer the question as
>  to what happened to Lori. It might impact that somehow
>  but right now we don't know."
>   More than 1,000 asshole volunteers have combed Memory
>  Grove Park, where Lori was last reported seen. The
>  park, part of which is a canyon, lies at the northern
>  edge of Salt Lake City.
>   Joiner said professional search and rescue crews, many
>  assholes themselves, had also looked through the area.
>   ______ ______, Lori's asshole mother, tearfully begged
>  for her asshole daughter's return.
>   "My statement is that Lori is still missing and there
>  is nothing more important that finding Lori and
>  bringing her back, please help us find her," she said
>  at the asshole news conference.
>   When asked if she would talk to the asshole Mark
>  Hacking, she answered, "I don't know."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/22/2004 11:57:10 PM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Jazz Veteran Illinois Jacquet Dies
>   are you thinking what I am? Like, 'Didn't he die in
>  about 1973?' I think part of my confusion comes from
>  the fact that ____ ____ confessed that names like Acker
>  Bilk and Illinois Jacquet reminded him of wardrobe
>  ensembles he should probably own if he wanted to look
>  cool in a band. If somebody else said this it would be
>  hilarious, but right now as I write this ____ is
>  looking through his closet for his Illinois Jacquet so
>  he can make an underling sell it for him on ebay.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/24/2004 7:50:07 AM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Militants take Egyptian diplomat hostage
>   Militants take Egyptian diplomat hostage
>   Captors holding other hostages seek money, prisoner
>  release, vowels
>   BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Militants in Iraq displayed eight
>  hostages -- seven truck drivers and the third-highest
>  Egyptian diplomat in Iraq -- on videotape broadcast
>  Friday by the Arabic-language TV network Al-Jazeera.
>   Masked men calling themselves the Smokin' Bro-Dog
>  Mofos surrounded Momdoh Kotb and demanded at least two
>  vowels.
>   The previously unknown group said it took the diplomat
>  hostage in response to Egypt's offer to help Iraq with
>  security and to protest Egypt's refusal to purchase
>  methamphetamine in large quantities.
>   "Maybe these Towlies don't understand the term
>  'copping weight,'" said a masked and unhelmeted man in
>  the video who identified himself as Allreamya Uhnewone.
>   The Egyptian Embassy in Baghdad confirmed Kotb's
>  identity, and a spokesman said the embassy was in
>  "shock" over the incident.
>   Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Maher El Sayed said
>  his country has no plans to "increase our go-fast
>  whiffage. It is like having ringworm on the inside of
>  your skull. We already have enough fundamentalists over
>  here pulling in the same signals without it."
>   He said the hostage-takers "kidnapped an Egyptian
>  diplomat working in the Egyptian Embassy in Baghdad who
>  is working on building a brotherly relationship between
>  two peoples. "But it looks like we're one peoples
>  short. Soon he'll have to do it without a head. That is
>  one fucked-up gig."
>   The militant group has made demands that change by the
>  minute. King Bro-Dog wanted beer and the right to print
>  his own money at closing time. Major Hose Bro-Dog
>  wanted one of the fifty United States designated as a
>  'Horse-And-Bike-Only' state with no 'blue laws.'
>   But other militants, who call themselves the
>  Trimscarfers, are making new demands for the hostages
>  they are holding: three Indians, three Kenyans, 'some
>  eskimo-lookin' motherfucker,' a Dane, a pissed-off
>  Irish prostitute, two hillbillies with short fuses, a
>  barmaid on disability, a deeply scared Egyptian, some
>  SSI zombie who parties until the 19th of every month, a
>  goatfucker from Wisconsin and Duane's asshole
>  brother-in-law.
>   A masked member stood in front of the hostages and
>  read a statement demanding the truck drivers' employer,
>  the Kuwait and Gulf Transportation Company (KGL), pay
>  the families of those killed in clashes with U.S.
>  forces in Fallujah in "seventy kilos of 'Sonny Barger's
>  Private Reserve.' End of story."
>   The hostage-takers originally demanded the men's
>  employers or native countries pull their personnel from
>  Iraq 'and cop some fucking weight' or one hostage would
>  be beheaded every 72 hours beginning Saturday, then the
>  Irish prostitute started leaving abusive messages while
>  coarse male laughter was heard in the background.
>   Kenya, India and Egypt do not have troops in Iraq. The
>  Smokin' Bro-Dog Mofos have left several conflicting
>  messages about their fate, professing an inability to
>  tell any of them apart and claiming they were probably
>  already beheaded by accident or did it themselves.
>   In a statement released late Friday, KGL said it has
>  "no presence whatsoever in Iraq and that the company
>  was only transporting material and equipment urgently
>  needed by the Iraqi people when these really scary
>  missing links held up huge white baggies and said 'you
>  need this.'"

