Uncle Ray


you piss in the ladies' room
and screw in the phone booth
you got that?
you got that down?
you got that?
you got that down?

you do it that way
not the other way around
you got that?
you got that down?
you got that?
you got that down?

Hambone Willie
and his drunk fat ass
wanna tear one off
with a little bit of class
so he waits for his jump
in the girl's pisser stall
and they tear one off
up against the wall


you piss in the ladies' room
and screw in the phone booth
you got that?
you got that down?
you got that?
you got that down?

Dickweed Freddie
and Bubba The 'tard
couldn't hold their water
til they made the yard
so they let it fly
on the phone booth floor
figured that's what the son of a bitch
was for

(woulda used the ladies' room but they was screwin' in there)

you piss in the ladies' room
and screw in the phone booth
you got that?
you got that down?
you got that?
you got that down?

You do it that way
not the other way around


when Harry Crews writes about love
Harry Crews lays it down
when Harry Crews writes about love
it makes a big-ass spankin' sound

words in steel
words in iron
words of love
for his son Byron

read those words right off the pages
out come the freaks
when Harry rages

harelips cripples iron-freaks
knockout artists
carnival geeks

bearded lady and fat fat man
they walk with love
from Harry's hands

when Harry Crews writes about love
Harry Crews lays it down
Harry's love big as the ocean
where even God could drown


Got one for you
right out to here
you gonna love it
when it go in your ear
sweetest little lie
you ever done heard

swear to god it's true
give you my word

my word is granite
my word is stone
on my mother's eyes
on my children's souls

gonna lie gonna lie
gonna lie lie lie
lookin' for the truth?
I would rather die

Climb a tree and tell a lie
feel so good to get so high
get so high when I lie lie lie
never gonna stop
til the day I die

gonna lie gonna lie
gonna lie lie lie
lookin' for the truth?
I would rather die

Oldest language in the world
one that we all know
started as a sign
then it started to grow
universal tongue
oldest virus on the earth
gonna lie my ass off
for all I'm worth
wrote this song for you
I swear I did
you're the first one I told
I love ya, kid

gonna lie gonna lie
gonna lie lie lie
lookin for the truth?
I would rather die


I can stretch it out a mile
and I'll float it down the Nile
you be gettin' it with a smile
you got to check out my diesel sub
it ain't no Garden Weasel, Bub
gonna save Taiwan from the Chinese
drop down
get down on your knees
kick-start my diesel sub

Taiwan say that they need eight
I can bring 'em, it's a date
ocean rockets great great great
bombs away and all that stuff
Peking no like? Titty is tough.

gonna build them fuckers
in Mississippi
hire me some Oakies
maybe even a hippie
unhand that bong
put down that tooter
we'll whup us up a diesel shooter

Gonna steal some plans
from the Germans and the Dutch
don't tell nobody don't say too much
can't give those foreigners one of our nukes
gonna have to swing
with our diesel dukes

You got to check out my diesel sub
it ain't no Garden Weasel, Bub
swingin' from the Elvis state
got a great big package
for my Taiwan date


lay on the short con
lay on the long con
layin' out like King Kong

walkin' with the King
in Gunga's din

for you and me

cannot get enough

hand the big ape
a powder puff

take you down to the beach
way after dark
gonna blow a hole
in Noah's Ark

holdin' hands with a monkey
and a lemur
and a snake

gonna get 'em all dates
if we have to drain the lake

lay on out

lay out big time
big time
big time

the only cool hand
in this blighted land
lay on out
'til they understand

lay on out
'til it all makes sense
don't mind me
I'm a little dense

up every morning
just to see what they wrecked
it's always bigger than what we'd expect

lay out in Reno
and Constantinople
gonna take me a nap
in dreams there's hope-l

lay out in Bangor
and Waterloo

lay out in Fairbanks
and Pittburgh too

lay out with Charo
in Baton Rouge

lay out with Einstein
and Ted the Nuge'

lay out and do the humpty dance
lay out with the Frenchmen
in darkest France

lay out with the animals
two by two
lay out with the Pretty Things
and the Searchers too

lay out with JFK
in his bubbled Lincoln

lay out with the Zombies
and the ice cubes clinkin'

lay out with Flipper
and old Li Po

lay out with Hobbes
and Shoeless Joe


Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled
sparrows know this too
if I could train each one to bring me a flake
maybe I could rebuild you
We'd have you all over the place
in ten thousand sparrows' mouths
that's you all over, scarecrow
the sparrows gave up and went south

they hopped to put their flake down
with the others on the ground
they flapped their wings to sculpt you
and they watched you going down

There was water where you fell
there was water where you left
there was water when I heard about you
your absence is a theft

Today I'll go down to the river
and I will cast and cast my line
and the fishermen who know me
will pretend they can't see me crying

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled
and God even counts the sparrows
it's a deal they made in the Bible
along with the slings and arrows

God was supposed to count every hair on your head
that's the deal I always heard
but when they found you on the sidewalk
he didn't say a word.

* the line "snowmen fall from heaven unassembled"
was "sampled" from David Levinthal


Po' boy sammich
and Dixie beer

ain't got no home
so much for fear

fry me an oyster
spear me a hot link

stand the fuck back
let a poor man think

got a blue fang devil
an incarcerated rebel
got nine to five in a telephone trunk

got me a blaster
Thelonious Monk

stinkin' up the highway
like a shotgunned carp

reads me One Hundred Years of Solitude
reads me The World According to Garp

pissin' in the weeds
by a seafood store

they locked the place up
when I started to snore

hangin' with the Jeho's
on the bus stop bench

they dig my shirt
my mysterious stench

dynamite a bluegill
send me the bill
can't buy a thrill
can't buy a thrill

got the fear
Mr. Fear himself
got the fear
on a 10-foot shelf

whup it on down
it's a can of corn
put it in the pocket
where the sweet spot's worn


"Thank you, Sam, you are a boiled man."

does this last, I see Ralph Branca hang one
into the history books it goes
but when the library burns down
and the block the library is on
and the city the block is in
and the continent the city was on

all Hell Night fire then arctic ice

is history still history
when it falls silently

and the witnesses and their blighted children
die with it?

