Uncle Ray


I let him sniff it (Madonna)

Scrooge-throttle holiday (Donald Duck)

Anti-trust meth-hoedown (Sonny Barger)

Grind me a godhead (Neal Cassady)

Poodle-punch layup (Mr. Rogers)

Elvis ate me first (Natalie Wood)

The buffalo jam (Ed Wood)

Fucked and bungee-less (Wile E. Coyote)

Half-dream room waltz (Muhammad Ali)

I had a rock, jim (Dennis Hopper)

Sky volts in the wiggage (Nikola Tesla)

A Tuesday face-sit (George Orwell)

They'll tax my hog farts (John Wayne)

Up yours standing under (Frank Lloyd Wright)

Titty-dance hair trigger (Jack Ruby)

Beastly ice, my tiny balls (Harry Houdini)

Some kooze, an Otter-Pop (Mr. Natural)

That was me up there (Jesus H. Christ)

Dry 5 a.m. screamer (Hank Williams, Sr.)

Big smile, air, no pants (Tarzan)

History bends I twist (Chubby Checker)

The water is a horny song (Flipper)

A righteous swat gone (Babe Ruth)

I pray her legs upward (Duke Ellington)

Downdraft clutchless peckers (Richard Petty)

Horizon reacharound (Amelia Earhart)

I unplugged it all (Albert Einstein)


They say cows don't vote
Republicans know better
get in the boxcar

Remember my dad?
I hope the fuck not, Bubba
I'll snap your jockstrap

If I write my speech
dandy groom in tux
marries somebody

So I came this far
smug lizard in a red tie
denied at the gate?

I bought a Corvair
a snake for Nader's mongoose
crawl to the White House

I've got my posse
Frank and Jesse James in suits
they liked money too

You want bad tv?
Don't I look like Chevy Chase?
Al and Ralph do not

Let's play Battleship
one game for the White House, Al
hit and sunk, you rubes

Dad bought fishing gear
for his last election day
we talked about trim

President me now
act like a duck long enough
you'll be asked to quack

You want a recount?
I want seven great big whores
oval office fun

Hate me already?
I am a dead shark today
hid under your bed

I've got my standards
if you can't sue it shoot it
lethal injection

Me or Al or me
you take Sally I'll take Sue
and F-L-A too

Heads it's me, you know?
call it in the air, Al Gore
Lincoln on both sides

You sue my ass off
I'll sue the fuck out of you
we'll blame the union

Some liquor, some cocaine
worry about the wrong things
my hand on your purse

I will have my way
I will always cut my half
out of the middle

This scenario
cooked up in advance by masks


If this keeps up
couldn't you almost like me?
who deserves shitrain?

Whipped in my own state
couldn't even win Texas
if I was Bob Wills

Where is Dan Quayle?
I could bang him like a gong
golf course in Indy?

History of Man
Bill sticks it where he shouldn't
Al gets eighty-sixed

Thanks Ralph you chumpstick
I'll feed you a jellyfish
on Christmas morning

Diggin' these haikus
huggin' a tree huggin' me
wood for days and days

How 'bout earth safety?
some condoms for the ozone?
some ass-gaskets too?

Ralph more green than me?
I invented the color
Pinocchio rules

red would be the color there
Tipper's ass my face

So Tip' hated Prince
maybe drummer envy there
one more Tyme problem

Hey George you fuckbag
Zappa said he'd shake Tip's hand
just to sink your dad

Republican lite
just have to live with that one
rock and a hard place

Let's go to the beach
blue hair Mai-Tais funky votes
Hell or a suburb

Fake Penthouse Forums
home of the spring break five-way
strangers tomorrow

I'll tell you what George
one game of Mousetrap takes all
want a piece of cheese?


I wrote for Nixon
sound off like you got a pair
those were legend days

No abortion, Jane
send the 3-headed rapist
a Father's Day card

Want some religion?
I'll whack you with my Bible
'get hit in your soul'

Where did we go wrong?
Republicans wussing out
Nazis looking good

Shoulda been a cop
thwacking skulls in Chicago
my kind of orgy

Lets bring back the past
just give me a dictator
Elvis or Handsome Dick

Grab those bootstraps punk
hire you as a peon
piss in this cup now

Black lady V.P.
politics of the perverse
I'll mindfuck you good

My favorite things
warfare hawks meat liquor guns
whiskers on kittens

Give it up now, Al
I'll get you a reacharound
I've still got clout

Wank about The 'Nam?
we threw down on those buggers
Kent and Jackson State

Sure we got freedom
welcome to the USA
pull my finger Juan

I'm filmagenic
ready for my biopic
where's Lou Costello?