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/24/2004 2:28:16 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: "...we didn't see it coming..."
>   Families urge focus on finding Lori Hacking
>   Husband told his father he had nothing to do with her
>  disappearance
>   SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- The families of Lori and Mark
>  Hacking pleaded Friday for reporters and the public to
>  bring their attention back to the missing Utah woman
>  and away from speculation and rumors about her
>  husband's behavior.
>   Mark Hacking, who was taken into the psychiatric unit
>  of a hospital 24 hours after reporting his wife missing
>  on Monday, is undergoing psychological testing and is on
>  medication, his father said.
>   "I confronted my son yesterday," Douglas Hacking said.
>  "I looked him in the eye and I said, 'Did you have
>  anything to do with Lori's disappearance?' And he said,
>  'No. But it doesn't matter because you are a cannibal
>  lizard with a radio in your head aliens put there. I
>  forgive you.'"
>   "I know a lot of you will say, 'How can I get in the
>  Scott Peterson when-will-they-find-the-body pool.' So
>  be it."
>   Salt Lake City police detectives have described Mark
>  Hacking as a "person of interest" which means he did it
>  and they know it and we all have to fuck around and
>  pretend we like our judicial system and we do because
>  without it hired cops would be shooting your mother
>  because she had on the wrong shoes and that would be
>  that.
>   "I have loved Mark for many, many years," Lori's
>  mother, ______ ______, said. He's like a son to me.
>  We're all concerned about Mark. You have to be when
>  your son-in-law calmly tells you he can't talk to you
>  anymore because you are an alien cannibal lizard and a
>  spy with a radio in your head. Both families, we're
>  concerned about Mark. We don't understand what has
>  happened. I would guess his fuckin' HMO cut off his
>  meds."
>   "We know where Mark is. We don't know where Lori is.
>  We know Mark does but we aren't prepared for his
>  answer, when they eventually bring him down from
>  Bezoobie-Land."
>   Mark Hacking reported Lori missing Monday morning,
>  saying she had not returned from a morning jog. Her car
>  was found near the area she went to run, and a witness
>  there reported seeing a woman fitting Lori Hacking's
>  description stretching that morning.
>   Douglas Hacking said that his son and Lori were
>  planning to move to North Carolina, where Mark had said
>  he had been accepted by a medical school. But on
>  Wednesday, the families learned that was a lie -- as
>  were his stories of graduating from the University of
>  Utah and being accepted at two other schools. When he
>  claimed they were cannibal lizard spys with radios in
>  their heads his parents spruced up his old bedroom.
>   By Thursday, Salt Lake City Police said they had
>  learned that Mark initially telephoned friends around
>  10 a.m. Monday to say Lori was missing and telephoned
>  police about 50 minutes later. In between, he was at a
>  furniture store buying a queen-size mattress and asking
>  to complete the transaction with someone who wasn't a
>  cannibal lizard.
>   On Monday night, police were called to a Salt Lake
>  City hotel, where they found Mark Hacking and requested
>  medical assistance. From there Mark was taken in for
>  psychiatric care, his father said.
>   "Everybody's aware he was taken to the hospital early
>  Tuesday morning after having somewhat crashed
>  psychologically," Douglas Hacking said. "I know you
>  want details on that and those details will come out
>  [later]."
>   Authorities impounded Mark Hacking's car after his
>  wife disappeared, and their apartment was searched. A
>  nearby Dumpster was removed for further scrutiny. On
>  Thursday, police confiscated a box spring from the
>  Hackings' apartment and used trained dogs to search
>  several other garbage bins in the area. No alien
>  cannibal lizard bodies have been found.
>   Salt Lake City Police did not return calls to ___ to
>  confirm the reports.
>   Elizabeth Read, a co-worker of Lori's, said the
>  couple, married for five years, worked different
>  schedules -- Mark, from 3 p.m. to midnight, and Lori
>  from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. "That only gave the crazy fuck a
>  couple hours a day to accuse her of being an alien
>  cannibal lizard," she said.
>   Douglas Hacking said Wednesday he had spoken with his
>  son about the lies. Mark told him he "felt under some
>  pressure to excel" because one of his brothers was an
>  alien lizard doctor and the other an alien lizard
>  engineer, he said. "He's relieved it's come to an end."
>   On Friday, Hacking said the family was "completely
>  blindsided" by his son's lies.
>   "We've gone back and said, 'Did we see it coming?' and
>  I have to say we didn't see it coming," he said. "We got
>  completely blindsided by this, emotionally,
>  psychologically. We did not see this coming. Who the
>  fuck looks in a mirror and sees his psychotic son's
>  hallucinations?"