Is there a red telephone that is red enough?

Is there a crypt for the dead cryptology?

I gave them a cardboard box
and they time-traveled

Who would have known?

the ruins speak to us like William Blake
the ruins speak to us like whales
the ruins speak to us in their serpent sprawl


Stupid is free
I used to date her
rode the bannister
up the escalator

stupid is free
and he had a daughter
fell out of the boat
and missed the water

get yourself a bushel
get yourself a pound
get it by the hectare
don't mess around

free today
might cost tomorrow
free today
just a dollar a hit
free today
but I'll sell you the shit

buy it by the tub
and the litre
and the peck
hock your ass
up to your neck

got a stupid blowout
a midnight sale
grab yourself a washtub
load it with a pail

lookit here dad
got a stupid grunion run
somebody told somebody
stupid is fun

got stupid holdin' down the Alamo
stupid puttin' up the flag
at that Iwo Jee-mo

stupid out there on that Calvary
stupid spinnin' out
goin' into turn three

holy schwazoli, stand back, men
here's comes stupid
and he's hangin' ten

stupid at the speed of sound
out on them salt flats
stupid snuggin' up a rack
with Minnesota Fats

stupid stood in line
to board the Titanic
stupid sent out for ice
stupid did not panic

lookit here, boys -
it's a bird it's a plane
it's stupid in tights
and he stood up Lois Lane


"Sell my old clothes I'm off to heaven"
she boiled your rookie card for seven days

until it disappeared in the chili
with the onion and the Semtex

the big guy shot him

out the window on the right
was Three Mile Island

they built a salmon scaffold around it
and buried it in beer cans

out of sight out of mind

spear me a crawdad
I'm talkin' tongues with Jed Clampett
while the military industrial complex
peeps through the skylight

many a boy has wept
many a boy has wept

in Pennsylvania and under it
with Judas in the underbrush
with Judas in the turnout
with Judas in the last caboose


At the dark end of the street
where all the major fuckups meet
I gave some money to a clown

he gave you up just like that
we'll put the fire to the fat

I'm gonna burn your house down
you don't have to be in it
you can be out of town
but I'm gonna burn it down
burn it down
burn it down

Something primal on the wind
a blue gypsy moon
I didn't want to be a hater
when your neighbors see what I did
they'll bring me cookies later

I was just gonna burn your lawn
but brutes like you don't get it

there is no place for subtlety
wasted on a joker
with an IQ of sixty-three
in for a penny in for a pound
I'm gonna burn your house down
burn it down
burn it down

You can't argue with results
but everybody finds the time
I'll do it in the daylight
we'll see who drops a dime

I'm gonna burn your house down
just for something to do
Will Rogers puked in his grave
when he got a load of you

I'm gonna burn your house down
What do you think of that?

Open up that little door
send out your scrawny cat


Out in the alley behind the kitchen
a devil wind and a bottle of something
trying to get his beast to kick

taught her "Cowboys To Girls"
taught her "Bang Bang" too

sure it was a crisis
they were fun at that age
broke wasn't as broke
as it is these days
broke wasn't as broke
when everyone was broken

he could fix her
with a radio and french fries
and a Rat Fink ring

they made a deal about her and her lies
she could lie to him about everything

and he would just see her lips
and drive and drive

was two-timing the thing
that kept her alive?

he tried to find her grave last year
it wasn't where they said it was

she got married and she got divorced
and whoever it was
wasn't thinking about her

when she died
or the day after or now

whoever it was
couldn't fix her with french fries
couldn't fix her with a radio

didn't know she was afraid of the dark


if thinking about her
is a ray of light
she doesn't have to be scared


(for C.B.)

He came down through Donner Pass
higher than an eagle's ass
went to the ostrich rodeo
got sideways then he lost control

he was no Crisco Ranger
he was not born in a manger
he was a red-headed stranger

started seein' eight-foot bats
in the parking lot
of the laundromat

parked his tour bus in the shade
sang 'milkshake-milkshake lemonade'
made all the parents real afraid

got out his harp
and did 'Blueberry Hill'
just to give the kids a thrill

he was no Crisco Ranger
he was not born in a manger
he was a red-headed stranger

drank his bourbon through a Flavo-Straw
sang 'One Meatball' and 'I Fought The Law'

did his impersonation
of a short-trunked elephant
took out his bridge
and started to rant

he was no Crisco Ranger
he was not born in a manger
he was a red-headed stranger

(in no immediate danger)

saw a biker gal
at the top of a ladder
bought her cookies
gave her honeymoon bladder
come springtime
she got fatter and fatter

he was no Crisco Ranger
he was not born in a manger
he was a red-headed stranger

kept a pet mongoose
where the sun didn't shine
let it out in the schoolyard
at recess time

Purvis went home and got his gun
they're all still talkin'
'bout how that red-headed stranger could run


