Uncle Ray

   This starts out as a simple desire to share information. A doctor trying to ease a woman's pain has apparently accidentally discovered a way to induce orgasms in women who are orgasm-impaired. You need a remote and electrodes implanted in the spine and a signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The doctor who discovered this wants to patent it.

   "A question that remains in my mind is how long should it be used for, who gets to say how many times and for how long it is used," he said.

   At first glance this looks like bad English, but I think he means-- well, I think he means it could be pretty addictive, maybe even abused in some cases. If he has any suspicions that it might do for the male gender what Dutch Elm Disease did for Elm trees, he has kept them to himself.

   But that isn't the real information I wanted to share. I wanted to talk about Chinese camels. When I went to the web site of the journal carrying the information about the orgasm implant I found a better and more urgent story: a new mutant species of camel may have been discovered in China's Xinjiang province that can survive on water too salty for other camels. The article goes on to say that they "could provide valuable salt-tolerance genes for domestic livestock, allowing them to thrive in previously hostile areas." But even that isn't why they're in trouble-- they're in trouble because gold prospectors in the area hunt them with land mines and eat them. This isn't very sporting. If you ask me, this is far less sporting than a remote-induced orgasm. However, the article goes on to say that the camels may get some unexpected help from the U.S., in the form of Star Wars ll, or the anti-ballistic missile defense system as I guess it is now called. If the U.S. green-lights that lurid, half-assed pipe dream once again, the Chinese intend to resume "advanced weapons tests" (read: nukes) in the province. Goodbye prospectors, mines, and scientists with dollar signs for eyes, hello nukes.

   Even a camel can sing "Born Under A Bad Sign." So what, you might say. So this: their DNA has been sequenced and cross-breeding is planned. Almost makes you root for the prospectors. Or the nukes-- let's face it, camels are some surly, ornery, disagreeable motherfuckers. But they don't deserve to be diddled with by people.

   It was that thought coupled with my memories of 15 years spent in southern California that finally set off all the whistles in my head: the camels have to come to L.A. No question about it. As transportation. And as policemen. Not as policemen right away-- but a bit of gene-splicing and some more cross-breeding and a little genetic manufacturing and you've got the future of SoCal. No more cars. Gone. Every last one of them. You got a camel and so does your neighbor. So does your boss. Everything starts in California first, right? No more gas problems. That oughta free up some energy. What does my ride run on? The Pacific Fucking Ocean, bud-- over there. I'm gonna go tank up and piss on the de-sal plant on the way.

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this page created 29 may 01