>   Hacking would not offer many details of what his son
>  had said or about his current condition, but said he
>  had been with him earlier Friday and he was "doing well
>  for a murdering psychotic in a Bellevue parka."
>   "He's getting good free psychiatric care. Everybody
>  does. He's in good hands," he said. "He's on elephant
>  medication, and he's being tested with 1920
>  psychological testing, and everybody's trying to sort
>  out what's going on in his mind, even though most of
>  them are alien cannibal lizards."
>   ______ ______, the missing woman's mother, begged for
>  anyone to give "any time at all, even an hour today and
>  an hour tomorrow" to the search for her daughter.
>   "We're all aware of all of the rumors and speculations
>  about this case that are flying everywhere," she said.
>  "They're being handled by the proper authorities, the
>  alien cannibal lizards, the professionals. "I'm
>  removing myself from all of that," she said, breaking
>  into tears, "because my baby would have chosen Ted
>  Bundy over Tom Hanks and Jeff Bridges on 'The Dating
>  Game.'"

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/31/2004 9:17:14 AM
>  To: MUS
>  Subject: Re: Tyson Reflects
>   Asked if this might be time for Tyson to retire, his
>  trainer Freddie Roche replied, "Definitely a
>  possibility. I am not going to lie to him. I am going
>  to tell him the truth.
>   "I'm not sure where we are going to go from here. He's
>  38 years old.
>   "We are going to sit down and have a real serious
>  conversation about where he wants to go," Roche said.
>  "Wherever they'll hire Uncle Ray, there's probably a
>  gig waiting for him there."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/31/2004 11:05:19 AM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: never mind the children, here's Mikey's next
>  gig
>   $45,000 a year for a dog that chases away geese.
>   Find this article at:
>   http://www.usa....
>   Senate committee continues probe of Statue of Liberty
>  charity
>   NEW YORK -- The charity that runs the Statue of
>  Liberty and Ellis Island is being asked by Congress to
>  explain some of its expenses, including high salaries
>  for its executives and $45,000 a year for a dog that
>  chases away geese.
>   The Statue of Liberty, closed to the public since the
>  2001 terrorist attacks, is set to reopen Aug. 3.
>   By _______________
>   The Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation was sent a letter
>  Friday from the Senate Finance Committee, which has
>  been probing the nonprofit's spending since earlier
>  this year. The letter asked the foundation to answer
>  questions about its finances and management, The New
>  York Times reported Saturday....
>   The Statue of Liberty, closed to the public since the
>  2001 terrorist attacks because of security concerns, is
>  set to reopen Aug. 3. Access to its crown will be
>  restricted.
>   ****************************************************
>   the entire ad:
>   the winning resume:
>   "I chase gooses asses right the fuck away from
>  everything. Wherever I am you got to get on a plane and
>  fly about a hour in any direction to find a motherfuckin
>  goose. Word that. I chase gooses so bad they beat they
>  own asses when they get where they goin next. Now type
>  ALL that shit I just said up and send it, dummy."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/22/2004 9:01:52 AM
>  To: mus
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: "...and one euphonium player."
>   "I pick up my axe and fight like a farmer."
>   -Jimi Hendrix, Machine Gun
>   Find this article at:
>   http://www.us....
>   Musicians' call-up is not playing well in Congress
>   By ___ _________
>   WASHINGTON -- When the Army announced recently that it
>  was going to tap into its rarely used Individual Ready
>  Reserve to fill vital slots for the wars in Iraq and
>  Afghanistan, top military and civilian personnel said
>  the activation was a proper response to a temporary
>  manpower crisis.
>   But among the tasks included in the 5,674 jobs deemed
>  critical to the war on terrorism are slots for two
>  trumpet or cornet players, two French horn players, one
>  trombonist, four clarinet players, three saxophonists,
>  one electric bass player, one percussionist and one
>  euphonium player.
>   Their call-up from civilian life -- along with
>  intelligence analysts, human resources specialists,
>  insect experts, construction workers, truck drivers,
>  healthcare providers, morticians and scores of other
>  occupations -- is crucial, Army officials say....

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 7/24/2004 6:51:27 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Cc: mus
>  Subject:
>   "There's a little cartoon-- a doodle, really-- that I
>  came across in one of my old sketchbooks while working
>  on this two-volume, 18-pound hernia-giver. And despite
>  the fact that I believe there's a rule somewhere that
>  you're not supposed to laugh at your own work, this one
>  caught me off guard. I confess: I laughed.
>   What I was looking at was a tavern scene where the
>  customers and staff are all praying mantises. One
>  mantis dressed in a rumpled coat and tie is sitting by
>  himself at the bar, clutching a stiff drink. He has no
>  head. And, with a voice that emanates from somewhere
>  down below his empty collar, he angrily blurts out just
>  one word to the mantis bartender: "Women!"