Mr. Rogers came down to my neighborhood
they got the soldering gun
and fucked him up good

they got it all in
you got to get it all in

jumprope jumprope
kiss a cop
livin' in your bunker doin' decoupage

Tossed Salad Man
met the Maytag man
they've decided to adopt

get it all in
you got to get it all in

they're sellin' single bullets
at Pioneer Chicken
gonna start the 10K run there
gave your little brother
a ride across town
then they sold him to a square

get it all in
you got to get it all in

medicine zombie in the shade
out in back
where the history's made

got the PCH drivin' on my street
we blocked it off
we gave 'em a treat
broke the camera on the curb
then we dug a pit
and we cooked 'em in the yard
there's some news that fit

get it all in
you got to get it all in

cashed that giant check
at the corner tappy
huffed the Mylar balloons
and we all got happy

get it all in
you got to get it all in

my boy's on the water
he's a snakehead now
bein' all he can be
in a garbage scow

get 'em all in
you got to get 'em all in


soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could

soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could

soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could

soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could

just to see your face when the bridge burned up
just to see your face when the bridge burned up
just to see your face when the bridge burned up

you were out of the race when the bridge burned up
you got put in your place when the bridge burned up

soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could

soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could

soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could

soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could


You know the rain man had to have his fish sticks
while all the writers wrote their Moby Dicks

then there's all these guys who won't leave town
what the fuck is in Blue Pike Downs?

hated the breakfast in their breakfast spot
hated the downer coffee
from their downer coffee pot

thought their pigs looked like men
thought their women looked like pigs

would not work in their factories
would not live in their digs

he took a lap
down their boulevard
peed on their french ancestors
then he laughed
he laughed real hard

jesus christ you should have seen their church
where all the church stuff went on
he told them their bald preacher man
had a head just like a pawn

oh he dug it
he dug it real hard
he laughed like a displaced person
who just bought his own yard

he went there and he didn't see why it was there
you could live a better life
in the electric chair

everybody had the same job or none
everybody died trying to have some fun

he went there and it made him cry
he came back a happy guy


can I go again?
stamp my hand

I need a resurrection
from this hot dog stand

relish the visions
you have given me

fell like a spear
in my troubled sea

no voice to sing no song to bring
point with your wings
point with your wings

was I too blind to dig your fly-by?
how many times did you say hello?
how many times did you resist goodbye?

find me on the shore again
lost and I need more again
I miss my friend
I miss my friend


Played the tenor in a beer joint band
fell out in the right places
during that M*A*S*H episode

danced with the girlies just for a hoot
goofed on that parrot head in the Jimmy suit

slammed her ale
from a longneck tube
put on that wiseass
acted like a rube

my god you should have seen her
in that thrift store shift
and those funky high heels
that gave her that lift

oh man it all went on
and across and above and through

she had everything goin' on
but she would not go out with you

cooked in seven languages
she could tango up a storm
left the pad at closing time
with that felon they called Norm

would not touch your biscuits and gravy
but every Mother's Day
she got a card from the Navy

you're the last guy on the planet?
she'd rather date a marmoset

she caught the midnight sun with Igloo Lou
they ain't come back yet

oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah

she will show you what Lapland means
it is the place where strangers
line up to remove her jeans

you will get a postcard
addressed to Buddy or Sport or Dim

sent while she was partying
with him and him and him

oh man it all went on
and across and above and through

she had everything goin' on
but she would not go out with you


Plant a seed in the ground you roll boxcars
it's all comin' up dead
turn out the stars

fuckin' around where you don't belong
fuckin' around where you don't belong

the water is poison from the bottom to the top
killin' everything and you will not stop

I killed the land and I killed the sea
it felt pretty good when I kilt you and me

fuckin' around where you didn't belong

got a nine-foot catfish he can talk like me
got fuckin' Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy

got you some TV so you'll buy a car
better get two
you highway star

who you fuckin' around where you didn't belong?

you're fuckin' around where you don't belong.

I killed the land and I killed the sea
it felt pretty good when I kilt you and me

I's jus' fuckin' around where I didn't belong
how you gonna stop me?
you ain't that strong
I's jus' fuckin' around where I don't belong·

beat up a whale then we had her for dinner
I'd do more but I'm just a beginner

I am fucking around where I don't belong
I'll crawl in your smutty ocean and sing you my filthy song
I am fucking around where I don't belong

you cannot change the channel on me
I am your future and I'll piss in your sea

got a highrise got a lowrise
got a seven-mile trench
I'll make it all a petting zoo
when I find the proper wrench

I am fucking around where I don't belong
I'll crawl in your smutty ocean and sing you my filthy song
I am fucking around where I don't belong


Crows hop and ravens walk
amoebas split asunder
and twenty or thirty years ago
Fabulous Junior laid down some thunder

thunder borrowed from the thunder man
Junior and his boys recycled it
in their own little can

there's always a market for knock-offs
be it hula hoops or pants
Junior and his boys had their fifteen-minute dance

well Junior bought a ticket
to the Fabulous Junior show
and he hasn't come back yet
and he still wants you to go

Junior's Junior when he buys a paper
and he's Junior when he mows the lawn
and he's Junior where they know him
and where they don't he ain't gone

please lord help me get down with Junior
otherwise we can't hang out
Junior suffers being Junior
he'll sell you his Junior pout
when they recognize him it's agony
though it was work to be where they would
Junior'd stop being Junior
if only he could

well Junior bought a ticket
to the Fabulous Junior show
and he hasn't come back yet
and he still wants you to go


I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before

I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before

I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before

there were people up there and the people died
and god knows if they coulda they woulda flyed

I'm diggin' Woody Guthrie at Windows on the World
He was up there with some journalist girl

Saw a big-ass plane headin' for his chilli
Wished to christ he'd spent another night on her floor in Philly

Got his ass launched into the sky
called out to his bro Leadbelly on his way to die


"damn, my bro, I'm glad you ain't here for this
ain't a person in this building
woulda hired us to clean up piss

