The Antagonist Annual. . . Millennial Awards

by Joe Carducci

   With the cold war over, the Antagonist editors were able to lease the computer mainframes within Cheyenne Mountain (it's easy, you just have to wait for the Chinese to take a break) to plow through the complete English language annals of this millennium to determine with absolute precision the top personage of each of the categories below. Americans can sleep secure in the knowledge that the impregnable computing fortress can still deliver, though I believe I saw it blanche while calculating the category, Battle-Ax of the Millennium. The editors make no claim that these are our choices, as they have been objectively determined, but the category choices are ours alone.

Man of the Year: Teenager with a Gun
Man of the Decade: Man with a Microphone
Man of the Century: Man with a Gun
Man of the Millennium: Man with a Sword
Obituary of the Year: Time magazine
Obituary of the Decade: MTV
Obituary of the Century: National Socialism
Obituary of the Millennium: International Socialism
Woman of the Year: Al Gore
Woman of the Decade: Camille Paglia
Woman of the Century: Lillian Gish
Woman of the Millennium: Prostitute with a Sword
Teenager of the Year: Eric Harris/Kip Kinkel (tie)
Teenager of the Decade: Bill Clinton
Teenager of the Century: Jan Wenner
Teenager of the Millennium: Jean d'Arc
Baby of the Year: Dylan Anderson-Lee
Baby of the Decade: Newborn in a Dumpster
Baby of the Century: Isabella Rossellini
Baby of the Millennium: Fyodor Dostoevsky
Rocker of the Year: Vanilla Ice
Rocker of the Decade: Kyuss-Queens of the Stone Age
Rocker of the Century: Elvis Presley/Hank Williams/Charlie Patton (tie)
Rocker of the Millennium: Mikhail Bakunin
Crank of the Year: Pat Buchanan
Crank of the Decade: Rush Limbaugh
Crank of the Century: Friedrick von Hayek
Crank of the Millenium: Marquis de Sade
Chimp of the Year:
Chimp of the Decade: Mumia Abu-Jamal
Chimp of the Century: Lancelot Link--Secret Chimp
Chimp of the Millennium: Cheetah
Transvestite of the Year: Naomi Wolf
Transvestite of the Decade:
Transvestite of the Century: Mr. Ed/Lassie (tie)
Transvestite of the Millennium:
Model of the Year: Jon-Benet Ramsay
Model of the Decade: Naomi Campbell
Model of the Century:
Model of the Millennium: Lisa di Anton
Battle Ax of the Year: Eleanor Roosevelt-Marie Dressler (tie)
Battle Ax of the Decade: Hillary Clinton
Battle Ax of the Century: Carrie Nation
Battle Ax of the Millennium:
Cripple of the Year:
Cripple of the Decade: Charles Krauthammer
Cripple of the Century: Stephen Hawkings
Cripple of the Millennium:
Fairy of the Year: Rufus Wainwright
Fairy of the Decade: Lewis Lapham
Fairy of the Century: Gore Vidal
Fairy of the Millennium: Oscar Wilde
Walking Timebomb of the Year: John McCain
Walking Timebomb of the Decade: Rep. Maxine Waters
Walking Timebomb of the Century: Adolf Hitler
Walking Timebomb of the Millennium: Sergei Nechaev
Vampire of the Year: The American Lawyer
Vampire of the Decade: Janet Reno
Vampire of the Century: Mao Zedong
Vampire of the Millennium: Vlad Tepes
Bullshit Artist of the Year:
Bullshit Artist of the Decade: Noam Chomsky
Bullshit Artist of the Century: Josef Stalin
Bullshit Artist of the Millennium:
Gagman of the Year:
Gagman of the Decade:
Gagman of the Century: Clyde Bruckman
Gagman of the Millennium:
Smith of the Year:
Smith of the Decade:
Smith of the Century: Harry Smith
Smith of the Millennium: Adam Smith

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this page created 8 aug 00