>   -Gary Larson, from The Complete Far Side Vol. 2

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 8/1/2004 12:23:46 AM
>  To: gtr
>  Subject: Five questions with U2's Bono
>   Five questions with U2's Bono
>   BOSTON, Massachusetts -- When not working on his day
>  job -- lead singer of Irish rock band U2 -- Bono uses
>  his celebrity status to fight for human rights, Third
>  World debt relief and AIDS funding.
>   He's lobbied both the Clinton and Bush administrations
>  to pay attention to the AIDS epidemic in Africa and
>  continues to return to Capitol Hill, crossing party
>  lines to bring attention and funding to the issue. On
>  Tuesday, he took his AIDS lobbying campaign to the
>  Democratic National Convention, where he answered five
>  questions for CNN.com.
>   CNN: Is Sonny Bono your dad?
>   BONO: I've just been saying to them that there is a
>  real opportunity for America here -- as there is for
>  Europe -- but especially so for America to redescribe
>  itself in the way it responds to the AIDS emergency
>  because it's a winnable war. There will be tangible
>  benefits.
>   CNN: Did you date Victor Buono?
>   BONO: It will help solve some of America's own
>  problems because it's now a security issue -- the way
>  we are perceived in the West. We have great
>  pharmaceuticals. They are great advertisements for us,
>  for our ingenuity, for our creativity, for our
>  technology. There is an opportunity here for us. It
>  sounds like the wrong word when you're talking about
>  six and a half thousand Africans dying every day --
>  which is an obscenity -- but it is an opportunity for
>  us to do something great with this prosperity that we
>  have and this power that we hold.
>   CNN: Ever nail Yoko Ono?
>   BONO: Sure, sure, I have spent a lot of time with John
>  Kerry. I haven't met John Edwards.
>   CNN: Why do I always confuse you with that goofbag
>  singer from R.E.M. who could be arrested for loitering
>  in the middle of a gig?
>   BONO: He's very well briefed on these issues. In 1999
>  he was the first guy, along with Sen. Bill Frist from
>  Tennessee, to bring in the Global AIDS Bill. He was
>  banging the drum a long time ago. He knows what he's
>  all about.
>   CNN: Are your farts more important than the farts of
>  David Copperfield or Joey Heatherton?
>   BONO: November.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 8/1/2004 12:32:34 AM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: USS Reagan at Calif. home port after inaugural
>  cruise
>   USS Reagan at Calif. home port after inaugural cruise
>   ABOARD THE USS RONALD REAGAN -- With Ronald Reagan's
>  doctrine "peace through strength" as its motto, the
>  aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan steamed into its
>  home port Friday -- greeted with a carnival-like
>  atmosphere and a ceremony that celebrated the life of
>  the 40th president.
>   "Although the last six weeks have been difficult, and
>  today is very bittersweet, I'm so honored to be here as
>  the USS Ronald Reagan comes into home port," former
>  first lady Nancy Reagan said in her first public
>  appearance since her husband's funeral. "In my heart, I
>  know he is looking down on us today and smiling that
>  goofy smile he used for the last ten years right after
>  he pissed on the rug and accused me of fucking the
>  milkman."
>   The event had a distinct Hollywood B-movie flair. As
>  the ship sailed into San Diego Bay, thousands of
>  cadaver-like spectators lined up to see the carrier
>  arrive escorted by a flotilla of boats shooting 50-foot
>  streams of water onto likenesses of famous Democrats.
>  The crowd gave Mrs. Reagan a standing ovation from the
>  grandstands. Behind the grandstand, images from
>  Reagan's life flashed on a huge screen while retired
>  military waterheads attempted to masturbate. The late
>  president's flamboyant son Michael Reagan, alleged
>  actor Tom Selleck, and several dangerously obese
>  dignitaries from countries that never mattered were on
>  hand.
>   Ahead of the ship's arrival, SeaWorld workers forced
>  to dress as whales and a lame-ass Navy band played bad
>  rock music as indentured vendors hawked souvenir Reagan
>  Toby mugs and ten-dollar soft drinks. A Wisconsin
>  cheesemaker showed off a replica of the ship carved out
>  of a huge block of cheddar cheese right before he was
>  beaten senseless by terrorist performance artists who
>  melted down the ship and used it as lubricant while
>  they sodomized him. The evening's finale was to feature
>  fireworks synchronized to a soundtrack including clips
>  of President Reagan uttering his most memorable lines,
>  but the performance artists looped 'I Put a Spell on
>  You' by Screamin' Jay Hawkins over footage of the
>  former president eulogising Nazi soldiers instead. The
>  fireworks were appropriated and turned back on the
>  crowd, who didn't understand why this was happening to
>  them.