I'm sorry about these deaths and all that shit
but they did it to themselves
that's the long and short of it

got on the subway every day
helped to kill what they could so they'd get paid

you know the rent here now is a motherfucker
you ain't nothin' to a landlord but another sucker

there were 'bos like us, too
got caught in this mess
temps and peons no more no less
when the hammer comes down the lord stands back
turns a blind eye to all the whackwhackwhack"

come on up for the hosin'
come on up 'til you make enough
come on up for the hosin'
stick your hand in the cookie jar
'til you get snuffed

now they got to have them a war or two
it don't make no difference to them with who

come on up for the hosin'
come on up 'til you make enough
come on up for the hosin'
stick your hand in the cookie jar
'til you get snuffed

we got a guy tellin' us who the heroes are
they bought his records
they bought his car
they bought his house
they bought his wife
they bought his band they paid for his life
you know they bought the shoes on his feet
and it broke his heart
when they splattered in the street

come on up for the hosin'
get a wristband bring your credit card
bring two forms of ID
the tickets are about a yard
then we'll party hard
yes we'll party hard

I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before

I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before

I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before

come on up for the hosin'
come on up 'til you make enough
come on up for the hosin'
stick your hand in the cookie jar
'til you get snuffed


I'm givin' my kidney to Barry White
just come and get it
I won't put up a fight

I'm givin' my liver to Sleepy LaBeef
we'll do it at night
it won't take a thief

I'm givin' my unit to Jamie Lee Curtis
I bet if she had one
she would not hurt us

I'm givin' my balls to the president
so he can fight up close
he can go tent to tent

I'm givin' my pancreas
to Ronnie Hawkins
he needs to keep drinkin' and screwin' and rawkin'

I'm givin' my heart
to Johnny Unitas
he wouldn't let no fundamentalist dogs bite us

I'm givin' my brain to Stephen Hawking
might make him a dead man
but he'd be walking

I'm givin' my lungs
to the Excitable Boy
he'll trade us some tunes
he'll be our envoy

I'm givin' my soul to Captain Beefheart
it ain't much but it's a start

I'm givin' my eyes
to Mr. Stress
so he can dig him a tall blonde
in a red dress

I'm givin' my arms to Muddy Waters
he taught the blues to all those rotters

I'm givin' my tongue to Top Jimmy and his pigs
I don't want it back
I hope you dig

I'm givin' my knees
to Kenny Stabler
he can buy the next round
he can be my enabler

I'm givin' my temper
to Lou Piniella
he can buy me some ice cream
we'll fuck with vanilla

I'm givin' my feet
to the Cadillac Santa
on 5th and Main
he handed out manna

I'm givin' my shorts
to Robert Cristgau
I don't wear 'em
but he can eat 'em anyhow

I'm givin' my health
to Richard Pryor
fuck Billy Joel
he didn't start the fire

I'm givin' my guts
to the vice president
down there in the dark
with his shadow government

I'm givin' my nose
and everything snotty
to all our bros
in the Illuminati

I'm givin' my hat
to Larry Storch
if he'll bring Lord Buckley
we can party on my porch

I'm givin' my wig
to old James Dean
if he'll pass Paso Robles
if he'll keep it clean

Come and get it all
just back the truck up
a minor gesture
from a major fuckup

I'm givin' my kidney to Barry White, etc.

(add your own)


Well Stewart Copeland's in The Doors
that appears to be a fact
Dave Mason couldn't do the Traffic reunion
'cause he was in Fleetwood Mac

what do you get Ten Years After Humble Pie?
I ain't tried it yet
but it's Deep Purple and I bet it'd make you cry

jesus christ, there's Don Knotts in Iron Butterfly
and there's Jesus Christ covering 'The Tide Is High'

we got James Gang out to here
we got Free
we got Blue Cheer

we got the Mahavishnu Orchestra
with Don Ho on violin
we got Leslie West on bongos
we're gonna pack 'em in

we got a BTO mini-tour
and John Prine wants in bad
he wants to take care of business
and boy he'll wish he had

whatever happened to Bob Welch?
I'm fucked if I care
but I'm puttin' him in Pink Floyd
I'm doin' it on a dare

I dare you to mention Jethro Tull
or The Amboy Dukes
I'll take all the survivors
and inflict 'em on you mooks

hell, they'd still pay to see Bob Feller pitch
I bet you would too
you dumb son of a bitch

when poor old John Entwistle took a powder
they just flew in a ringer
and turned up louder

I got Skyhooks
and Coven
and the Alex Harvey Band, too
I rented the pad
I'm gonna mess with you

I'm gonna head east with Head East
it's a Big Country, jack
I'm gonna package Hot Chocolate
you're gonna get the Knack

Hey I forgive you all
those day jobs are a cunt
take your head out of the noose
drop back fifteen yards and punt


I will tell you this right now
I am in love with the governor's wife
don't care if he knows it
don't care if she knows it too

they'll find out sooner or later
I don't care when they do

did you see her at that thing
where they do what they do when they do?

when he put his hand on the Bible
and they gave them both that house

she laughed in their faces
didn't know what they expected
rolled her eyes at the writers there

she made jokes about her posture
she didn't give a fuck about her hair

did you see those interviews she did?
she's a beatnik with the wrong joe

found herself some preppy collegiate
with a great line of bullshit
and some disposable dough

well it only got her so far
and a rocket on a launching pad
has to get up and go

he hasn't figured it out yet
he wants to rule this shitheel roost

he can have it all
and he'll always want it, too

well governor here's a postcard
of me and your sweetie
riding off
into two or three manmade sunsets you helped set off

oh baby in our ground zero spex
drivin' your special governor's short

oh pardon me, sport
damn straight
pardon me, sport


Stands there lookin' like a rooster in those great big shoes
she must weigh eighty pounds in the winter
Raymo make you some catfish
Raymo feed you some dinner

breaded oysters down at Lido's
down there by the train station

we could start a revolution
we could be our own nation

they got that ceramic crustacean
out in front of the place

my heart's in chaos when I see your pretty face
and man the lime-green fireman boots
are driving me insane
every day we don't go out and play
is a day spent crying in the rain

they say if you go out seeking love
it's a greased pole straight to hell

well I've been worse places
and there's no one to tell

do you know Bobby 'Blue' Bland
and that song he did?
if you deny love
it'll find another route, kid

do you want to go there
with those band-aids I've seen?

who blew up your heart?
will you ever come clean?

do we need to know
that he did this and this and that
how long can you hide from it
how long can you talk to your cat?