Your handful of spunk
Onan's act or genocide?
hope you all go blind

I won't abort you
hit the ground with the want-ads
run motherfucker

Sit here on the beach
Christ, I didn't vote for me
thrift store Chia Pet


GM tapped my phone
they wanted me dead or worse
bought me a Corvair

Al Gore and George Bush
some turkeys for the season
get the fork they're done

Got to have my look
skinny tie and college suit
swank in a Corvair

Danced with Patti Smith
at the MSG Ralph-fest
spooky times indeed

Want four years of George?
how 'bout a Corvair sandwich?
add four years of Al

I turned down hookers
tasty presents from GM
romp in a Corvair

Now kids want Corvairs
Playstation 2, Al and 'Dub
naked emperors

Blind spots everywhere
don't check my portfolio
make bread something dies

Recall Al and George?
they're unsafe at any speed
a couple Corvairs

Remember good tv?
remember Ernie Kovacs?
died in a Corvair

I sunk the Corvair
no Goliath no David
you do what you can

last one escaped was Jesus
died in a Corvair

Remember Babe Ruth?
a swattin' motherfucker
he owned no Corvair

Know Jim Morrison?
stalked L.A. in a Cobra
he owned no Corvair

Bounced from the debates
do you know what time it is?
see my coup-coup clock?


I'll miss the White House
sneaking out after midnight
Potomac salmon

Midnight sax practice
that was me up on the roof
blues for sad D.C.

I'm no Huey Long
met the press in pajamas
you gotta love that

They impeached my ass
a fool for poonanny
hung by his bent dick

GOP bloodfest
not forgiven til you sin
'just gimmie three steps'

Slick hillbilly rogue
Republican sticks and stones
I found ya'll some jobs

Get the burritos
salsa like some devil cum
cooks the breakfast wig

Pardon Chuck Manson?
I have a sense of humor
we could double date

Been to prison yet?
we need to feed the machine

Leonard Peltier
shot the Feds and the Feds won?
would he pardon me?

Went to Ireland
far better than Nebraska
no Cornhuskers there

Socks The Cat could talk
feline ambassadorship
what else could I do?

Up on Air Force One
we'd aisle-surf on takeoff
fart with the press boys

Poor Newt took a hike
with his dick in the wringer
we had Polaroids

Had a gal Friday
Saturday Sunday Monday
Arkansas weekend

Look up in the sky
with a right like Joe Frazier's
Hil' showed me the stars

See-gar and a gal
a bucket of KFC
wife in the senate

What is history?
a bimbo and some pizza
my spunk on her dress

Go get the Mustang
mothballed down in Arkansas
put in two back seats

When we bombed the Serbs
they wore targets in the streets
even pretty gals

Met Fidel Castro
said I was Kennedy-esque
dug my bay of pigs

I doomed the donkeys
with my wayward copperhead
night of the Dumbos

Never liked no dope
almost did my brother in
I'm a poontang man

Reagan juggernaut
a jubilee train indeed
no depot for you

How'd ya'll make out?
twelve years of Reaganomics?
commodity cheese?

I whipped Dole's ass
Republican joker stiff
just get off his lawn

Sure I dodged the draft
my one heroic act dissed
drop your pants for peace

Here I come New York
a pension and a hard-on
lose the SS guy

Autumn in New York
call Victoria's Secret
lunch at Hooter's first

Can't we get along?
always liked that Rodney King
lynched for crude mischief

Christmas in D.C.
bust a cap in old Saint Nick
sneaking in your house

New Year's I'll get tanked
break up the Lincoln bedroom
holler for ice cream

Middle-East blow-up
jump-start the Apocalypse
throwing stones at tanks

I'll cut off my ear
plant it in the Rose Garden
guess what Freud would say?

Don't need any keys
no cash no watch no phone bills
just a normal guy

Snuck out a back door
a thousand D.C. evenings
full moon masked ball sin

Look out for China
the way they fuck with Taiwan
Job looks impatient

Junior Johnson's ghost
my January chauffeur
red-lined, no seatbelts

Jogged to Baltimore
Edgar A. Poe and Babe Ruth
ghosts laughing at me

Jesse Ventura
up there in the frozen north
fishing with a spear

Open up the door
let a haiku man come in
found me a new gig

I want my own march
the first Million Liar's March
make it a billion

I should have Bird's axe
my tenor for the alto

Thelonius Monk
piano haiku madman
should have been POTUS

This is a weird pad
lurid Lou Reed played downstairs
woke up Delmore Schwartz

Slow-speed Bronco chase
that was a two-pizza night
good name for a band

Dig roller coasters?
Elvis stood up all the way
front car for the King

Traveled with The Bomb
portable Apocalypse
ghoul Palm Pilot

You see that Bush kid?
three-fingered 'W' sign-
frat-boy cheerleader

Give me a third term
hillbilly chastity belt
made out of Moon Pies

A big-ass pension
Mustang it to Buffalo
for wings and floozies

Will I still get ginch
with an ass seven hands wide
like pooh-bear or Welles?


Sunset in Pedro
but Watt's in Pocatello
throwin' down for d.