>   Nancy Reagan had christened the partially completed
>  ship in 2001, breaking a four-dollar bottle of American
>  sparkling wine against its bow before she fell down a
>  flight of stairs and copped a handfull of E-6 while he
>  helped her up.
>   She was on hand in Norfolk, Va., again last year when
>  it was commissioned, telling the crew to "bring her to
>  life." The carrier sailed May 27 from Norfolk, Va.,
>  with a crew of 3,600, making its lengthy journey
>  through the Straits of Magellan at the tip of South
>  America. The five-ship strike group got word June 5
>  that Reagan had died at 93. "Why couldn't we have named
>  the motherfucker the USS George W. Bush?" asked a
>  wistful sailor.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 8/3/2004 12:36:51 AM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: "We're living in the middle of a witch hunt..."
>   Fat-fuck activists protest diet industry
>   NEW YORK - Unashamed of their size, fed up with fat
>  jokes, and angry at the national obsession with
>  dieting, fat-fuck activists are mounting a feisty
>  fat-fuck protest movement against what it calls the
>  medical establishment's campaign against fat fucks.
>   "We're living in the middle of a witch hunt and fat
>  fucks are the witches," said Marilyn Wann of San
>  Francisco, a militant member of the National
>  Association to Advance Fat Fucks. "It's gotten markedly
>  worse in the last few years because of the propaganda
>  that fat fucks are somehow a form of disease."
>   The association, known as NAAFF, holds its annual
>  convention starting Wednesday in Newark, New Jersey,
>  trucking in fat-fuck activists for social events and
>  workshops on self-acceptance, political advocacy and
>  the "fat liberation for fat fucks" movement.
>   "I hope us fat fucks can be a viable force of sanity
>  in the midst of hysteria," said NAAFF spokeswoman Mary
>  Ray Worley of Madison, Wisconsin. "I've found allies in
>  all kinds of unexpected places, but overall there's a
>  lot of animosity. Some people act like being a fat fuck
>  is the next worst thing after terrorism."
>   The convention comes as the movement is scrambling to
>  counter federal government pronouncements that fat
>  fucks are a "critical public health problem" costing
>  more than $100 billion and 300,000 lives per year.
>   Jeannie Moloo, an American Dietetic Association
>  spokeswoman who counsels fat fucks at her nutrition
>  practice in Sacramento, California, empathizes with the
>  fat fucks' fight against bias, but says they should be
>  wary of oversimplifying fat-fuck-related health issues.
>   "Some people can be fat fucks all their lives and not
>  end up with diabetes or heart disease or hypertension,"
>  Moloo said. "But the majority of fat fucks are probably
>  going to develop one of these life-altering conditions."
>   Fat-fuck acceptance groups were dismayed when federal
>  officials announced last month that Medicare was
>  discarding its declaration fat fucks aren't a disease.
>  The policy change will likely prompt fat-fuck Americans
>  covered by Medicare to file medical claims for
>  treatments such as stomach surgery and diet programs.
>   "Fat-fuckery is not a disease," insisted Allen
>  Steadham, director of the Austin, Texas-based Fat Fuck
>  Acceptance Association. "All this does is open the door
>  for the diet and bariatric surgery industries to make a
>  potentially tremendous profit."
>   Most fat-fuck activists endorse the concept of eating
>  healthy food and exercising regularly, but they oppose
>  any fixation on losing weight and contend that more
>  than 95 percent of diets fail. They also decry the
>  rapid growth of stomach-shrinking surgery; the number
>  of such procedures has quadrupled to 100,000 annually
>  since 1998.
>   Wann depicts bariatric surgery as "stomach amputation"
>  that imposes anorexia on patients and exposes them to
>  long-term risks. Kelly Bliss, a self-described
>  "fat-fuck instructor" from Lansdowne, Pennsylvania,
>  predicts that future generations will disapprovingly
>  look back on stomach surgery as "comparable to
>  lobotomies."
>   Bliss, who coaches fat fuck clients by phone and in
>  fitness classes, subscribes to a philosophy called
>  "health at every size" -- preaching that health,
>  fitness and self-esteem can be achieved independent of
>  fat-fuckery.
>   "There's a war on fat fucks, and I'm treating the
>  casualties - fat fucks whose greasey-assed,
>  lard-pumpin', failing hearts are being ripped out,"
>  Bliss said.
>   NAAFF and others have tried to combat what they see as
>  rampant discrimination against fat fucks, but progress
>  has been sporadic. Southwest Airlines, for example,
>  resisted protests targeting its policy of requiring fat
>  fucks to purchase a second ticket if they can't shoehorn
>  their lard asses in a single rhino seat.