The train will pull out
while you wait at the station
I've done that too
I've felt the frustration

Somebody take this rooster crush off my heart
send me a six-foot-five bohemian gal
this poultry jones is a cul-de-sac
I'll buy my own KFC
I'll stand in the parking lot
and yell

I saw you playin' with the zombie boys
at the gas station drive-thru
I was on the bus
I was watchin' you
I was happy for them
I was sorry for you
I know you don't belive this
but it's true it's true it's true

I know you went home alone
if you didn't
that's even better
they don't know how to read
you wouldn't send them a letter

you can hide with a simpleton forever
forever forever

did it myself
I was pretty sure it was clever

can't count the versions
of 'I'm Through With Love'

I'm sure all the singers meant it

so you burned a valentine on your lawn
well my heart sent it


Familiarity breeds contempt
absence makes the heart grow fonder
you can walk a tightrope
go out like Karl Wallenda
sometimes absence makes the heart go wander

when you fall, fly
time wounds all heels

it takes two to tango
three to dance on orange peels

God protects drunks and children
right up until they fall or fly

and then many of them
die die die

Every year drunks and children
re-enter the food chain by the score

Let a smile be your umbrella
then run like a motherfucker

gravity takes no holidays
(I said that)
the whole world is magic to a moron
(I said that too)

beer is LSD to most bar patrons
that's bad news for you

oh baby
bleach your hair real good
Clorox that stuff
use those big plastic curlers

git yourself a gig tendin' bar
put on that court tv

forget how to make a drink
remember to ignore me

the tail wags the dog
curiosity killed the cat
(before the neighbor kid could)
the cart is always in front of the horse
the cobbler's kid's go barefoot
as a matter of course

What goes up goes up your ass
(I told you to run like a motherfucker)

Down there at the vendor's stand
had my hotdog in my hand

here comes Karl Wallenda outta the sky
all I could do was cry cry cry


Save your dogma
and all that twaddle
you got to check god's son out
you got to see him waddle

What would you do with Mary Magdalene
if you were him?
you'd send her out for pork rinds, jim

When she laid that spikenard
on his feet
it reminded him of lard
he hollered for fried meat

Loaves and fishes?
goddamn straight
with tartar sauce and home fries
on a big-ass plate

Oh my god when he saw Pringles
that carpenter built houses
and he used 'em for shingles

When he saw the apostle Paul
with a thorn in his side
he rolled him a burrito
about this wide

Here come the Romans
with some serious lumber
whop him up some corned beef
lay on that little cucumber

Oh baby
those crowns of thorns
are some cruel things
you got to back them up
with some onion rings

Spring might really hang you up the most
but when you're hangin' out on Calvary
you could use some Texas toast

Where was he for the missing years?
down in the French Quarter
man, he stripped his gears--
oysters Dixie gumbo beignets
and for lagniappe naked souffles

He's got a revelation for your ass
build yourself some chili
you'll be cookin' with gas
don't spare the jalapenos
loose the habaneros too
promise to forgive him
and he might forgive you

When you're cookin'
with Big Fat Jesus in the house
things have been known to get wild
virgin births and strolls on lakes
resurrections second takes
banana splits and jumbo shakes
some cheese fries
with a side of slaw
a sumo version of the Pieta


Got me a car that runs on piss
ain't no dinosaur piss

ain't no monkey piss
it's not from an alien or an emu

all you holy warriors better listen up
you all better dig on this:

my car runs on my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss

my car runs on my piss
and it can run on your piss too

I got me a funnel
and I'm comin' after you

my car's gonna run on your piss too

your piss
your piss
your piss
your piss

we're gonna scare it right out of you

when you dig on the things
my pissmobile can do

In every house a pisstank
got a pipeline to the pissbank

gonna take it out
gonna put it in

gonna take it out
gonna put it in

gonna take it out
gonna put it in

gonna get your motor runnin'
gonna get your motor runnin'

It ain't a commie thing
to each according to his need

you can drive anyway
even if you ain't ever peed

got a Cord
got a Hupmobile too
you better check out my Tucker
you greedy motherfucker

'cause they all run on my piss too

my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss

would you think I was badder
if I emptied my bladder
in the middle of OPEC Nation?

my gal pees standin' up
she don't need no gas station

she just flips the flap and arcs it--
she's a devil when she parks it

she gets me to my destination

with her piss
her piss
her piss
her piss
her piss

gonna get there with her piss too

lookit here, Standard Oil
got a serpent in my pants
it's about to uncoil

check it out, Exxon Valdez--
got me a keg party
gonna knock you to your knees

not gonna kill a single thing that swims or flies
or walks or eventually dies

with my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss


Baby never mind the basketball games
I've already changed my name to LeBron James

I dig your spolied melon titties
your Clorox hair

your big fat ass
chewin' up your underwear

that bare midriff
and all those stretchmarks

all that mess
makes a man's pecker bark

but there's just one thing
if you really don't mind

I know you're busy
I know you're blind

I know it's my fault
'cause I came here
but there's guys at the bar
and they're dyin' for a beer

could you get me one
could you get me one now
I'd like to get it myself
you belligerent sow