It isn't twilight
clouds of tiny flying wolves
bats for your birthday


Put an alien
dead center on Mt. Rushmore
humping Jefferson

5th and Limbo St.
go somewhere else for mercy
can't get there from here

Mastercard I'm bored
from where can't they extradite?
charge my passport too

salt mine closed early
car park dark as outer space
I yelp car stays mute

time is a gremlin
ten minutes with Godzilla
melts like Dali's watch

one rogue asteroid
laughing behind all your backs
negates your Blue Cross

in Ensenada
they feed kids dirt and pet them
hello Chiapas

Feng shui of Cleveland:
not on Godzilla's A-list
send Mothra, Rodan

in the scrub climates
the sparrows look like baseballs
everything mutates

they call it compassionate
hugs from a rapist

from Afghanistan
arrives Destroy All Buddhas
hillbillies with bombs


Your barcalounger
looks like a pretty safe ride
all things considered

Poor Junior Johnson
started it all for moonshine
nitro cut with hooch


like Billy The Kid
a stooge with a wild gift
scorned gold for the thrill


two tons of sparrows
in a one-ton limit truck
choose flight or prison


ghost of Huey Long
leave oysters for the Kingfish
fuck Standard Oil

stretch the telescope
Sam The Sham out on the gulf
Sportsman's Paradise


at three foot seven
he made baseball history
king Eddie Gaedel


my kid roamed the earth
ignored spikes in hands and feet
poor Pinocchio

double date with god
he always hogged the back seat
wouldn't pay for shit

me in his image?
a funny motherfucker
sky-bro to fuck with


scar on her forehead
that I want to kiss and kiss
Dame Emma Peel

a capsule review
of flick 'Hideous Kinky':
title is half right

sweet ol' John Candy
Planes Trains Automobiles
god, do I miss him


let the good times roll
did you buy an SUV?
you can live in it

who did you vote for?
has it mattered in decades?
flow and ebb then starve

can you eat your pets?
they'd eat you in a minute
smarter than you are

send those resumes
kiss ass at the interview
tell them you like tests

piss in this thing here
you would think that was the job
to piss on command

careful where you park
bounty for the repo men
visit friends a lot

bank tellers know all
never ask them out on dates
goose the ATM

the grapes of whose wrath?
Tom Joad was an optimist
nobody is home

pawn shop buggery
every one part of a chain
McHock the tv

shoplift a chicken
cook it at dark on the beach
soon you'll have new friends

do you have children?
they'll adapt better than you
party in a car

fortified Night Train
screw that Xanax prescription
never made you dance

make sure you have bleach
so many uses for it
you know what I mean

how's the old mortgage?
ugly mail from the bank?
thank them for those ads

day-old bread can rock
on the pier with a sixer
trade some for a fish

rust belt memories
last check from your extension
went for a lawyer

how did it happen?
flew you across the country
now you're walking back

cable guy out front
don't give up your TV Guide
hide until he's gone

suburbs out to there
downtown reached to over here
ruins everywhere

laid off the night shift
that was when the work got done
no one needs to know

will you shampoo dogs?
I can get you on part-time
tell them you know me

cancel Christmas now
the Grinch was on the right track
don't need that heartache

when it gets like this
they say the tough go bowling
you can keep the shoes

go to a theme park
where the theme is poverty
safety in numbers


you must ask yourself
when airlines lay off thousands
who's the terrorist?

is this genocide?
murder of the middle class
who's the terrorist?

you got insurance?
can you afford to get sick?
who's the terrorist?

how much is the rent?
two jobs for a roach motel
who's the terrorist?

just the way it is
answer to the bottom line
who's the terrorist?

soldiers get the gals
recruit at the football games
who's the terrorist?

they broke the unions
attacked the copper miners
who's the terrorist?


halfway to 90
on a twenty inch high bike
freak flag in your town


Punxsutawney Phil
sees six more weeks of debris
never mind the war

Punxsutawney Phil
will bomb your fucking heart out
for a slaughterhouse

Punxsutawney Phil
wants to drive an SUV
sorry Iraq kids

Punxsutawney Phil
didn't vote for G. Dub-ya
but neither did you

Punxsutawney Phil
fired you and yours last week
unemployment line

Punxsutawney Phil
wants to downsize your mother
be a patriot

Punxsutawney Phil
closed the K-Mart in your 'hood
attention pipeheads

Punxsutawney Phil
just bought himself a Hummer
be very afraid

Punxsutawney Phil
don't worry 'bout a shadow
or a mushroom cloud

Punxsutawney Phil
don't use a rubber no more
digs him some porno

Punxsutawney Phil
wants to sleep with John Ashcroft
Henry Kissinger

Punxsutawney Phil
sees six more weeks of horseshit
he's an optimist

Punxsutawney Phil
went to Shorty's Bar and Grill
do you know that one?

Punxsutawney Phil
had a seat on the shuttle
no shadows in space

Punxsutawney Phil
bought ice cream for Bill Murray
groundhogs need love too

Punxsutawney Phil
sees six more weeks of war
who will bug us next?

Punxsutawney Phil
sees six more weeks of tv
I would rather die

Punxsutawney Phil
can get you government cheese
bring your own crackers

Punxsutawney Phil
choked to death on Crazy Horse
shadow at high noon

Punxsutawney Phil
was crucified at sunset
keep the homeland safe

Punxsutawney Phil
sat in with Duke Ellington
down in Storyville

Punxsutawney Phil
rode a comet to the ground
'cause the price was right


duct tape on your heart
cover it with a small piece
tell them what you think

send email to Uncle Ray at rev.silo@yahoo.com

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this page created 8 jan 01