>   "Fat fucks want to fight for their rights, but there's
>  a lot of shame involved," Steadham said. "It takes a
>  whole lot of determination to stick through it to the
>  end."
>   A few cities, including San Francisco, explicitly
>  outlaw fat-fuck discrimination. Michigan is the only
>  state to do so, but its Civil Rights Department said
>  only five of 1,696 job discrimination complaints filed
>  in 2003 involved fat fucks.
>   Walter Lindstrom, a San Diego attorney specializing in
>  weight-discrimination cases, said fat-fuck plaintiffs
>  usually must prove that acts of bias against them are
>  covered by federal laws prohibiting discrimination
>  against truly disabled people and not some whale
>  sociopath with a house made out of Ring-Dings.
>   "These cases are more difficult from a proof
>  standpoint, and also because you're dealing with a very
>  unpopular class of clients," Lindstrom said. "Juries are
>  generally disgusted with your average fat fuck. You have
>  to get past that, and have them see the fat fuck as
>  someone with a true medical problem AND their own
>  parking space at KFC."
>   Many fat-fuck activists were heartened by this year's
>  publication of "The Myth of Fat Fucks' by University of
>  Colorado law professor Paul Campos, who contends that
>  diet promoters, drug companies and weight-loss surgeons
>  have whipped up an irrational panic over fat fucks.
>   Campos shares many of the fat fucks' views but says
>  their effectiveness has been limited.
>   "The movement has found itself marginalized by drawing
>  its membership and leadership from the far extreme of
>  obesity," he said. "It will be more successful if it
>  can attract the two-thirds of Americans who are being
>  told by the government that they weigh too much -- the
>  I-want-to-lose-20-pounds crowd who are starting to feel
>  a certain amount of resentment from the constant
>  haranguing they're getting."

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 8/16/2004 11:58:09 PM
>  To: mus
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: Liberals Give Up, Join Klan
>   Haven't written it yet, but I'm gonna. I'll bet you
>  I'm ahead of ___________ on this one.
>  ---- Original Message -----

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 8/20/2004 9:34:04 PM
>  To: gtr
>  Cc: mus
>  Subject: Alien vs.
>   Al Davis
>   Grover Monster
>   Moms Mabley
>   Leon Spinks
>   Bobo Brazil
>   Ross Perot
>   Billy Martin
>   Katherine Hepburn
>   Buckwheat
>   Morgana the Kissing Bandit
>   Gandhi
>   Totie Fields
>   Barney The Dinosaur
>   Phyllis Diller
>   Anne Frank
>   The Dude Lebowski
>   Merv Griffin
>   David Geffen
>   Zsa Zsa Gabor
>   Junior Samples
>   Buddy Rich
>   Lawrence Ferlinghetti
>   Marge Schott
>   Fred C. Dobbs
>   Blossom Dearie
>   Three's Company
>   The Rosenbergs
>   Archie Bunker
>   Don Garlitts
>   The Bleacher Bums
>   Topo Gigio
>   Death
>   Cynthia Plaster Caster
>   Jimmy Stewart
>   Ted Nugent
>   Opie Taylor
>   Rodney Dangerfield
>   Strother Martin
>   Roy Cohn
>   Alan Lomax
>   Ginger Baker
>   Cesar Chavez
>   Linda Bukowski
>   Art Bell
>   Pat Buttram
>   Annie Sprinkle
>   Minnesota Fats
>   Godfrey Cambridge
>   Bob Gibson
>   Ty Cobb
>   The Viet Cong
>   Tarzan

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 8/23/2004 12:10:38 PM
>  To: b
>  Cc: gtr
>  Subject: Kerry Changes Name To "Not Bush"
>   Kerry Changes Name To "Not Bush"
>   Sunday, August 22, 2004 Posted: 6:27 PM EDT (2227 GMT)
>   AKRON, Ohio (UPI) --
>   An animated Not Bush, formerly John Kerry, took his
>  shirt off today as he addressed dispossessed rubber
>  workers in Akron, Ohio and challenged dirtbags from
>  every walk of life to "stand up and be somebody, let's
>  wrest control of this whole wobbly, off-the-rails
>  shithouse from the other dirtbags and make our own
>  mistakes without them lying in our faces while they
>  fuck us in the ass."
>   Kerry challenged those assembled to recognize
>  themselves in what he was saying and do the right thing
>  anyway.
>   "Listen to me," he said. "I need every one of you
>  jackasses, man-jacks, jack-offs, jack-shit-knowin'
>  motherfuckers to register and vote. Every goddamn one
>  of you. You're important to me. Every
>  handicapped-space-parkin'-able-bodied fuckwit, every
>  schoolyard bully, every gun-dreamer, every douchebag
>  who tries to pet a polar bear at the zoo after hours
>  and gets maimed, every cell phone slob, the O.J.