I'm not talkin' to you
I'm talkin' to your boss

I can kick his ass
I don't care if I get tossed

'cause there's another place
just like yours
across the street
they sent me here
to try and get a beer

what kinda dog is that
did it belong to Helen Keller
I bet she could tend bar here
her and Old Yeller

they're about a hundred years old
and they're dead

I'd rather have them back there instead

man run me some pork rinds
and hold the sass
makes a guy want some swine
lookin' at your big ass

fire up the walker
and bring it on down here
wake up your dog
and get us a beer


The war is over it's the dyin' ain't stopped
coffins hid away
no photo op
the body bag orders are unlisted

shame on Bobby Lee for catchin' one
it happened somewhere else
to somebody else

like that story The Lottery

like the bunnies in Watership Down--
he ain't runnin' anymore he caught a snare
it was his fault, I guess--
we don't talk about it--

there's tomorrow to think about
a monetary hellhound on our collective trails
makin' us punchdrunk
makin' us zoned amnesiacs
makin' us shellshocked
makin' us global citizens
on a round banana peel

makin' time a fevered dream
heat then cold then emergency
entirely too much information

a crisis in your coccoon
an emergency of the soul
the heart atrophies
a loved one slips off in the fog
jane doe and john doe come home again


Oh Storyville
throw in Tin Pan Alley
52nd Street
let's flog 'em into jelly

Louis Bird Coltrane Diz
I name-checked 'em
see how hip I is

blowin' through Toledo
with Art Tatum in his Lincoln
got some great big lies
boy they be stinkin'

oh the Village Vanguard
oh Basin Street
I'm in Minot, North Dakota
with bunny slippers on my feet

I hoofed for TOBA
I rode in the back with Fats Navarro
I'll have some more bullshit for you
If you come back tomorrow

I got my jazz truncheon out
I'm gonna bust up the place
I'm gonna sing a big jazz lecture right in your face

jazz jazz jazz
jazz jazz jazz jazz jazz

jazz in my trousers

oh razz ma tazz

you can call it jazz
you can call it Bob Brown
we can take the greatest thing
and just bring you down

two hundred bucks a table
but you gotta have dinner

I can get you close
if you join my jazz club
that'll be a winner

jazz jazz jazz
boppin' scattin'
sheets of sound

here comes the jazz hammer
stand back and let it pound

Downbeat Monk Satchmo Lady Day
Miles Ella Pres Basie Duke
I'll shove 'em down your throat

til you could just puke

jazz jazz jazz
jazz jazz jazz jazz jazz

(I knew Miles when he was a block
I knew Bobby Short when he was long
I knew Dodo when he could fly...)

here come the jazz bullies
here come the jazz police
here comes a jazz grant
here comes a learned jazz rant
from a guy who wasn't there
but he's got a tenured chair

never ever will I marry
jazz is my hooker
now ain't that scary


You know you'd wanna be him too
don't deny it--
even bogus hearts won't buy it--

you wanna be Sugar's dingo Spanky too
you're a liar
you're a liar
you're a liar

if you say it ain't true

you wanna be Sugar's dingo Spanky too

he got the leash
and all the rest

walkin' with a dingo
in downtown Budapest

or Tokyo
or Spain

some place
where the curtains are blowin'
her and that dog be goin'

walkin' thru Paris or Peoria

wonderin' what really happened
to the Andrea Doria

you could sink or you could swim
Sugar got a dog
we all envy him


Goin away
goin away
goin away
goin away

you can't leave
you can't stay
the history of the world
is goin away

it is always goin away

on a dock before a war

a father and a mother
only met once before

now they're goin away forever
and they're goin away some more

go away when you go away
then go away some more

go away in Newfoundland
and Bali
and the Azores

go away in the Seychelles

then go away once more

hugs at the dock
hugs at the canal
hugs at the locks

it is just as well

goin away
to Buffalo
don't think that happens?
it would break your soul

hugs at the airport
we've all seen 'em

put that goin away stuff
in the Goin Away Museum

goin away
goin away
goin away
goin away

holy jesus christ
he got to come back
when they rolled the stone

he got to go away big time
now they want him back home

a hug in a room
it went away

that girl's perfume
away away

love in a Pontiac
on a certain day

can never go away



it will never go away

it will always stay and stay

Albert Einstein did this stuff with chalk

E equals me and you today

in a place where death can't walk

gonna cakewalk into your old neighborhood

gonna have my cake

gonna eat it good

once more for old times sake

never gonna go away

never gonna go away


I always kept hearin'
it's a man's man's man's world
but you can have it
you can take my share
I'll trade it for a girl

that would be fair

All the wreckage
down on Lombard street
I won't take that tour
leave me alone
fuck all those walking sandwich boards
for testosterone

the whole thing's a little creepy
you saw mama kissin' Santa Claus
inside the big tipi

I saw Cool Hand Luke
with his church key and his pipe-cutter
when he told off God in the church
he did not stutter

he might as well have asked for a girl
as for deliverance from his tormentors
and a diamond stickpin
and a griffin to ride the hell off in

love doesn't ever have to happen
it didn't have to happen in the first place
ask anybody it never happened to

Where's the girl?
she's in Ethiopia
Where's the girl?
she's pulling a rickshaw
Where's the girl?
she's watchin' Green Acres
Where's the girl?
she's divorcing Lloyd Don Bailey
Where's the girl?
she's snapping beans on the porch
Where's the girl?
she's sanding down a Chesterfield
Where's the girl?
she's drivin' a cab in North Park
Where's the girl?
she's learning to smoke behind the barn
Where's the girl?
she's shucking oysters on the pier
Where's the girl?
she threw her boyfriend down the stairs
Where's the girl?
she's counseling battered women
Where's the girl?
she's crashing radio-controlled model planes with a walkie-talkie
Where's the girl?
she's solving gridlock in Seattle
Where's the girl?
she's sifting sand dollars for tourists...