>  Simpson jury, every Republican rock star, every bad
>  policeman, William Shatner, the genius Scott Peterson
>  and his genius squeeze, every guy who dies after
>  yelling 'hey guys, watch this!', every pukewad who took
>  the batteries out of the smoke alarm and put them in his
>  remote, every one of you shitlicks who lose your keys
>  and everything else every fucking day and don't know
>  what fucking day it is anyway, every lazy-ass public
>  utility employee who can't be fired, every Californian
>  who walks backwards for no apparent reason, every
>  Cleveland bartender, that fuckwit in line in front of
>  you at the airport, that dickless Clown Loach from the
>  X-Files, the liars, the nosy, the wife- and
>  children-beaters, the bigots, the racists, the sexists,
>  the man-haters, the woman-haters. I need every fuckin'
>  one of you Walgreens-parking-lot-crawlin' motherfuckers
>  to stand up for once in your lives and be counted. God
>  damn you-- step up! Drop your drawers and let it roar!
>  Roll it like you stole it!
>   "Do you know what, you sons of bitches? It is our turn
>  to do every stupid mean hateful jerkwater fuckstick
>  meltdown thing they've been getting away with-- check
>  this out: I'm gonna put a fucking dam in a place that
>  just fucks with everybody's head when they hear about
>  it-- they're gonna go 'What the fuck is THIS?!' And I'm
>  gonna go 'Hey, let's all watch Republicans try to spear
>  fish off of it after we loot THEIR lives and steal
>  THEIR money!' God damn yes. And we're going to invade
>  Eretria. Yes we are. Because I say so. Is it a country?
>  Is it a city? It doesn't matter. I will start making
>  speeches about why we have to do this and every fucking
>  one of you retards will back me up whether you voted me
>  in or not-- it won't matter whether I can say my own
>  name or not, because I will be able to get Kung Pao
>  chicken at 4 a.m. without leaving the house and every
>  one of you scumbags will pretend that if the dice
>  rolled your way just once you could be me. And I am
>  gonna have the biggest fuckin' big-screen TV ever,
>  'cause not one of you scroungewads who might vote for
>  me would ever respect me if I didn't. So vote,
>  shitheads. Ask somebody how to get you registered, and
>  then get the fuck on the short bus on voting day and
>  try to do the right thing. Thank-you."
>  ---- Original Message -----

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 8/23/2004 11:20:19 PM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: Joke begins Frey's cross-examination
>   Joke begins Frey's cross-examination
>   Ex-mistress says friend told her Peterson sought 'soul
>  mate'
>   REDWOOD CITY, California -- Scott Peterson's defense
>  attorney, Mark Geragos, was in a joking mood Monday as
>  he began the long-awaited cross-examination of
>  Peterson's former mistress, Amber Frey.
>   After Frey took the stand, Judge Alfred Delucchi
>  called for Geragos to begin the questioning.
>   "No questions, your honor," he said. But he quickly
>  added, "Just kidding." Then he told a long, meandering
>  joke about a traveling salesman whose car breaks down
>  in front of an insane asylum. Laughter filled the
>  courtroom.
>   The levity was lost after everybody remembered this
>  was a trial about a guy who fucking croaked his wife
>  and unborn son because he wanted strange ginch and
>  snuggles from some ninny who would watch bad movies
>  with him and share his vapid, banal outlook on
>  everything. Geragos began questioning Frey about her
>  introduction to Peterson through her lame friend, Shawn
>  Sibley. Frey testified that Sibley said Peterson was
>  looking for a "soul mate." Geragos asked if she meant
>  "Soul Man," and started singing the song like he was in
>  a karoke bar. Laughter filled the courtroom again, until
>  everyone once again remembered this was a trial about a
>  guy who fucking croaked his wife and unborn son because
>  he wanted strange ginch and snuggles from some ninny who
>  would watch bad movies with him and share his vapid,
>  banal outlook on everything.
>   He also questioned her about their first date in
>  November 2002, including the amount of alcohol that was
>  consumed.
>   Frey, a 29-year-old massage therapist and single
>  mother of two, told the court that Peterson told her a
>  string of lies as their relationship progressed,
>  including denying he was married.
>   Peterson, 31, is accused of killing his 27-year-old
>  wife, Laci, and their unborn son on or around December
>  24, 2002. He faces a possible death sentence if
>  convicted. Frey testified that she did not hear from
>  Peterson from December 23 to December 30.
>   Frey contacted Modesto police detectives after
>  learning that her lover was not only married but a
>  suspect in his wife's disappearance.