Where's the girl?
she's putting her index fingers over the W and the question mark...


Acker Bilk

Enoch Light

Illinois Jacquet

fight fight fight

Got my Illinois Jacquet on

Jacquet on

Jacquet on

Jacquet on

gonna take it off

Jacquet off

Jacquet off

Jacquet off

when you got your Illinois Jacquet on

and your Acker Bilk sweater

you can welcome the dawn

it doesn't get much better

gonna make my Enoch Light

gonna let my Charlie Rouse

gonna get the Marquis de Sade

to walk right in my house

Got a warning light on

colored alpaca

gonna puke in a Buick

with Neal Sedaka

oh daddy oh baby

come dig my vines

I want to be a huge rock star

where the big dog dines

Got me the shoes

got me a hairstyle too

and I can fuck up everything

I'm paid to do

got my Bent Fabric flyin'

I'm there if you're buyin'

gonna duck walk into Cicero

gonna strut with some tweed

gonna cop Chuck Berry's thrift store slacks

gonna look mighty righteous

while I struggle with my axe

Illinois Jacquet on

switchin' the Enoch Light on too

Acker Bilk gonna pour my milk

when I work my wardrobe mojo on you

(Fake country song feelin good about America)

My daddy did somethin'
you can make the rest up
made us all real proud

I'm gonna do it too
in the same place
in the same way

with a lot less money too

you're my bro and I'm with you
peer pressure means everything
out here in the turpentine

when they ship me over there
gonna make that bald eagle shine

then I'm gonna stuff it up
every heathen hole I see

'cause they don't look like you
and they don't even look like me

I'm feelin' good about America
don't wanna hear 'bout Abu-Grab-me

I can't work no fuckin' camera
so they're never gonna nab me

me and Spike out in the Humvee
makin' friends thick as thieves

then they blowed us through the sky
and they're hopin' that we'll leave

well I didn't come here to run
and I'm stayin' in your back yard

I'm gonna pay you back for Spike
you can't just turn him into lard

look like somebody threw a bucket of raw bacon
on that cyclone fence

we been doin' some elephant drinkin'
we're gettin' ugly in the tents

Mississippi trot line
Oklahoma credit card
free tumblers with a fill-up

three-card Monte
'69 Avanti

the touch of my little Lurleen

I'm missin' Indian liar's poker
I'm missin' slipp'ry Katie
I'm missin' Al Roker
I'm missin' Steve Miller
leanin' into 'midnight toker'

fuck all y'all
fuck all y'all's tracts

when I get back home
I'm gonna roll in Big Macs


Down here in Fuckertown

you can piss right at the bar

that jake-leg pirate on the left

don't care who you are

you can get real lost

motherfuck the cost

Fuckertown will treat you right

got to get down to Fuckertown tonight

Took a long time to get here

been feelin' it comin' on

motherfuck the twilight

motherfuck the dawn

gonna nap right here for a second

then I'll get it right back on

gonna sleep on a rusty pillow

gonna dream about Phil Ochs

gonna hang around down in Fuckertown

until I get it right

I am hangin' with the ciphers

down in Fuckertown tonight

Seent me that Jethro Bodine

out the door with a purple whore

he was airin' out his spleen

might get on a rave

but I didn't come here to misbehave

we all know the code

darken the door strap on the load

I am dancin' with the beast

down in Fuckertown tonight

tryin' to get it right

tryin' to get it right

When they do a Mount Rushmore for chickenshits

gonna put you in the Washington spot

'cause the fuckin' shoe fits

if you got down on the floor

if you slithered like a snake

it would break my heart

'cause I like snakes

gonna break my heart down in Fuckertown

gonna blow it up

whatever it takes

gonna lay down with monkeys

gonna wake up with sloths

gonna drop anchor here

til I get off

Cruise ship vacation

Fuckertown the destination

my face in the backbar mirror

relaxin' down in Fuckertown

with Charlie Parker and his household pets

laughin' at a clown on TV

Fuckertown as good as it gets

* took the title from the Betty Ray site
** took rusty pillows from Lisa Seppi


Hate is stronger than love
you can look for help
but it ain't comin' from above

too much hate on the big plate
just a child's portion of love

hate is stronger than love
it is stronger than love

hate has a stronger agenda
this wound you will not mend-a

hate gets the full entree
hate gets to win today

It is not a family restaurant
hate sits down and eats

whatever it wants--


hate is in your neighborhood
cry cry cry

hate and hate and hate some more

hate don't need to justify

hate don't even need a war

hate just shows up
and darkens your door

been around forever
hate pulls its own hate lever

hate and hate and hate some more
hate gonna walk right in your door

hate's gonna eat everything in the room

hate's always growin'
in some deity's womb

hate's gonna eat every child in the place

look up at the sky
give hate a face


Met her on a Wednesday night
my two poodles started to fight

thought they were frenchin' in the parking lot
stuck my hand in their mouths to see what they got

it was my hearing aid all poodle-altered
grabbed my chest my poor heart faltered

if they had a saw
they'da gone for my pacemaker...

Said she was the company greeter
she would not let deafness defeat her

She signed but I could not read it
she let me grab on
boy did I need it

Out in the Walmart parking lot
givin' it everything we got...

Hammer anvil stirrup too
nobody will miss me
how 'bout you?

Broken hearing aids broken hearts
she left that jackass
from auto parts...

a man is a man is a man is a man

the MGD's in aisle three--
now there's a plan...

broken hearts
broken hearing aids

it's just a parking lot
there ain't no parking lot raids

Would you dig me larger
if I was Sonny Barger

with a 1200 cc dobro?


I can't hear a damn thing you're sayin'

is that our song?
I can't hear it playin'

hammer anvil stirrup too
tickle my cochlea
that'll do

started over there in aisle three...

Old Sam was a volume dealer
I can see the attraction

it's been years
since I got any action

Just punch your pumps
thru my car winders
I don't give a damn
if we get turned to cinders...

Broken hearts broken hearing aids
geese all fly in a V

would you be my valentine
would you teach me to sign one letter at a time
while we do like the animals do

broken hearts broken hearing aids...

Out in the Walmart parking lot
givin' it everything we got...

(title stolen from Hunter S. Thompson)

you can't warm your wedding tackle
in a defoliated cave
that couldn't hide a jackal

put your makeup on
fix your hair up pretty
don't shave your bush
don't pierce your titties

maybe it was a virgin birth
so he did not know
what a fur collar's worth

there's a reason they call it a gash
leave the tinsel on
I'll give you the cash

those shaved gals in the movies
have to use Visine
I'll bet they still
get rugburn
down in New Orleans

baby, bald was Allen Funt
this ain't Candid Camera
don't shave your cunt

you can pass the duchy
but I hate a bald coochie

down there in Gilgamesh
I'll bet they liked it bushy & fresh

Jesus hated bald pussy
and you should too
leave me at least an inch
and I'll worship your ginch...

We can knock that little man out of the boat
If you'll buy him a beaver coat

Butterfly and tootsie roll
We worship it all
If the foliage is full

[listen: in one of Hunter Thompson's books he claimed he was writing a country and western song called 'Jesus Hated Bald Pussy.' I hope he did. If he did, as of today, May 27th, 2005, I plead ignorance-- never saw it if he did. I wrote this a couple years ago when he was still alive--never really finished it-- I decided to sit on it unless he died-- alas, he apparently has. With all the respect and love in the world for Hunter and his work I offer this up with every apology for falling short of what he would have done-- Hunter, if you want to haunt me, get in line-- there'll be a couch open, eventually... -raymo]


You can put your gun away
come Sadie Hawkins Day
the whole world needs a guy like you
a natural born nester
a recalcitrant child-molester
a bachelor with an ankle bracelet on
your date will surely have you back by dawn

when they phone it in from correctional
your GPS is omni-directional
a Cadillac accessory for a guy on the go

what name do they know you by
in the tappys down by the cannery?
or do you cruise the tannery at shift change?

A salmon in the pus river
the short straw
the nightmare-giver
a sliver in the eyeball
of the dating game

told you about her biological clock
so you left her standin' at the dock
with a kid and a cookie
that's the price a guy like you pays for nookie
they're lucky they got the cookie, no?

It coulda been worse in the long run
she mighta met you off parole and with your gun

Love is a many-splattered thing
stick close by, the phone might ring
it's murder when you're under house arrest

puttin' it all together
gotta go and flirt with that waitress Heather
gotta grab enough last straws to conjure up a nest

with mirrors and smoke
you're gonna go for broke

mirrors and smoke
go for broke

mirrors and smoke
go for broke

it coulda been worse in the long run
she mighta met you off parole and with your gun


Back in the day
oh back in the day
my shrink had a yacht so long
nobody ever seen
the stern or the bow

had to back up to cross the ocean

Back in the day
fuckin A
back in the god damn day

I partied down with Nat King Cole
I had me a barber pole tattoo under my shorts
the natives ran when we made their ports

many aboriginals
doubled as clay pigeonals
for my shooting enjoyment
the parents lined their daughters up
when I hollered for their deployment

Back in the day
junior back in the day
my tips would choke a waiter
my proclivities
would kill a satyr

Keith Richards screamed at the size of my rails
I chewed up steel and farted nails

Buddy back in the day
in the god damn day
the long-haired hippies
and the afro blacks
all had fucking heart attacks
when they saw me do the do the do

don't shit yourself
you woulda, too

Back in the day
in the god damn day
you could buy the day
hear what I say
you could buy the day

so I bought 'em all--
ain't that a gasser--
this here day you're standin' on is mine

you a fuckin' tresspasser
on my day
on my mother fuckin' day

bought 'em back when
ownin' 'em now
chargin' you rent
and I want it now








This here's my day
my god damn day
where I'm gonna stay and stay
while I make you pay and pay

my day

my day

my day

my day


The good guys go
but the assholes stick around
it's a bitter cold winter
and we're missin' Larry Brown

I'm not sayin' it's a sin
but when I see some of the guys still walkin' around
I'll trade you ten of those motherfuckers
for one half of Larry Brown

Never met the bro'
didn't have to either
we're all sick with missin' him
we got the Missin' Larry Fever

Let's get one thing straight
let's understand this from the start
maybe it went south on him--
but there was nothin' wrong with Larry's heart

Jammin' with his pool cue
he's Jeff Beck now he's Phil Lynott
lightin' up the jukebox
givin' it everything he's got

Roll over Bill Faulkner
tell the English department the news
there's another stomper comin'
and they couldn't tie his shoes

Is it wet? Is it dry?
Ice it down. We'll get by.

Toccopola, Pontotoc
Oma, Copia
Oktoc, Oktibbeha

Is it wet? Is it dry?
Ice it down. We'll get by.

Kosciusco, Attala
Looxahoma, Panola
Laconia, Coahoma

Is it dry? I'll bet it's wet
over there in Oxford, Lafayette

Twenty-six dry and forty-four wet...

Up at the Pearly Gates
the story goes
he showed Saint Pete
his fire hose

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
ain't no candy
ain't no fishin'
I'd trade the coldest beer on the hottest day
for one more story
I can't help wishin'

Larry has left the building
even the damn kudzu is wilting


Twenty-six dry and forty-four wet
he painted with the alphabet

Forty-four wet and twenty-six dry
Ice it down. We'll get by.

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this page created 29 may 01