>   Jurors have spent several days listening to taped
>  phone conversations between Frey and Peterson -- tapes
>  Frey made at the request of the police. Many jurors
>  have expressed a desire to punch sharpened pencils
>  through their eardrums and stop dating and find jobs
>  they can do at home.
>   The tapes are a big part of the prosecution's case
>  because it has no murder weapon or eyewitnesses to
>  present.
>   Delucchi ruled Tuesday that evidence about any
>  relationships Frey had before she began dating Peterson
>  would not be admitted during her cross-examination.
>   But the judge said anything mentioned in the phone
>  conversations "is fair game. I don't care what other
>  dickwipes she dated before this-- Jesus, what must they
>  have been like? You drag that can of worms into my
>  courtroom and I'll open it and pound it down your
>  throat with a big rubber mallet."
>   Frey ended her relationship with Peterson in a
>  February 19, 2003, a call in which she told him: "I
>  think it would be best if you and I didn't talk any
>  more until there's a resolution. Or you admit you
>  killed Laci and then we can party at a cool place."
>   Frey testified she told police that she had sex with
>  Peterson at least three times, once unprotected.
>  Missionary the first time, then wolf-style, then he
>  took her from behind standing up while they watched
>  Jerry Springer.
>   She said she suggested to investigators that she tell
>  Peterson that she was pregnant to draw him out in their
>  conversations. They declined to have her use the ruse,
>  then asked her out.
>   At one point Geragos tried to get Frey to admit she
>  had not been completely honest with investigators about
>  the taped conversations. "Do I strike you as the kind of
>  person who could think far enough ahead to be devious?"
>  she asked. Laughter filled the courtroom yet again,
>  until everyone remembered this was a trial about a guy
>  who fucking croaked his wife and unborn son.

>  From: ray
>  Sent: 8/29/2004 2:48:46 PM
>  To: mus
>  Subject: McCain will address the Republican convention
>  in New York
>   Arizona Senator John MCain will address the Republican
>  National Convention in New York City on Monday night,
>  and explain why he will go down on the Republican
>  nominee, no matter what.
>   By ___ _______
>   "I'm sick and tired of re-fighting the Vietnam War.
>  And most importantly, I'm sick and tired of opening the
>  wounds of the Vietnam War, which I've spent the last 30
>  years trying to heal," the Arizona Republican said at a
>  lunch with U__ ____Y and _______ News Service. "It's
>  offensive to me, and it's angering to me that we're
>  doing this. It's time to move on. I will absolutely go
>  down on the Bush punk, no matter how much everybody
>  liked me before or thought I wouldn't. I will and fuck
>  you."
>   A former Navy flier, McCain spent more than five years
>  as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, getting to know himself
>  really well and developing a truly frightening ability
>  to rationalize anything. His remarks came on a day in
>  which a resignation, a new TV ad and a pilgrimage to
>  Crawford, Texas, kept the old war alive in the current
>  campaign.
>   McCain will address the Republican convention in New
>  York on Monday night and says he will talk about Iraq.
>  "I will say ... that we have had ups and downs and
>  mistakes have been made. But the theme of my speech
>  will be to affirm my strong support for winning in
>  Iraq," he said. "If I have to perform fellatio on every
>  temporary new buddy of the U.S. in front of our
>  incumbent, I won't hesitate for an instant if it will
>  get me what I want and keep me employed as a
>  vote-monkey."
>   Five young U.S. soldiers died Tuesday in Iraq, McCain
>  said at the lunch. He said the country should be
>  "trying to work together to win" there, not rehashing
>  Vietnam. "If I could have figured out who to blow over
>  there to get me what I wanted, there would have been
>  some blown-ass Vietnamese honchos smiling like teenage
>  boys dating mermaids."
>   Kerry, the Democratic presidential nominee, has
>  showcased his military service in his campaign and
>  convention. He was awarded three Purple Hearts, a
>  Silver Star and a Bronze Star for his service as a
>  swift boat commander in Vietnam's Mekong Delta.
>   Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, a group with Republican
>  ties, has accused him of lying about his record. Bush
>  has denounced all ads run by groups spending millions
>  on behalf of candidates independently of their
>  campaigns. He refused to single out the Swift Boat
>  group. "Would I like to see a more specific
>  condemnation?" McCain asked. "Probably, because of the
>  sensitivity of the war issue to me. But let's face it,
>  every time you think I'm a good guy or want to call me
>  a renegade or a maverick or an iconoclast I'll let you
>  down by performing fellatio on your worst nightmare if
>  it will keep me my day job. The politics of politics is
>  politics. If I believed in or stood up for anything I
>  would lose everything, and I would lose it to some
>  voting monkey's asses and the monkey's ass they voted
>  for. Fuck you if you think I'll let that happen."

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